melancholia → jin-centric

refuse to die

He felt sick. It's been going on for a while now. His chest felt like it was being squeezed inside his ribcage. He already took some medications, but it seemed so awful even after.

Seokjin looked up. The light bulb met his eyes and he just wanted to shut it down, shut every source of light in the whole damn dorm. Or maybe the whole world. Maybe because he might find the hope that he needs. Because he believes that hope will stay. Hope will guide you. Hope will shine.

But hope will fucking wreck you. Like a damn train and Seokjin is there, standing like an idiot on the rails, waiting for the train to arrive. Like a damn poison. Quiet but deadly. It will wait for you. It will hurt you.

But if you become careful, and know the directions, you are safe. You are secured. You are okay.

You will be fine.

But Seokjin is far from fine.

He clenched his fists as he felt hard breathing. His mind went blank while he felt his head being light.

"Fuck," he knew that he would experience this but he didn't expect it to be right now. It's too early.

:"^

"So okay, we examined your heart, and we have serious complications here, Seokjin-ssi. You have arrhythmia. Atrial Fibrillation to be specific," Seokjin blinked. It was too much. Serious complications? Arrhythmia? What the fuck is the doctor saying?

"Atrial fibrillation is when the upper chambers of the heart beat in an irregular pattern and out of synchrony with the lower chambers. You are at risk, Mr. Kim. I think this is because of your work, right?" the singer bit his lip.

"H-how?" a hoarse voice came out of his throat. "Maybe you got it wrong, I'm perfectly fine!"

"You said you were having trouble breathing, even if you are resting for the whole day, to your manager. He told me everything," his eye twitched. The doctor got a point. Now he did regret telling his manager about it. Because he thought it was just the "post-exhaustion" from the concert they held before.

"You might got the wrong-"

"Seokjin-ssi. I've been treating people for 16 years. Do you think I'm just playing around? Please, Mr. Kim," the doctor explained. The younger slumped in his seat, tired of everything.

"You need to treat this immediately, Seokjin-ssi. This is for you, also for your family."

"How many days is my recovery?"

"Not days, Mr. Kim. Months. Depending on which treatment would you go through," the doctor leaned back, crossing his arms.

"We have a tour waiting for us next fucking week!" Seokjin slammed his fist on the desk.

"Please, I need you to calm down. We will talk about this."

:"^

He rushed to grab the inhaler. It doesn't exactly stop the harsh beating of his heart, but it can reduce. It's all that he can do. Reduce. Lessen. Abate.

Seokjin was shaking. His hands were trembling. He nearly dropped the inhaler as his eyes filled with tears. It's too painful. It's too hard. It's difficult to stay alive.

But what can he do? It's his job to stay alive. For them. He'll stay alive. He'll survive. They need him. He'll stay. He will spend as much time with them. He will try. Until they can go on alone. Until he was no longer needed.

Even if it meant losing his years on Earth.

He'll fucking do it.

...

"Hyung? You okay?" his head perked up. Of course, I only slept like 2 hours. Of course I'm fine.

"You don't seem to have a high temperature," Namjoon had his brows furrows as his hand landed on the eldest's forehead and neck, confused. Hoseok joined them in the dining room, hearing their conversation.

"Ah, is my favorite hyung not feeling fine?" Seokjin's head just slumped, it wasn't supposed to be like this. His lazy fingers gripped the chopsticks, breathing in a big sigh. It took a second before raising his head to face the younger.

"You know, I just stayed up watching K-dramas and stuff," he gave him a reassuring smile, his eyes crinkling. Then like a movie, a raspy voice can be heard.

"He stayed up watching videos for recipies," Seokjin swore that he might break the chopsticks from his tight grip. He lowered his head, gulping as embarrassment showered over him.

"Oh? Jin-hyung, is that true?" the leader patted the singer's back, chuckling slightly after he got a glimpse of his red cheeks.

Meanwhile Seokjin wants to just put a tape on Yoongi's mouth to shut him up. Yoongi could only have a smirk plastered on his face to see him like that.

"Uh, yes. Actually," he let out a cough, lifting his head to glare at the second eldest, "I'm not only watching cooking videos. I am also watching some TV shows, Yoongi," his lips puckered, unintentionally turning to a pout. WHich the other members thought of as cute. Especially Yoongi.

"No need to be embarrassed about that, hyung. I sneaked into Jimin's room and saw him watching some yoga videos," Hoseok erupted into a laugh after he revived the memory.

They didn't have a clue that he was going to teach it to Jimin, so that they wouldn't starve once he is gone.

...

Jungkook could sense something...was wrong. Like when you notice the light bulb was replaced once again because of its shade of light. Like when you eat your least favorite food, and there is something missing for you to hate it. And it sucks. Jungkook hates it.

"Jin-hyung," he tugged onto the eldest's jacket to get his attention. Seokjin just glanced at the maknae before exploding into a smile. Jungkook had his hair tied up in a bun.

"Yes, Kookie?" The maknae didn't respond instead, snuggling into his warmth. He found it adorable, now he missed the times like this. Where he had nothing to worry about.

"I love you, hyung," the maknae held him tighter, as if he will go away. Seokjin's eyes shone with fondness and adoration, and Jungkook loves it. He admire him. He admire his Jin-hyung.

"I love you too, Kookie," Seokjin had never felt so happy in hearing the words Jungkook said. But it was more than words to him. It was a whiplash to him; affection and appreciation bursting out of Jungkook's soul, he can see it. It was one of the things he longed for. And hearing it from one of the members is absolute contentment. He felt blissful.

And maybe he could hold on.

"Can you make me seaweed soup, hyungie? I miss it," Seokjin nodded, bringing his hand to brush the maknae's hair. "Of course. So you need to wake up early so that you can just eat it all by yourself, okay?" but then he realized the maknae is in deep sleep already.

okay so im back! i actually thought that i already published this chapter but nope! this is what i originally planned, a sickfic from the start. but also add angst, since i don't know why i love it. i'm so sorry for making you guys wait, thank you so for your support <33 love yalll