Behind The Camera

Chapter Eleven.

"Where did you sneak off to last night? another mystery lover" Stacey chuckles, dancing around the bedroom to Little Mix. "I wish.." I mutter, lying down on my bed, I really didn't feel up to going to class today. "You met Perri didn't you?" She asks, raising her eyebrow at me. I just nod my head, there is no point in even trying to deny it, she knew me way too well. "I told you-" She starts but I cut her off. "I know what you've told me I do, and everything's just jumbled and I cant think and I just need time to think, I just need to work this out, if its a mistake then please just let me make it" I whisper. tears falling down my face, I had tried to hard the last few days to act strong and act like everything was okay but in reality I knew this was the end. All night I had thought about the possibility of me and Perri being a thing, being in a relationship and each time I thought about it, the ending each time was different. I would never fit into that life style, I didn't ever want my life aired publicly for everyone to see. Perri was brought into this life from a young age, it was all he ever really knew, I however did not want millions of Instagram followers, or people following me around town when I was shopping. The only realistic option I had was to call it quits before it even happened, to save us both a public heartbreak in the end. But was that really what I wanted? no of course not. Every option that played out in my head ended up with me hurting him, or him hurting me and I understand that relationships is about trust, its about the knowing anything can happen and still taking that risk but it was never just going to be me and Perri, it was always going to be, me Perri and the world, and I wasn't ready for that.

"Penny for your thoughts babe" Stacey asks, sitting next to me on the bed. "I cant be with him, I don't think I can be without him, I mean even if we don't see each other I am still going to see him around campus, his still going to be on my TV screen, no matter what happens his still going to be around, how do you get over someone who is just going to be around constantly" I mutter, putting my head in my hands. "With great difficulty, but I do have something for you" Stacey says, trailing off at the end. She steps up from the bed and pulls an envelope out of a bag and proudly hands it to me. I look at the envelope and see my name, but the letter had already been opened. "Less judging for opening it, more reading" Stacey chuckles, sitting back next to me on the bed. I roll my eyes and open the envelope, pulling the letter out.

Miss Tee Smith,

It is my greatest pleasure to invite you down for an interview for our development programme for 'Dramatic Arts for Young People' (DAY) centre. Your grades are outstanding. I thank you humbly for your portfolio and your recommendations were again outstanding.

If you achieve the level requirements with the exams that will be given to you after your interview we will set up a day for a trial to see how you cope within the role.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Joanne Sulkins
Head of DAY.

I look at Stacey with wide eyes. "When did you do this?" I question. "I figured when i found out the truth and knew i was going to have to tell you that you would want an exit plan lined up. But if im honest i don't want you to leave here, i want my best friend with me whilst i do this, as im sure you would, i think if you go home for the weekend, take time away figure out your own head" She whispers the last part. This is where i process the last few days and time away was always good when you need it. "I told him it was best we didn't see each other for a while.." I mutter, looking down and playing with my hands. "Only you know whats best, whats best for you, i promised to support you" Stacey says with a smile, leaning over and hugging me slightly. "I'm just so annoyed at myself, like i was so angry, i was so hurt and i feel like ive forgotten all of that, i feel like ive just welcomed him back into my life with open arms, i have no idea what im walking into by just being friends with him let alone going any further.. i barely even know what i want to achieve in life anymore, ive had my heart set on English and then it was Music, and i feel like every sad love song, or every romantic book ive read im living, but i know that when i hug him or even just look into his eyes I feel okay, I feel complete and that's so cliché, like I've known him a month if that I've barely even had a boyfriend Stace, all my romance cliché perfect boyfriends come from a book. What the fuck am i supposed to do or say, if I go home do I tell him, do I send him a postcard, leave a comment under a photo with five thousand likes? I thought relationships was hard when i didn't know who he was, now I feel like if I even stood a chance id be fighting a million other people off in the process, I feel like a week of sleep can't even solve this dilemma and that's unusual" I mutter. "I do know where you're coming from Tee, take it from someone who has had boyfriends and terrible experiences in the past, I've seen the way Perri looks at you and there's something there.. I wish there wasn't I'm not going to lie but there is and as for everything else you're eighteen at what point during the last two years was you supposed to have your life together, life is about making choices and making mistakes and regretting them, its about taking power and changing your mind and moving on from it all and starting again. Life is made to be lived the way you want, its not about following the same rules as everyone else and turning into a hundred robots its about making a change which is what you've always wanted to do, you've always wanted to be that stubborn female who stood out from the crowd and stood up for what you believe in, nothing has changed" Stacey chuckles to herself. I give her a small smile. "I think I'm going to go home for the weekend, sleep on it" I reply, nodding my head as if I'm telling myself that this is the right thing to do. "I will help you pack" She gives me a small smile back. "Thank you" I whisper, as we both stand up from the bed, pulling clothes and bags out of my drawers.

"Do you definitely know you like him" Stacey asks as she folds away her clean washing. I just look at her. "I, I honestly don't know, he just makes me want to be a better person.. like watching him dance, watching him connect with that and see how he flows to the music its indescribable. It's almost as if he leaves whatever is bothering him at the door and as soon as the music starts his someone else, his Perri. Where as I can have the worst day, me and Perri can be mid-argument about something and as soon as I see his smile, smell his jumper, look in them entrancing eyes, that's it i'm back at baseline, i'm fine" I mutter. "You've fallen for him, his fallen for you, is there no way you could make it work" She asks, sitting down on her bed. I think this is the only positive conversation me and Stacey have had about me and Perri which means she was listening, it meant she had worked things out in her head to help me work my head out, but thinking about her question, I honestly didn't know, could we make it work?. I started to think about all the times his on the TV, or when he goes away on tour to dance for a different city every night, I think about all the times i'd just be sat at home, watching him from my TV, wishing he was around to cuddle up to. "Tell me what you're thinking" She whispers. "If his in London and I am here, does that work? If his away for a three month tour where all we have is FaceTime, or a message, does that work?" I whisper, looking up at her. "If you make it work, it works" She whispers back. "I think you need to go home, have a good nights sleep, go to your interview, we can then go and look at our next adventure, and then we will re-group" She states, holding up her fingers for each thing to tick of her list. I nod my head. "But for now, get some sleep, it's going to be a long drive in the morning" She whispers, patting my head. I roll my eyes but crawl into my bed, pulling my duvet over myself, wishing it would just bury me away from everything.