melancholia → jin-centric

vitamins and a panic attack

Seokjin's eyes wandered upon the glimmering light under the lamp. It was the only source of light in his room again. It was bright, then it was dark again. Bright. Dark. Vivid. Dim. The light was flickering.

He cocked his head to the side, scanning the illumination as it flashed. His eyes blinked rapidly as if it would erase his thoughts. Call it a player's block, he hadn't even found the answers to a sudoku game he saw on the Internet. He was looking around, hoping that the answers would pop up.

Isn't that what you're doing?

He doesn't know what will happen while in surgery. Or what will happen in recovery. And now he regrets not undergoing surgery earlier. All the anxiety and uneasiness he's feeling consume him, slowly and gradually. The constant concealing of the pain he felt, the continuous lying in front of their faces, the fear of being caught, the pressure for doing his best, the fear for his health—

He wants it to end.

"Jinnie-hyung? Can I come in?" Jimin's soft voice interrupted his thoughts. His eyes blinked. Same for the lamp. Jimin seemed to blink too, unable to grasp the fact that his Seokjin-hyung had a staring competition with the lamp.

"Of course." the younger took a seat beside him, crossing his legs as he sighed while feeling the comfort of a million blankets underneath him. "Are you sick, hyung? Why do you have so many blankets? It feels like I'm sitting underneath a burning marshmallow."

Normally, Jin would sweat like he would be on top of an igniting fire, under the scorching heat, and in a completely closed cave. He would shiver as if he was being interrogated because of his dreadful crimes.

Good job. You're getting good at acting, huh? Making them look like fools and thinking you're winning here, right?

He let out a huff before saying, "As if I would allow myself to stay sick without saying to you guys."

He allowed himself to spit lies in front of their faces, just because he is scared. He is scared of being vulnerable. So he allowed himself to make them believe every word from his throat, venom and toxic deception flowing with his every syllable.

"Yeah right, hyung. I actually couldn't believe Hobi-hyung."

"What do you mean?" Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.

"He said that you were on meds right now. I know you'll get mad at me for doing this but I checked your...err...bag and..." Jimin scratched his neck as Seokjin's heart dropped at the sudden confession. He could feel his hands trembling and gripping the covers underneath him, the fretful feeling in his throat, his pupils shaking in fear. He was in horror.

Yet he still managed to have a dumbfounded look on his face.

"I saw it was just vitamins." he would release the biggest sigh if he wasn't acting now. Jimin plopped down on his bed. As if he was exhausted with the words he just told him. As if he was the one keeping the harmful secret inside.

"How did Hobi see my bag?"

"Did you see my bag? Did you see my bag?" the younger sang out, chuckling after. And Seokjin hated it. He hated the fact that Jimin could be so carefree with these things. Seokjin hated the fact that he was trapped inside the cage of prevarication, the voices lurking within the ocean of his mind. He felt he was tied with the ropes of his lies, tightening and tightening until he can no longer breathe. He felt stranded in his own solace, but he felt satisfied with his hidden melancholia.

"No need to be serious, hyung. We're sorry about that. We trust you!" Jimin hugged the older from the back, not noticing how he went stiff and still hadn't responded. It was like he was doing it on purpose. It was like denying the fact that he had no food left to eat, but hey, at least he had oxygen. Seokjin was alive, the same time he wasn't.

Seokjin felt dead but breathing at the same time.

...

"Nan sumswigo sipeo i bami silheo~" Jimin's voice flowed nicely. Like a river. Like a watercolor that drips very smoothly. It was indeed heaven. It was comforting. "Ijen kkaego sipeo kkumsogi silheo~"

They were rehearsing Save Me for later's concert. He had everything planned out, don't do any unnecessary actions, take a rest after each performance, drink lots and lots of water, and don't give any signs. Everything was prepared, he even told Sejin about this (which the older absolutely disagreed with, but with the pleadings of Seokjin, he agreed). But what went wrong?

"Hyung, your line," Hoseok told him as he realized that his lines went forgotten like a gush in the wind. "You okay?"

"Yup." he gave a thumbs-up before singing his next line. His arms lazily danced to their choreography, melody filling his ears. His heartbeat in sync with the bass of the sound, eyes fluttering at the song's bliss.

"Jin-hyung." he snapped out of trance upon seeing the 6 bodies stopping and looking at him like he was a clown in a circus. They didn't laugh at him, they didn't laugh at him, they didn't laugh at him,

they laughed at him.

Everyone laughed at him. Everyone stared at him like a fucking comedian, like a fool, like the biggest joke ever in existence. Everyone had wicked grins on their faces, laughing at his own humiliation. They laughed at his own thoughts, they laughed at his own thoughts, they laughed at his own thoughts, they laughed at his own thoughts, they laughed at his own thoughts,

Then he couldn't breathe.

He felt hands around his body, worried stares on him. Everyone looked panicked. Everyone looked perplexed. He saw them mouthing something, but he couldn't hear anything. His eyes shut, self running after his breath. Tears brimmed his eyes, as large gasps escaped his mouth. He took one step back, then another step, then another step, until he felt the hard floor hit his back.

"Hyung!" Namjoon held his head, preventing it from hitting the stage. Jungkook softly cradled him, telling soothing words despite the uneasy tone in his voice.

"Breathe, hyung. Breathe."

"JIn-hyung, breathe."

"Hyung."

"Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale."

"Hyung, you're doing good. Just follow me." Seokjin was brought back by the harsh reality. He let his head fall limp, tear stains on his cheeks. He looked like a disaster. He looked like a fragile disaster.

"Water please!" Jimin shouted to the staff, who seemed frozen in their places. The medic stood still in their places as Taehyung stopped them.

Seokjin~ you got quite a show there, huh?

"Jin-hyungie." Seokjin reached for the eldest rapper's hand, eyes stinging with tears. Jungkook and Yoongi changed positions as the members took it as a cue to take a step back, giving them space. Seokjin buried his head in Yoongi's arms, ashamed and embarrassed. He felt very weak, it's too much. He couldn't handle this. Yet Yoongi held him tightly, he held him as if he was going to disappear. He held him like water as if he would flow away. As if he would leak from his thin fingers.

The younger didn't say anything. He listened to the heart-wrenching sobs from the older, his tears soaking a spot on his shirt. He didn't say anything. Yet Seokjin knew, he was there. He was there, and he wouldn't leave.

They were here, and they wouldn't leave.

so hello guys. this book would only have 2-3 chapters left, as I don't want to do any filler chapters anymore lol. there would be 2 endings, one's happy and one's not.  it's up to you. so yeah, the members are already suspicious of jin's actions and chaos will ensue in the next chapter. thank you so much for your support and ily <3.