Trust In Time

Chapter 16: Part Of The Past

"Well now what?" I ask impatiently. We've now been sitting in this god awful traffic for twenty minutes. Will hasn't said a word since we got into the car. He's just been staring blankly into the void and tapping his thumb on the steering wheel. It's unsettling.

"Earth to William!" I shout as I dramatically wave my hands in front of his face.

He snaps to attention and gingerly pushes my hands out of his personal space before he answers, "I'm sure it'll let up soon. I heard the police scanner say there was an accident up ahead."

So that's what the police scanner said through all the static and gibberish. How could he even decipher that? A suffocating silence filled the air between us again. This is driving me crazy every time I've seen him he's been all outgoing and full of charm. I wonder what's wrong.

I decide speak up and try to break the silence. Maybe if I talk about what's going on with me, he'll open up. Plus Andrew would be really proud of me for talking to someone.

"So uh you never asked why I was at therapy." I instantly start to naw on my nails to help me cope with this conversation.

He looks over at me with an unreadable look on his face and says, "It's none of my business."

"You're right, but I'm going to tell you anyway. A very short version at least."

"You don't have to if it's too much. I understand." He says. This time I'm able to read the empathy in his face.

"It's okay. I should practice. I'm not very good—well actually I completely suck at opening up. So don't tell anyone I'm doing this. It'll hurt my reputation that I've worked very hard for." And there's the sarcasm coping mechanism.

I take a deep breath in attempt to navigate all my thoughts, "My father died about a year ago. Overdosed on heroin. He was an addict since I was around 5." I decide not to say what was the catalyst of his addiction. That'll be getting into too much.

I chance a look at Will and see that he's very much stunned and confused, "I'm sure Gray didn't talk about it much. He has his reasons, that I'll let him tell you when he's ready. But for me, it was hard. That year before he died, he swore to me he would get clean. He said 'I can't go on knowing you and Grayson hate me.' I didn't hate him though. Not one bit. Was I angry and frustrated with him? Yes of course. I sometimes wish I did hate him, it would've made it all easier. At the the end of the day though he was still my father and I didn't want to lose another parent." Tears were falling down my face now, and I couldn't stop the words coming out of my mouth even if I tried.

"He was clean for about two months before he fell victim to his demons once again. We were never close and I was too young to remember how he was before all this, but when he said he wanted to get clean for us, his family, I couldn't resist. I tried everything in my power to get him to stop. I told him I was there for him and I wanted to help. I took him to countless support groups and tried to get him into rehab, but none of it worked. I wasn't enough to keep him here."

Will grabs my hand and uses his other hand to move my face so I was looking at him. "Nora, you did everything right. It's not your fault."

"I know that now, but I didn't then. I was the one who found him, you know. I went over to check on him every week to make sure he had groceries and the house was cleaned up. But I was too late that day. Thirty minutes too late to be exact. The paramedics tried everything to resuscitate him, but it was no use. He was gone." A sob escapes from me.

"I'm so sorry," is all Will says with teary eyes of his own.

I sniffle and wipe away some of my own tears before I continue, "After that, I was understandably a mess. I already had a past with anxiety and depression, and that just triggered it. I stopped going to school, I stopped hanging out with my friend, Liam, I completely pushed Gray away, and I plunged into the dark abyss all alone. I stayed there for a long time and let it consume me. I don't want to talk about what all happened during that time, but eventually I got help. That's all that matters. And now I'm on some medication and go see a therapist every week. I have bad days, but I'm doing better overall." I finish and feel this undeniable weight come off my shoulders by saying that all out loud.

Sure I'm a little mortified that I let all this out with a guy I barely know, but that's even better. He doesn't already have a predilection of me that makes telling my past to people I'm close with weird. Now, if Will is going to be in my future at all, at least he knows who I am. I know my past doesn't define me, but it has made me into this entirely different person. Even though I'm scared most of the time to show people who I truly am, it feels better that someone knows why I am the way I am.

Of course I didn't tell him about my mom or what all happened during my time in the abyss, but that can be another day. Well maybe if he doesn't go running for hills after everything I just told him.

"Thank you for telling me that, Nora. I appreciate you trusting me enough to open up. You're incredibly brave for going through all that and still coming out as an amazing person. Just so you know, I don't view you any different than I did before. You're still the same, sassy pork chop I've come to know." He give my hand a squeeze as extra reassurance.

Wow I was not expecting that. He handled it so well.

"Thank you for be-did you just call me pork chop?" Do I need my hearing checked?

"Yes I did." He let out as small chuckle the same time I did.

"Jesus, Will, I tell you all that and you call me a pork chop what is wrong with you!" I ridicule as I still laugh.

"I needed to see you smile." He reaches over and wipes my face that's still wet from me crying and fixes the hairs that have fallen out of my ponytail behind my ears. I feel a not-so-subtle blush rush to my cheeks.

"Charming as always." I chide while turning away so he doesn't see my tomato face.

" I haven't told you why I go to therapy." He suddenly grows serious and inches the car forward in attempt to get through the traffic.

"Just because I open up doesn't mean you have to. You can tell me when you're ready." I offer him a warm smile.

He nods his head and I can tell he's debating on what to do.

"I killed someone." He says as his eyes stare  unwavering into mine.