Behind The Camera

Chapter Fourteen.

Perri's POV:

"Are you ready for this performance, It feels like your head has not been with us at all today" Ashley asks, sitting next to me in the seats we was all sat in before our Greatest Dancer Performance. "I'm fine" I mutter, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. "It's about Tee isn't it?" He asks, pushing my shoulder making me look at him. "She phoned me today, just to tell me she's alright.." I whisper. "That's good though, talking over the phone is better than her avoiding you" He smiles. I shake my head, "She's moved off campus" I whisper. Ashley's eyebrows lift up, i'm not sure if that's from surprise, or the fact he would of done the same thing. "She never said where, she never said if she would still attend college.. she just said she still needed time" I mutter, tugging on the bun that my hair was pushed into today. "But you said you wasn't going back to college now, so what's the difference if she goes back to college?" He asks, resting his head in his hand that's placed on his knee. "Maybe I do want to go back to college" I whisper, looking down at my feet. "Pel, I will support you in anything you do, but is college really the right option for you, you've seen what's just happened" He whispers. I nod my head. "I don't know what I want, I guess part of me just wished I was normal right now" I mutter. "You are normal, so what you won a talent show, you've toured all over the UK a few times, you've been abroad and hosted shows, taken part in shows, you're still the same person I met all them years ago" He replies, looking me dead in the eye. "I worry that I've ruined her life" I mutter, readjusting the glasses on my face. "You haven't Pel, you can't beat yourself up over it either, it wont solve anything" Ash whispers, patting me on my shoulder. I nod my head, I don't really know what to say. I just wish Tee was around to remind me that I can back flip for days, that I was a dork quoting Harry Potter, wiping whipped cream on her face just to kiss it off. I hadn't been this nervous about a performance since the last tour, but part of me knew that Tee could be watching at home. "Five minutes till places" A voice calls through the dressing room door. I nod my head at Ashley and Jordan who had appeared and stand up, stretching. "If you ever need anyone to talk to you, you know where I am" Ash says, pulling me in for a hug. A lot of people never seen this side of Ashley, everyone always assumed that he was hard on us all during training, which don't get me wrong he was, but he was always the dad of the group with his lame dad jokes, his fatherly advice, and his knowledge that he passed on to us all. Ash was my big brother, and I knew I could trust him with my life, which was always nice to know. The rest of the group gathers around for our ritual of a show circle. Before I know it we are walking down the hallway to take our places. "Ready?" Jord asks, giving me a small smile. I nod my head, taking in a deep breath, as another voice starts counting down from sixty.

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"That was sick" Theo shouts as we all head backstage. I just nod my head, I didn't really want to talk to anyone. "Pel you coming back to Mum's?" Starr asks as we walk into the dressing room. I shrug my shoulders. "Have you talked to her? I have never and I repeat, NEVER seen you this hung up on a girl before" She mutters, kicking her shoes of before jumping on the sofa. "I spoke to her.. we spoke on the phone, fairly certain she wants nothing to do with me so" I mutter, sitting on the arm of the sofa, pulling my phone out to see if Tee had sent anything. "Pel, I don't want to be the one to say this because I love you and I want what's best for you, but have you thought about maybe just moving on, I mean tour is only going to be around the corner" She whispers, looking up at me. She was right, as much as I wanted Tee I had to think about what the strain of tour would do to us, what it would do to her. "And Dancing On Ice, if you make the finals, I mean if they do a tour you're kind of committed to that" She states, taking a selfie. I love Starr, I do, but I didn't need a list of reasons as to why me and Tee didn't belong together right now. "Since when was you a relationship expert" I muttered, locking and unlocking my phone. "I'm not, i'm just saying that I care about you and i'm worried that you're not in the head space for this drama" She replies, her voice soft. I knew she only wanted what was best for me, but I felt like no one really understood how I felt right now, I don't think I understood. "She makes me happy Starr" I whisper, looking at the photo of us both. "I can see she does, I really can Pel, but if she wants nothing to do with you, you need to let it go, not matter how hard that is" She whispers, standing up and coming over to me, giving me a side hug. I nod my head. "Just a few more days" I whisper, she looks up at me, her eyes showing that she's holding back from the argument she was going to cause with whatever she was going to respond, she just gives me a small nod along with a small smile. "I'm gonna head down to the studio for some quiet time, tell Mum i'll be round for dinner tomorrow" I whisper, giving her a small squeeze before she pulls away. "I love you Pel, i'm always here, I might not be a lad but I am your sister" She chuckles, I give her a proper smile before I walk out of the dressing room, grabbing my duffle bag on the way.

I get into the car with Dave who had recently become my personal chauffer, I ask him to drop me off at the studio before I pull my headphones from my bag and put my music on, getting lost in the vibes of Justin Bieber. I'm not sure why but I genuinely loved the Bieber, I don't know if its how I felt listening to his voice sing, or whether it was that the lyrics spoke volumes to me.

The ride to the studio felt like it didn't take as long as it usually would, but I was deep in thought, maybe that was why. Maybe I needed to do some huge gesture towards Tee to make her understand how I felt, but I also knew deep down that she wasn't that type of person, she didn't like surprises, and she didn't seem like the top for a crowd declaring love person either. So that marked them two off the list. When I get inside the studio, i'm still listening to my music which is probably why I don't spot Dani pulling boxes out of the storage cupboard, which makes us both jump when I shut the door behind me. "Oh my goodness Perri Kiely" She mutters, clutching her chest.  "Sorry Dani, what are you still doing here? It's late" I reply, walking over and helping her lift the boxes. "Counting stock, need to sort out the Butlins tops ready for the summer, you know me, organized and things" She chuckles, sitting down on the sofa. I nod, "What are you doing here? shouldn't you be going to bed somewhere" She scolds, the mother side of her coming out, she was like my second mum, I knew I always had her to rely on. "Needed to blow off steam" I whisper. "Studio one, no longer than two hours, Ashley wont be happy if you're too tired for tomorrow" She warns, but gives me a small smile, I thank her and head on into the studio, placing my bag down on the floor and waking over to the music desk. I plug my phone in and already know what song I wanted to dance to. The beat for 'Better As Friends' by Steve Reece comes playing through the speakers and it isn't long before i'm lost in the music, my body moving in ways I didn't fully know was possible. It was like my limbs and body knew what to do without thinking about it.  As the music ends I do a back flip, landing on my feet before taking a place on the floor. I put my head into my hands, panting, I guess a routine dance, a day of rehearsals and then dancing because it's all you knew on getting your feelings out was a day for being tired and aching all over, I knew id sleep properly tonight.

I stand up, stretching as high as I could without feeling pain, and stroll over to my phone. I click Tee's name in my contacts and start writing the essay of all texts, I needed to tell her everything, I needed her to know how I felt, I needed her to know everything that was going through my head, maybe that would help her with talking to me. Maybe it wouldn't but right now I was faced with the option of not seeing her again, which I knew I couldn't let happen, I wouldn't let happen. It sounds stupid for someone to like someone this much when you haven't known each other long, but I had read before about knowing 'the one' before everyone else did, that wasn't me saying that Tee was the girl I was going to marry because I didn't have the best track with relationships, but I knew that I wanted Tee in my life, I knew that I needed her in my life, she was special, and I knew we both had a connection whatever that connection was, I wasn't going to let it slip through my fingers.

Tee,

I know you want space and that's okay, I want you to have that space to process everything. I'm not sure if you watched the dance tonight, I was nervous about you watching it, im not sure why because well I dance everyday, you've seen me dance, but I guess its the first proper dance since you finding out the truth, which I still am sorry about by the way. I walked past a milkshake place today, it reminded me of you. I still have that photo as my lock screen, I don't have the heart to change it, I don't want to change it, it reminds me of how much you hated me to being with, lol. If I knew this was how we was going to be when I first met, I would of made sure you knew who I was before I fell. I don't fully know or understand what love is, or what it feels like, and I always said It was like a transaction, it could be turned off, but if it ever can be turned off I don't want it to be turned off for you, I want to be the person in your life that makes you feel safe, I want to come off stage and be greeted with your smile, and your eyes, those damn eyes that make my heart skip, I miss you Tee, I really do, please just know that I am sorry for everything.. I like you.

Your Pel x

I sigh. I send the text and look around the room. I loved this life, I loved dance, but for Tee, I was 80% prepared to give it up for her, that's how sure I was that we was supposed to be together.