The sun shined through the window hitting my face pulling me out of my much need sleep. "fuck" I quietly cursed at myself for not closing the blinds last night. I rubbed the sleep out of my brown eyes pushing myself up. Pain shot through my body making me fall back my head hitting my pillow. My eyes shifted to see chunks of brown hair stuck to the pillow. "no" I breathed out trying to sit up again this time much slower.
I turned to see my pillow covered with my brown locks. I knew it was going to happen, when I started the chemo, but no pamphlet or article could prepare me for this. Sure, my hair should be the less of my concerns right now but losing my hair just made the cancer feel so much realer. It means looking at myself in the mirror each day only to be reminded of the battle I am up against. It means telling our fans and pity looks I'll get when I go out. They will no longer see me for who I am but the cancer I have.
It took everything in me to push myself out of bed. I got read for the day, while brushing my teeth I leaned against the sink facing away from the mirror. I wasn't ready to see it yet. Tears slipped down my cheeks as I walked down the steps. "Laurie breakfast is ready" Kath peeked her head out of the kitchen smiling softly. "what's wrong?" her smile quickly dropped when she saw me.
I opened my mouth only for a sob to come out. She quickly met me at the bottom of the steps pulling me into a tight hug. I held on to her tightly crying into her chest. This is the first time I really let myself cry over this. When the doctor told me the news, I went numb. I didn't want to cry because I didn't want to upset my family anymore than they already were. "it's going to be okay" she whispered softly rocking me.
"Ladybug" I heard Lisa's voice making me lift my head up. She didn't say another word wrapping her arms around us. Within a few second the six of us girls were clinging to each other. "what's wrong ladybug?" Lisa asked when we finally pulled away from each other.
"does something hurt?" Christina asked her voice laced with panic. "should I call the doctor?" I quickly shook my head. I reach up running my hand through my hair out of habit only to pull it away seconds later with brown locks between my fingers. I closed my eyes tightly as they gasped seeing my hair fall out.
"it's time" I choked out. It was time to shave my head. I took a deep breath opening my eyes.
"its going to be okay" Dani said throwing her arms around me. "you can always borrow my wigs" she forced out a laugh.
"thanks, I always wanted to look like Hannah Montana" I hugged her back laughing in her ear.
"who do you want to do it?" Amy asked earning my attention. I shifted my stare around the room stopping at each one of my sisters. Lisa already had tears in her eyes telling me that if she did it, she would break down even more. I reached out grabbing her hand giving it a squeeze.
"I can do it" Christina said standing up straighter meeting my stare. That's Christina for you, always strong for us when we are ready to fall apart.
"okay" I breathed out nodding my head.
"how about we say a prayer first?" Kath said holding her hands out. We all grabbed each other's hands making a circle. Dani was on my right while Lisa was on my left. I closed my eyes bowing my head. "Dear Lord, please look over Lauren in her time of need" Kathrine's voice filled the room. "give her the strength to over come this and never let her forget just how beautiful she is on the inside and out. That no matter what she will always be beautiful" I felt Lisa squeeze my hand. "please give us the strength to keep her spirts high and not let her fall"
"amen" we all said that the same time. I opened my eyes pulling my hands away.
A few minutes later I was sitting on a kitchen chair in front of the mirror in the guest bathroom. I looked at myself for a moment before meeting my sister eyes. "are you ready?" Christina asked squeezing my shoulder. I nodded my head not trusting my words. The buzzing of the clippers filled the silence. I closed my eyes as it got closer to my scalp. I kept my eyes close feeling my hair fall onto my shoulders. "its done" she turned off the clippers.
I opened my eyes meeting a stranger in the mirror. "you're still beautiful Laur" she brushed off my shoulder. "your hair isn't what made you beautiful" maybe what she is saying is true but in this moment its just to hard to believe it. I stood up quickly almost knocking the chair over. I have to get out of here. it feels like the walls are closing in on me.
I can no longer hide from this. This is my life now. Am I even going to have a life to live? Can I beat this? I fell onto my bed sobbing into my pillow. Who is really going to want to love me? They can say I am beautiful all they want that doesn't make it true. No guy is going to want to even look at me let alone date me. I am only seventeen and my future is pretty much gone. Even if I am beat this what life will I have left. I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Will the cancer come back? will I be able to have children in the future? The sound of someone knocking on the door pulled me out of my train of thought. "go away" I mumbled into my pillow. I don't want to be strong right now all I want is to breakdown.
"Lolo" Lisa put her hand on my back rubbing soft circle. "tell me what's wrong?"
"what's wrong is I have cancer" I huffed out. "what's wrong is that I am ugly, and no one will want to love someone like me"
"you are far from ugly, and I am not just saying that because I am your sister" I felt the bed shift telling me she laid down next to me. "and someone will love you for who you are not for the hair on your head" her hand found its way to my head.
"that's easy for you to say, your hair is perfect" I pouted into my pillow.
"look at me" she pushed my shoulder up making me face her. I kept my eyes closed refusing to look at her. "Stop being so gosh darn stubborn and open your eyes" she huffed out making me giggle. "I am glad that made you laugh now if you don't open your eyes, I will force them open" I finally opened my eyes coming face to face with my sister.
"what?" I pouted waiting to go back to my own pity party. It took me a good minute to realize that she was bald. "what did you do?"
"to prove a point and to show you you're no alone in this. " her brown eyes locked on mine. Tears slipped down my cheeks as she pulled me into her arms. "I love you Lauren"
"I love you too" I sniffled moving closer to her. I don't know how long she held me as I cried but when she finally let me go was when Dani came in demanding us to come downstairs for lunch.
The moment I stood up Dani threw her arms around me hugging me tightly. "I am okay" I whispered smoothing out her hair. "lets go eat" She pulled away but grabbed my hand keeping me close to her.
