DEPRESSION

Part 4

   Now I was starting to realize that I have to stop whatever is happening to me. Because if this kept on going, it will completely finish me, it will eat me up and I was never one of those who gave up or quitted. This was the time I realized that if this keeps on going I will destroy my life and others too. I had to stop this.
   Now I wasn't in a type of condition in which I could open up or tell or talk to anyone about what was happening or what was going on with me. Because my sister was now in a completely different world. She had completely changed. My mom and dad used to always be fighting because of our financial condition. My mom used to always be in a very bad mood. My dad didn't used to come home till late night like 2 or 3 am. He used to be on his job. I understand but the problem was his boss had said that you have family so you don't have to stay till the closing. You can leave early like at 11 or 10 PM. My dad at first used to come home early but then he started to come home at 2 or 3 am and that used to make my mom even more angry. So my whole family was a mess at this point. And in reality like if I am being completely honest then the actual reason why I planned to finally get myself together was my family because someone had to be in their right mind if something happened. Judging their behavior, I knew one thing and that was, they were in no mood of getting their shit together. So that ultimately made me want to get my shit together.
   At first I had no idea what to do. Because I didn't know how to handle anything. Hell I was just 9 at that time. I had zero idea of anything.
   I had this habit of talking to myself. I still have it. I remember that when I saw my family's condition, I used to talk to myself and used to think what could possibly get them back to their senses. Now during this time I realized the only way I could get myself together was by talking to myself. I know I sound like an absolute psycho but that's what helped me the most.
   At first I didn't knew what to do but then I thought maybe if we start from the first time when the things started to go wrong, I might help myself. So I started having sessions with myself in the washroom because that was the most private place in my entire house. Anyways I started talking to myself about the first time, then the second time and so on. In total it took me about 3 weeks to get my senses back.
   Now if you remember in the previous parts I stated how badly I was falling and failing in studies. This whole thing, I mean the session thing helped me think straight. I told myself "look umaima, you have to get yourself together. If you don't you are going to become a failure and you don't want it. So get the fuck up and start using your fucking brain because if you keep up with this you going to lose everything. Your reputation, your image in school, your friends and most importantly mom and dad will get extremely upset with you. So get your shit together to dumbass bitch." That's how I got myself together.
   After this whole thing, after about 2 days our tests started and after about two to three weeks my result came and I had scored 65.89 percentage. I was happy like crazy happy. That was my achievement after those sessions. I went home. My dad was angry but when I told him he got very happy. After months I had seen him smiling and genuinely. I told my sister, at first she was genuinely happy and then suddenly something happened and that smile on her face started looking fake. I at that moment was literally screaming internally that how stupid of me to tell her about this. Obviously, now she was hurt badly. And the reason was, she was like a shining star back in Karachi. Like scoring first position in quite literally every damn thing. I used to feel jealous but then I knew that I was never capable of achieving of that. So my jealousy eventually ended. Anyways coming back to the story. My mom was a teacher so she used to return home till 3 PM and then dad used to leave for his job. So when she came home obviously she was super duper angry but when I told her about the result. She nearly came in tears. When my dad saw this he said that he will take a day off and we will go for a dinner. I knew about our financial condition, so I said that no he should go to his job and that this wasn't such a big deal. He agreed but said that he was going to go after tea time. In short everyone was happy. My sister also got a lil better after a while so everyone was happy now.
   After that I was in a wayyyyyyyyyyy more better condition. I started to try to become even more better at studies. And I was getting better but now I was becoming blind. I didn't used to care anymore about anybody. And that was wrong so wrong I mean just WRONG. Because I knew about everyone's condition but I had started to act blind which was wrong. I should've helped them after I helped myself. I mean wasn't that the reason why I got myself together.
   After this my tests started again and now I scored 73.58 percent. This was big. So once again the whole house was happy. And then later on my birthday came. My 10th birthday. Thank God the everyone was glad and my birthday was spent just like other birthdays but we had opted for a cheaper dinner than usual. In our family, when it's someone's birthday dad brings them chocolates or toffees and then we go for a dinner at any restaurant which is selected by the special person I mean the one whose birthday it is. Well everything went great. After about a week of my birthday my sister's birthday comes. And thankfully it was also great.
   After this shit went wrong. And it wasn't me this time who was in a shithole. It was my sister. And she was way more deep in it than I was. It was bad. VERY BAD. Bad enough to stop me dead in the tracks.

P.S. Wash your hands. Stay away. Keep distance. Take care. Stay sanitized. Don't fucking panic. Coronavirus is serious shit so don't act chill. Take it seriously you little piece of shit. ❤❤❤💗💗💗💖💖💖