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I remember the day I met Rin. I was riding my bike down the streets at quite a dark time, and I'm glad I did. I nearly ran into him. Not very romantic at all, is it? "Woah there." He laughed a bit. I kept muttering sorry to him. "It's okay. Wait - I know you. You're in my English class." I smiled to him as I also knew he was in my class. "I'm sorry. I'll be going now." I tried to hurry away, but he just held my hand. Sounds so cliche, but it got my heart racing. Not only because he is so handsome, but because I had never really interacted with a boy at the time.
"Let's go get ramen!" He cried and put a fist in the air. I laugh at the memory now, because he absolutely adored ramen. We went about a bit more. He then saw a flower shop. "I'll be right back. Stay here." He said. I was so nervous I thought he ran away from me or something. But when he came back, he had a bouquet of fake roses in one hand, and a glue gun on the other. He was grinning. It was the most fun I had in a long time.
After sticking the roses to my bike, we exchanged numbers and both went home. But there were many memories after that. I am writing this in my new notebook (Thanks Luna). We met Brianna, we would go ice skating, eat ramen nearly everyday. Just things like that and I didn't realise 'til now that I was just a third wheel. I will always be lonely, and that's okay. As I write this I'm going to commit suicide. Finally, no one to stop me. Hurray? I don't know what to say, this is like my suicide note.
I do know a few things though; I used to love being alone, but now I can't stand it. I can't go through an average day without thinking about the past. Maybe that's something my therapist didn't tell me: I dwell on the past. But can you blame me? I literally have nothing to do on this earth other than think, and when I think the first thing that comes to my mind is Rin. You can still love dead people right? Anyway. I don't know who will read this, a nurse from the hospital or Luna or whatever, but I have to say I now know that being alone is fine. It's fine because loneliness is the only thing I have. It's my best friend. I'm like a ghost, roaming around helplessly. I'm not happy. So dying will fix that.
Tell Luna I give her my yellow bike, and tell the people to put my grave next to Rin's. I don't care if I'm not family, they better put me next to him. And as I keep saying, the effort is worth it.
Because I love him. And I will do anything to associate with him, even if it means I shall be lonely forever, known as the girl who had a one-sided love.
I'm content with being lonely.
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