Sweet as sugar cold as ice

Chapter 18: alone

     It was Saturday noting and I was getting up to get ready for my day. Although I probably won't go to see Dally today I still need to get dressed. I guess I can stay in my room all day. I can't go out of my room and see the disgrace of a mother. She used to hit me occasionally as a kid and I kept dreaming about getting abused by her last night. I couldn't go to sleep so I decided to just stay awake.
    In some ways I feel guilty my mom has always financially supported me and I practically was the reason her child died. I mean it was my fault. She has every right to hate me. I understand where she's coming from I practically hate myself at this point.
    I got up and got dressed even though I was just going to sit around. I put in bright red shorts and a white shirt to match. I braided my hair because I was bored and it would look good with the outfit. (Picture above).
     I went to go lay on my bed and I sat there feeling lonely. Not only did I feel as if I was isolating myself I felt this deep hole in my chest. I felt separated from myself. Not only do I not seem to have friends I don't seem to have myself. I felt my head get a bit dizzy and my vision went white for a moment.

     "I'll never have anyone anymore." My mom cried out. My five year old self went up to her.
     "Mommy you'll have me." I smiled rubbing my hand across hers. Her hand was so much bigger then mine.
     "No you are the reason i am suffering!" She yelled and pushed my whole body into a wall and then ran up the stairs. Leaving me there to cry as I rubbed my head that began to have pain.

     I began to open my eyes when I thought I was possibly having a flashback. That would explain all of the times my vision went white and I had some past memory. I'm so stupid to finally make the connection now. But why am I having these? Now that I think of it every time I had one of these I had just said something or someone said something to me that hurt me. It's like triggers. With sofies dad being a doctor he told me a lot. I began to think of the symptoms of ptsd. Irritability, hostility, social isolation, loss of interest, fear, mistrust, severe anxiety, flashbacks, guilt, loneliness, bad night mares, and insomnia. I seem to check most of the boxes I think. But I can't be a hypochondriac and just go around diagnosing myself. I mean sure I've been a little more irritable, I've been losing my temper more often then I used to. I've never really liked hanging out with anyone in the first place. I've lost all of my interest in school, I don't even want to go anymore and that used to be my favorite thing. I am quite fearful of everything. I definitely have flashbacks. I can't just get ahead of myself. I'll just let it play out. What's the worst taht could happen?
     Just then I jump when I hear something at my window. I unsteadily go towards it. Afraid of what could happen. Maybe just the tree. I walk over there and see dally with a stick in his hand about to throw it. I laugh then open the window.
     He climbs in, "you look nice." He comes in to kiss me but I jump. "Are you okay?" He asked not even noticing the bruise.
     "I'm fine." I smile as I lean into a kiss. This time he leans away.
     "What's on your face?" He asked concerned.
     "Nothing just a bruise." I shrug.
     "Just a bruise, what happened?" He asked Bentley grabbing my face trying to examine me but only making me jump.
     "Just fell down the stairs." I said.
     "This just doesn't happen from falling down the stairs, who hit you?" He asked filled with rage which made me even more nervous that I began to cry.
     "Nobody." I say backing away from him.
     "Allie please just tell me, you can trust me." He said trying to come closer but I just moved more.
    "Can I?" I ask.
    "Of course I would never do anything to hurt you." He said.
    "Everyone hurts someone." I say a tear rolling quickly down my cheek hitting my neck.
    "Baby I just want to help." He said.
    "I don't want." I walked into my bathroom and slammed the door. I could hear my window close then I heard silence. I'm alone.