Lauren's P.O.V
Silent tears slipped down my cheeks as I came to terms with what I had done. Why do I have to be so self-destructive? I am alone again with only myself to blame. Every time when I should let them in, I push them farther away. That is what I did last night, and I took it to far.
I just wanted to be left alone, it was one of those days were my depression was consuming me. There was a voice in the back of my head telling me I wasn't good enough for him, that I'm not good enough for anyone, that i deserved to be alone.
I texted telling him not to come over tonight that I was having an off day. He came over anyway with food from my favorite place and a new movie that I was talking about wanting to see. "I told you not to come" I chew on my lip meeting his brown eyes.
"I know but I wanted to make you feel better" he leaned down for a kiss. I quickly turned my head, so his lips hit my cheek.
"It's not your job to make me feel better not when I don't want you to. These are my own problems that I can't process and deal with when you are hovering over me trying to distract me" I huffed running my fingers through my dark brown hair. Sometimes I can be too harsh.
"I am sorry I didn't realize I was so suffocating" he dropped the bag of food on the coffee table. "I will go, so you can deal with your problems" Christian scuffled.
"I didn't say you were suffocating" I wrapped my arms around myself. "don't get mad at me when I told you not to come in the first place" I have the right to have a bad day and I don't own it to anyone to let them in if I don't want to.
He rolled his eyes shaking his head. "I was doing what any good boyfriend would do and was trying to make you feel better. Like what do you want from this relationship Laur? Am I only allowed to know you at your best?"
"what I want is for you to respect me" I raised my voice trying to get my point across. "and when I say something, I want you to respect it. This is the reason I didn't want you to come today." I could hear Amy turn on her music to drown out our fighting.
"what about what I want?"His brown eyes locked on me and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Why the hell he is asking about what he wants? All I asked for was one night to be left alone.This is where all my issue come from it that's is how I always thought through all my relationships was what they would want or how they would feel if I did or that. I spent so much time working with my therapist on being okay with voicing my own needs and taking time for myself.
"this isn't about what you want right now" I rubbed my face in frustration.
"it seems like it never is. Everything is always at your pace." He said through his teeth. "over four years I have known you yet sometimes I feel like you are nothing more than a stranger"
"yeah okay it's all my fault because it always is" I rolled my eyes. "all I fucking asked was to be left alone for one night" Is that to much to ask? Am i asking for to much? Here I go again doubting myself.
"well you got your wish" he let the movie fall from his hand crashing to the floor. "you know what have the rest of your fucking life alone too while we are at it" he turned around walking away. I stood there frozen as I watching him walk away. The sound of the door slamming behind him made me jump.
A sob escaped my lips as tears slipped down my cheeks. I threw my hand over my mouth muffling my sobs. This is the end. I did it again I drove another guy away maybe the voices in my head aren't wrong. I made my way to my room leaving the food on the table and movie on the floor. I couldn't bring myself to pick them up.
I fell onto my bed burying my face in my pillow to muffle my sobs. This is how I spent the rest of the night. Morning came and my eyes stung from crying all night. I set up my recording equipment and wrote a song. The words fell from my lips about how we were never going to last. How we were an atom bomb always destined to explode.
