DEPRESSION

Part 5

   At this point, I was way better than before but I won't say that I was perfectly fine by now. But I was way more better than before. I was well enough to help others but at the same time not well enough.
   As I said before that I had gone blind in my success or let's say I had gone blind after I got better. I had gone blind and didn't even notice what was going on with my sister. My sister was basically dying. She was dead internally and was about to die externally.
   One day my mom got very angry with her and said to her " I am fed up of your behavior. Move on. Start getting your grades up or I will kick you out of this house. You think you are the only one suffering. You think you are the only one who is hurt. Because of you we fight everyday. Because of your selfishness I and your father fight everyday. Get yourself together. " This whole thing got my sister psycho angry like she started smiling at my mom and then went out of the room. I followed her out of the room and asked her what was she doing. She looked me dead in the eyes and said " I am going to commit suicide. " I was left shocked. She started smiling. I said " have you lost your damn mind? What are you even saying? Do you know what you are saying? " I at that time thought what was the only thing which will stop her from saying this. The only thing which came in my mind were mom and dad. So I said " what will happen to mom and dad? Do you even know what will people say? " I know it was stupid of me to say that but I was literally in a panic mood at that time. Because I knew that she had nothing to lose at that time so she will actually do it. I tried to say look you will go straight to hell. She replied "I will enjoy it when people will hate mom and dad. They deserve to feel the hate for what they have done to me. They deserve to live in pain. And I will love it when people will hate them. When they will look at them with eyes full of disgust. And about that hell. I am already living in one." During this whole time she was starting in my eyes and was smiling the whole time.
   I knew that she was very serious about the whole suicide thing. That whole night I wasn't able to sleep. I thought about every alternate or anything which could do in that situation. I thought maybe she might runaway but when I thought about it even more. I started to think like she would be, when I thought about running away it meant that there was a possibility that they could catch me, at that point our financial condition was very bad so she couldn't runaway with anything and overall there were only disadvantages of running away. So there was basically no other thing than suicide in that situation. Now I was panicking quite badly about this whole situation.
   Anyways after a week, my mom was again angry with her and she left the room. Now my sister was sitting on the bed and I was sitting on the corner of the bed. She looked at me and said where are the pills? I looked at her and I said I have no idea what you are talking about. She said I am asking you where is the medicine box? I said I don't know and for god sakes stop this. What's wrong with you? She silently started smiling and got into the position to sleep. I also went quite but then another week was spent in which I didn't, even for once was able to sleep.
   Now my sister used to go to academy. The academy timing's used to be from 4:30 to 8:30. Her van used to come at 4:15 and used to drop her at 8:45. So after about a week of endless sleepless nights I finally got the courage to speak about the whole matter with my mom. I had decided that when my sister was going to leave for academy I will tell her about everything. Because now I was getting angry. You know why because now when I was looking at my sister you could easily tell that she was about to have a breakdown. But no my mom and dad both had started to now regularly insult her and scold her. Yeah I was a meanie little bitch if a sister but I cared about my sister. I know what she was going through. I could see it on her face that she was completely broken. So broken that even if someone wanted to join her, they couldn't, they just can't. Even if the wanted to find the broken pieces of her, they wouldn't find'em all. She was completely shattered. It was like as if a glass was broken to pieces and then someone stepped on the little pieces of broken glass and then repeatedly jumped on them. Now the glass pieces were completely crushed. That was my sister now. She was pieces of glass that were crushed heartlessly. You could see it on her face, in her eyes and the way she used to speak. She was completely finished.
   My sister was now basically in an other world. The world of hopelessness. She was the time of person who were perfectionist. She was a perfectionist. She was the shining star of everywhere. No matter what she used to do or where she used to do. She used to get her name to the top or at least used to make her name known to everybody. She was a person full of hope and energy. She was also enthusiastic about achieving absolutely anything. She was a gem. But now she was basically a glass broken to pieces. She was the darkness that nobody wanted around themselves. Now she only used to have absolutely zero hope about anything. The only people in her life were just few friends who were as much suicidal as much she was. Or let me say this her friends were the ones that everybody despises in your school. They used to be always smoking, always bad mouthing teachers, always abusing literally anybody and always failing like literally any damn test. They were the most famous cheaters of our campus. Those were my sister's friends. I know I sound too judgmental and all but at that time they weren't the type of company that my sister would need. But then again she used to find happiness in them so I never ever ever said these things to her and besides that her friends were fine with me so I never said anything to them or to my sister. But then again I was very worried about her.
   I had no idea how to deal with this. I know I was suicidal at one time but I never really thought about committing it because whenever I used to think about it, I used to tell myself "look umaima currently no one is in their right minds. You have to get yourself together. There are more people who are suffering and struggling and are hurt in way more worse ways than you are. So, stop the pity party and get yourself together. " To be home the only reason why I don't fear death now is because of that time. I used to think that everybody has their own expiry date so there us no way you can runaway from it but the one thing you can runaway from, is bringing the death to yourself by yourself. I know I sound dumb but that's just who I am.
   Anyways coming back to the real deal. If I thought I was strong enough or sensible enough to help anybody or anyone, HA I was WRONG. VERY VERY WRONG.  Because I had now,  absolutely no idea what to do let alone even to anything or not. I was clueless.
   Just when I thought I was out of a shithole. I was dragged again into it and it was my sister who had been the reason of my entry in to this whole depression thingy for the second time.

P.S. Wash your hands. Stay away. Don't fucking panic. Take shit seriously right now. Stay sanitized. Take care. ❤❤❤💖💖💖💗💗💗