DEPRESSION

Part 8

   So here is the real deal. As I mentioned earlier my periods were horrifying and a true nightmare. And in order to stop them or have a control on them I had to take medicines. They were and are the worse thing in my life. Turns out my one month medication plan was basically a whole lot of medicines triggering things that shouldn't be triggered.
   They changed my whole damn body. From my hair growth to my voice. Each everything changed. The medicines changed everything. Obviously they were going to change everything. Everyone knew but nobody knew that it was going to be so drastic. Within a month my voice changed so drastically that my sister started worrying about it.
   Within a month, if you were going to see from the back, you would've thought a man or a teenage boy is standing. Because my shoulders became really broad. My hair growth in every part of my body increased except for my head. I am fat enough, so I have a double chin but because my jaw had became more stronger, you couldn't even make wild guess that I have a double chin.
   But everything in my body didn't turn in a show of masculinity. My chest got big enough that nearly every week I had to tell my mom that my bra is now tight and I need another one. My hips got big enough that I was ashamed of them. In short words, now not only my mind was fucked, my body was also horribly fucked and messed up.
   At first I didn't cared. I was like yeah it is like this. Everyone goes through drastic changes. But actually I was acting blind because people don't seriously start looking like the opposite gender in just a month or two. And when I realized about that. I was petrified. I didn't knew what to do anymore. I knew I had to do something about it because if I won't stop thinking about everything, I will be dragged into that shithole again. The blackness will once again consume me and this time there will be no way out. Or at least not till a very great degree.
   By now my 7th grade was about to end. So I thought let the finals finish then I will be think about anything else. Just when my exams, my uncle died. I will be lying if I said that his death didn't affect me. Because it affected me a great deal because in December of 2016, my grandmother had passed away and nearly after just 3 months my favourite uncle passed away. I was left devastated. After a whole week of grieving, I finally got myself but my depression also got me back. I was vulnerable at that time and my mind for some fucked up reason why thought why not think about everyone with a damn body. And when I started to think about all other girls, I realized how ugly I was as compared to them. I started to hate every living cell in my body.
   Those small shoulders, those lush head hair, smooth skins and just everything about all other girls around me started to make me feel embarrassed, it started to be suffocating and I just hated that feeling.  By now I knew that I was once again complete darkness. I knew that this time nothing will work because no matter what I used to think, no matter with what excuse i used to come with up my consciousness used to mock me and used to tell me do you think that other people will think like that. The answer was simple and small. NO.
   No matter how hard I was trying to get myself out of that shithole once again. I was just failing. And I couldn't believe that literally nothing is helping me. So I thought I will do what they want me do, what will want me do because now that's the only way out. Now I have acne and a very oily skin.
   So I started doing all those totkays and home remedies. I did them for a whole month regularly. I tried every fucking thing but not even a single damn thing worked. I was tired now and I realized that now even the last hope and last ray of sunshine had vanished and disappeared into thin air. I was hopeless now. I had nothing left now. Now there was no out.
   Anyways the most painful thing which happened was when Eid-ul-fitr came. We were attending dinners and everything. My sister looked beautiful. I was very happy that finally something happy is happening. I was very excited. But this one dinner was basically a nightmare.
   Everyone was showering my sister with compliments. I was jealous okay. Obviously. But I knew this was going to happen so I didn't really cared. But after a few hours one of my aunt's said how beautiful my sister was looking and that how my mother should teach me to dress. I was froze at that moment. Hell even my mother was shocked on her words. Everyone soon realized that what she had said and started to say nah umaima is also looking fine. Only one of my aunt knew my condition and she in an instance came up to defend me. She pretty much throughout rest of the dinner tried her best to cover me up and save me from those nasty remarks. But I was no fool. I understood what everyone was hiding and that was the time I realized that I can never ever look beautiful like those other girls. My hair will never go down till my waist. My skin will never look spotless. My skin will never look smooth. My shoulders will never look small. My body will never look feminine like every other girl except for my breasts. I will never ever look like a girl. NEVER EVER.
   This affected me a great deal. For about 3 weeks I just used to look at myself in the mirror and wonder how ugly I look. Wonder if in the future will even a single soul bait an eye towards me. Wonder why I can't be as beautiful as my sister and my mother. Just FUCKING WHY. I never chose this life for myself. I never wanted to look like this. I wanted to look like every other girl. Not like a man with fucking boobs. I hated myself. I hate just everything and everyone.
   Finally after days I was watching my feed and this whole trend of adoring your body the way it is was going on. I never thought about them but I also never denied that these campaigns actually help a lot. Anyways I was scrolling through my feed when I saw this one post. It said "everyone looks different because everyone is different. You don't have to justify about how you look. It's not what you chose for yourself. It's what your body chose for itself. You can't do anything. But you can do one thing and that is OWN IT."
   It sounds pretty dumb but for some reason why my mind thought that it was the only thing which can be the source of my hope and the source of light in my full and dark life. It effected me a lot.
   At first I didn't thought about it much but then whenever I used to be free or thinking about some dumbass stuff, I used to remember it. Eventually and slowly I started to relate myself to the statement. I used to think I am just different from the other girls. I am just not what others are. I am one in a million. I might not be perfect like all other girls but I also don't have a stuck up personality look those dumb beautiful and egotistical people. I am just different from them. I am not a beauty in it's simplest form but instead I am a beauty in a rare form. I know you must be by now tired of me bragging about myself. But that's what happened.
    I realized sometimes you can't do anything about somethings but what you can do is you can OWN IT. That's how I started loving myself. That's how I started realizing my worth. And I hope you can too.

P.S. Wash your hands. Don't fucking panic. Take care. Stay safe. Stay sanitized. Maintain social distancing/physical distancing. ❤❤❤💖💖💖💗💗💗💜💜💜.