metanoia «yoonmin»

24

The bed was cold and so was Yoongi's heart. He sighed as he turned to ly on his back. His room suddenly looked so dark and lonely. His dark colored walls were crushing him and the dim light of the sun outside was blinding him. However, he felt none of the sun's warmth. Instead the brightness made him wish it were night again so that it perfectly matched his mood. The bright gleam made him gag at the thought of something good existing and had to bite his lip in order to suppress his urge to throw up.

He shuffled and reached for his phone. With a few tabs the song he wanted was playing: "everything I wanted" by Billie Eillish. Yoongi was not exactly her biggest fan but this song just spoke to him in a more personal way than many of his favorite ones. He closed his eyes right when the "but my head was underwater" came and immediately recalled Jimin's powers at Jeongguk's metanoia. Jimin's presence always made him feel like he was swimming underwater. However, until recently it was all a nice sensation and scent of salt. Now he felt like he was being crushed under gallons and gallons of water, unable to take a breath.

There was a short period when he felt that with Jimin there he really had everything. Then he had lost him to Doyoon. But then he took him back. And happiness did not seem to have disappeared once again. But there was more. There always was more with Min Yoongi. He could never have it the good, easy way. That would have been too kind of the world for him.

Jimin was gone. Yoongi was alone.

The seagulls were crying in the distance. He felt the urge to join them and shout, cry, let it all out. Why could he not feel happiness for a little longer? Why could things not be different? Was it always going to be this difficult?

His palms felt cool for the first time ever. Fire was not running in his veins, or maybe it was but a pathetic excuse of flames. Jimin had chosen power over anything Yoongi had promised him. In the end, he was not enough again.

I had a dream I got everything I wanted.

Maybe it was all a dream after all. The cute innocent boy he had met, the moments of joy in his chest, the smiles shared over the past weeks—all a dream. What a cruel dream to have. Yoongi had gotten addicted to that dream the way he was to cigarette smoke and to the sweet pain of tattoo needle on his skin. He sat up in his bed just as the song reached its end. He turned off the music app and dressed.

St. George's cathedral. They were not going to take Jimin away. Not once again. He was going to keep pushing, keep trying. Even if the world was against him, even if he did not truly deserve it, even if he lost everything, he wanted happiness. He wanted what everyone had the right to desire.

–

Jimin stood in front of the cathedral, looking up at its golden top. The building itself had washed white walls and stained glass–just like any other church.

He had come so far and yet he could not help but hesitate. What was Yoongi going to think of him? That he is a traitor? A coward? A selfish brat?

Jimin shook his head. It did not matter now. It was too late to back off.

He walked inside the cathedral, expecting the familiar buzz of people praying and exchanging pleasantries, but it was nowhere to be seen. The spacious insides of the church were empty, only Doyoon kneeling in front of an icon with his hands clasped together.

Jimin took his time looking around. He was positive Doyoon had noticed him, but for some reason chose not to call him yet. Jimin glanced outside the window to view the azure sky with small whites and blacks crossing it–birds.

"Come join me, Jimin," said Doyoon, not even opening his eyes. Reluctant Jimin knelt next to Doyoon in front of an unfamiliar icon. It was gold plated and it depicted a man, a flaming torch in his hand, his feet deep in water. His eyes glowed in ghostly white and his hair shone with the gold covering the icon. "Do you know who this is, Jimin?"