"Yes we are having pizza at the youth group, and no there will be no meat ones there" Pastor. Wade told us all on the little bus we were on, on the way to the hall to setup.
"WOOOOOOO" the 18 of them yelled
I sit there in silence, what am I going to do, I am actually scared to eat one piece of pizza, what am I turning into?" I think
I pull out my phone and I contimplate texting Miss. N and tell her what my thoughts are, I stare at my phone for another minute or so when Cass asks me if there was something astonshing on my phone or have I just lost the plot. Secreatly I know the answer but I just laugh it off.
I send a text saying; I'm really scared about dinner, I really don't want to eat a slice of pizza.
There was a respnse in a matter of miutes; Um. Ok. I'll think. I have some chicken crimpies in my bag?
What am I turning into, I would normally jump around with joy if I knew pizza was for dinner, but no. Maybe she was right, maybe I am going to become sick.
We arrive at the place unload the truck and then Wade comes up to me and three others and ask to help him get the pizzas. As we are loading on the bus again Miss. N pulls Wade aside and tells him the problem all I can see is him nodding his head and looking at me and then back at her, I can only be certain it's about me. I get called off the bus Miss. N tells me what's happening and gives me $10 and says I dont want any change. I shake my head,
" I can't take your money, I am not your child, I just can't take your money because I am a pain and refuse to eat dinner."
"Take it please, I would rather give you money over everyone on this trip, do not stress about it"
I give her a hug and get back on the bus.
When we arrive back, we all eat dinner, I eat in a corner with my friend who came with me and got my dinner, she didn't know why and the only question that was asked was "can I have the rest?"
Miss. N came up to me and ask if I got any dinner and I gave her the change, she smiled and said I am proud of you. I shook my head and said
"don't there is nothing to be proud of. I am a messed up teenager who doesn't deserve your kindness"
"Don't be stupid, you know I care for you so much to the point of you hating me because I have made you do something you don't want to do causing you to get better, would not phase me. Now don't get me wrong I love you and I don't really want you to hate me and stop talking to me ever because that would be crap! but I want you to be healthy not sick."
This is the reason why she means so much to me. She understands me like nobdy else, but the signs are becoming more apparent and now I am starting to worry more than usual, what if I do have an eating disorder on top of everything else.
Mum and Dad will definitely disown me, they already told me if I hurt myself again I was out on the streets, Dad won't be able to take it. I am so glad they are away, I kinda don't want them to come back. Oh well the biggest secret is not out and will never come out.
