DEPRESSION

Part 9

   Depression is sometimes which makes you feel lost, lonely, in dark and empty. I have always described depression as a feeling of darkness. Depression ie something inevitable. No matter how hard you try, you will go through it and experience it. Because life is unfair and we have to live with it.
   It's a feeling in which you don't know whether to open up or not. Whether you should tell someone about yourself or not. You think too much about everything. You think about small stuff in the most negative way. You don't know and neither do you try to understand your feelings or others. It's a hard time.
   It's a time in your life when you don't understand anything. You doubt yourself. You question the smallest and simplest things. You start caring about how others think about you and you always throw your feelings in the trash can. You only hear the negativity around you. You never try to hear the positivity spreading around you. In other words, you start giving a lot of shits and fucks about what others think about you. You stop believing in yourself. You don't care about how your body is, you only care about what others think about how your body looks like.
   When I went through it, the only thing I wanted throughout the 15 years of my life was that I wanted someone. I wanted someone who can hear me. To whom I can open up about myself. A person, to whom I can tell that all this time I was never the perfect being. That the reason why I have became so outspoken is not because I was always like this. The reason why I am confident today is not because I always was. The reason why I walk with my chest up and high is not because I always was like this. It's the fucked up people who made me like this.
   The reason why I am so outspoken is because I am fed up of they're bullshit. I am fed up of the way they treat people who are different from them. They reason why I am so confident today is because they can do nothing to me anymore. I am done with their empty threats. I am done with their bullshit. The reason why I walk with my chest up and high is because I am no more that person who used to get scared of their stares and remarks. Their comments about me will do nothing and won't effect me ever. The reason why I am like this today is because I might've not seen the cruelty and horrors of life but I do know how to tackle these pieces of horseshit. They cannot do anything now.
   It's hard to see others suffering and struggling. You do everything to take them out of there misery. But when the same time comes upon you that's when you realize why they weren't allowing you to help them. That's when you realize how hopeless they were. That's when you realize how hard it was for them. That's the time you realize how hard it was for them to believe that someone was out there for them.
   I won't throw pity party but I will say that there was no one for me. Not even a single soul. Because everyone was so horribly affected by the events. They didn't even knew about themselves. I won't say I had the worst of it. But I will say that if someone tries to help you. Please accept it. It's very hard to go through it alone. By yourself. It's the worse thing you can do to yourself by rejecting someone's help. Please I beg no matter who is reading this that please accept the help. It's hard. Very hard. You might just harm yourself even more by thinking that if you will reject others, you can get better. You have no idea how hard it gets.
   Even now, whenever I think about those times, I just end up crying. Crying about if I just tried to tell someone maybe just maybe they would've helped me. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on. I needed that but I never got one. So, if you ever get one. Please don't reject it. Please accept it. If someone wants to listen you. Please tell them. Please open up.
   Another important thing I wanted to talk about is suicide. It's a horrifying thing. Just thinking about how could someone end their life, disgusts many. And I fucking hate it. Because you have no idea how much guts you need to that. I have gone through that time. There were many times when I just wanted to pick up the knife and go for it. When I just wanted to swallow all those panadols. When I just wanted to fall from the roof. But every damn time a part of me used to scream at me. "YOU WILL SURVIVE. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR. NOT A VICTIM. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU WILL GET IN YOUR RIGHT MIND AGAIN. JUST DON'T DO THIS. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS."
   It was hard. It still is hard. The only thing which helped me this entire time was the hope of that everyone gets to sunshine after the pitch black darkness of the night. And if you pay attention, the night after all isn't that dark. Their is always a slight sparkle of the stars even on a moon-less night. There is always hope. It's you who has to try. Trying isn't hard if you want to truly achieve something. If you want something from the depth of your heart. Then remember you can never ever fail. You might not get what you want but instead you might get something better than what you want to. Life is unfair but not soooooo unfair. Sometimes it's even more better than just being fair.
   Remember that you will go through happy and sad moments throughout your life. You will go through dark times. But the light will still try to find it's way to you. No one can ever stay in darkness forever until it's their choice. Everyone gets to see the bright sun. Let it be at the last second but they will witness the dawn of the sun. Never ever lose you hope. Never ever let anyone else take over your mind, body and the way you think. Never ever submit yourself until it's needed.
   Remember that if you are in dark. Then someone was either in that time too or is currently. You are never ever alone. There is always someone with you or is there for you. You are not alone. You are never ever alone and you can never be alone. There is always someone for you. There is always someone who is secretly hoping that you find your way back. That your fight ends. That your misery will end. There is always someone there for you.
   Never ever give up. Please don't give up. You are a survivor and you will stay a survivor. You won't fall victim to this vile and vicious thing. To this dark and lonely piece of shit. To depression. Please never lose hope.

P.S. Don't panic. Wash your hands. Don't touch your face. Don't panic buy. Stay sanitized. Stay safe. Take care. Maintain distance. (I cried several times while writing this part). 💜💜💜❤❤❤💗💗💗💖💖💖.