Hopelessly depressed by you

If regret could kill.

I don't know where I was with my head. Am I so stupid and innocent to let me lead by half a dozen kind words? Am I so needy that I throw myself into the arms of the first guy who says he cares about me?

Is my mind so troubled that it creates situations or is anyone really able to like me? How can anyone be interested in me? Even Kurt who said he loved me got tired, didn't he? If not for that, why would he ignore me?

It was Kurt who started ignoring my calls, forgetting our skype-dates, not calling me ... my god, or returning my calls he returns ... Not a mere text message! ... Go Blaine Anderson ... cry like a high school girl !! Was it not enough yesterday just because you realized it has been a while since your boyfriend says he loves you, even in a message? I'm really pathetic!

Kurt is a busy guy in a big city ... not a simple student in a provincial town like Ohio, Blaine !!! Of course he has more to do than pay attention to his pathetic and needy boyfriend !! Of course he has every reason to ignore either the connection ... or skype ... or message ...

Now then ... he has every reason in the world, not only to ignore me but to hate me! Where was my head? Where? What was I thinking when I went to Eli's house? What did I think was going to happen there? That we were just going to talk?

DUMB! STUPID!

How old are you Blaine Anderson? 5? Going to the house of a guy you only know virtually? What did you think? That he was going to invite you to his room to play video games? My God!!!!

But he looked like a nice guy ... who cared about me. I really believed he wanted to be my friend! It was all I wanted ... it was all I needed! ... oh .... of course Eli is a nice guy! Of course it's my fault! I'm not worth anything ... what a guy will think of someone who accepts an invitation to go to a stranger's house without even blinking? At least I'm a worthless slut

What am I going to do now? How will I look into Kurt's eyes without feeling guilty? Okay, it was just a kiss ... but still ... I got carried away by the situation ... Kurt doesn't deserve this ... doesn't deserve this betrayal! Kurt is too good for me, especially now that I have proved that I have no value ... I'm a cheater ... an boyfriend excuse !!! ...

It hurts to be sure Kurt deserves a better person than I am and never will be. Poor Kurt, wasting time on someone as worthless as me, especially when I should have left when I went to New York, but out of pity I didn't.

What hurts me the most is knowing that I will lose the love of my life, my soul mate, out of sheer stupidity. I threw away the best thing that ever happened in my life, just not knowing how to deal with loneliness ... if I could go back in time ... if regret killed, surely I would have given my last breath.