At some point in life, everyone will experience something that constitutes as a setback, tragedy, challenge, or failure. Whether it be the death of a loved one, going bankrupt, or losing a job, life eventually knocks everyone down. My father died suddenly on July 31, 2018, at the age of 54 due to medical complications. I was only 16 years old at the time. It has been one year and almost eight months since his passing. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, losing my father is the greatest tragedy in my life.
My father was a paramedic/firefighter on the fire department for over 30 years. He dedicated his life to helping people and it was something he loved doing. He was an amazing man, who, no matter the situation, was always able to cheer others up and make them laugh. Everyone has their faults, him included, but he was still the best dad I could have ever asked for. My dad knew how to get under anyone's skin, and he could be intimidating, but he was so kind and genuine. He was never afraid to tell people what he thought, and I admire him for that. He was extremely supportive and came to all the games I cheered at and track meets I competed in when he could. My father gave the best advice, and he always knew just what to say. Losing him shook me to my very core.
The death of my father affected me greatly, and in many ways. I feel his absence in the depths of my soul. He was not only my dad, but also my best friend, hero, teacher, and my rock. After his passing, I became very depressed. I had no motivation for anything whatsoever, I stopped eating, I was either exhausted all the time or never slept. and some days, it was hard to even get out of bed. It was hard to go to school because all I did was cry all the time. I lost myself when I lost him. He took a huge piece of me that I will never be able to get back, leaving a hole that nothing even seems to have the capacity to fill. I miss the memories that we will never be able to make. He won't ever get to see me go to prom, graduate, get married, he won't be there to walk me down the aisle, or meet his grandchildren, and so much more. I still don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't, but I have a lifetime of it, and I have no idea how I am going to make it through. I was there when he died, and it killed me. Being with someone as they slowly succumb to death, holding their hand in yours and watching as they take their last breath, changes you right down to your soul. My father died, and life went on, but it will never be the same again.
Through losing my father, I learned a lot of things. When you lose someone you don't know how to live without, you learn to not take anyone or anything for granted. This is the number one thing I've learned. Everything you have can be taken away in the blink of an eye, with no warning whatsoever. There were so many times that I brushed my dad off instead of spending time with him. There were so many times I didn't go do something with him, have a conversation with him, or just didn't enjoy his presence because I didn't want to get up early, or leave my room or the house. Now, I wish more than anything I had spent more time with him. I would give or do anything for even just five more minutes with him. I learned to not leave things unsaid with other people. If I had known that my dad wasn't going to make it, I would've said, "I love you," a million times and told him just how much he means to me. I would've apologized for being such a brat all the time, thanked him for any and everything he's ever done for me, and I would've hugged him and never let go. I didn't get the chance to tell him all those things, and I will never know if he truly knew everything I wanted to say. So, whatever you would want someone to know if it was their last day, you say it, and you say it loud. You scream it from the rooftops if you must, but you say it. Never leave anything unsaid because one day, when they are gone, those unsaid words will haunt you.
I learned that losing someone you deeply care about will hurt far more than you expect it to. Losing my dad was the most painful and traumatic thing to ever happen to me. It didn't feel like my heart had broken, it felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out, bloody and pulsating. It felt like the earth was starting to crumble and the ground beneath me was opening to swallow me whole. My world went dark when he took his last breath. I learned that it doesn't just hurt at the start, but that it will always hurt. In the beginning, it will feel like a tsunami's waves are constantly slamming into you, but with time, the waves become less frequent, and less strong. This pain is something you will feel until you take your last breath, and, though it is extremely painful, it is the price we pay for love. The pain you feel is all the love you long to give your deceased love one in a way you know how, but you cannot because they're gone. You must learn to love them in a different way: by remembering them.
The things we go through in life change us, for better or for worse. Everyone, at some point, will experience something that will make them question why they are still alive, and why the things that happen do. For me, it was losing my dad. I wondered why bad things happen to good people, and I realized that life is not fair in the slightest. It affected me greatly, and I learned many things from it – things I should not have to know at such a young age. I had to grow up more quickly than other people my age, and I became stronger and wiser because of this experience. Whether it was for better, or for worse, it happened, and there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is accept it, try to heal, and honor my father for the rest of my life. Though he is not physically here, he remains with me, forever in my heart, and I will carry him with me until we meet again.
