I sat in the back of the church with my head bowed as I prayed. I had just come out of confession where I spilled the secret that had been weighing me down for so long. I don't know how many times I said Our Father and Hail Mary but by the time I was done my knees ached from kneeling for that long. At first, I prayed to God take away my feelings for Lexa but as I kneeled there I thought about, I didn't want him to. I didn't want to live without these feeling she gives me. How safe I feel wrapped in her arms or how much peace her voice brings me. All it takes is one look from her and the flutters in my stomach starts.
Would god stop loving me for loving her? Do I love her? Tears slipped down my cheeks silently as I pushed myself up. I fell back onto the pew my eyes fixed on the cross. What about my family? If I do like girls too how will they take it? could they love a sinner like me? Lexa what about her can I continue to be here friend with these feelings boiling inside me? What will she think if this ever came to light?
I don't think my family would shun me necessarily, but I know some of them wouldn't accept me. They would act like they do to my face only to talk about me behind my back. I have seen the looks and heard the side comments about people we know that are part of the LGBTQ community.
I ran my fingers through my hair pulling my phone out feeling it vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out to see Lisa picture on the screen. I slipped out of the church before answer the phone. "hello" I took a deep breath trying to act like I haven't been crying for the last hour.
"Hey Bug" I didn't have to see her face to know she was smiling. "can you come over to finish recording your vocals?"
"yeah I can I am on my way" I wiped the tears from my cheeks walking back to my car.
"great see you soon, drive safe"
"I will" I unlocked my car getting in.
"love ya"
"love ya too bye" I said into the phone. She said goodbye back before hanging up. I made the fifteen-minute drive to her house. I let myself into the house making my way up to the studio. Lisa was sitting at the desk working on her laptop.
"hey" I say from the doorway earning her attention. Lisa turns giving me a soft smile. "whatcha working on?" I make my way over to her leaning against the back of her chair so I could see what she was doing.
"Editing our last video" she looks up at me. I bit down on my lip seeing the video she was working on was the opposite outfit challenge we did a few days ago. Dani want to torture me that day and picked out a skintight dress for me know that is something I would never pick for myself. On the screen was Kath and Amy showing off their outfits but all I could pay attention to was Lexa and I in the background.
She had whispered to me that I looked really good in that dress causing me to blush. It looks so obvious on the video. "um I think you should zoom in some to get a better look at their outfits" I commented hoping she wasn't paying attention to what was happening in the background.
"but look at the smile" she pointed to me in the background. "how could I cut that out?"
"please Lise" I blinked away my tears. If I cry about this she will know. She must have heard it in my voice because she did as I asked.
"I will finish this later. Are you up for singing right now?" I nodded my head.
Once I was done with my vocals, she forced me to sit down with her. "so, you and Lexa have been really close lately?"
"she is my friend" I played nervously with my fingers knowing where this conversation was going.
she is just my friend" I added keeping my stare on my lap.
