Powder [phan]

VI

WARNING: DARK SHIT, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, DRUGS, ANGST, DEPRESSION, BLOOD

Phil's POV

The next morning I woke up with the most terrible headache in my life and puffy eyes. I hadn't been able to close the blinds anymore, which is why the sunlight now blinded me painfully. I immediately turned to see if Dan was lying next to me. But half of the bed was still empty.

Every single bone and muscle in my body hurt when I struggled to my feet and ran through the entire apartment. Dan was nowhere to be seen.

I took out my cell phone again and called him. And again nobody picked up.

He had been away all night and I was starting to get really worried.

Only now did I discover some messages from Oliver. I didn't bother to read them and called him directly.

"Phil? Hey, what the fuck? Where did you go yesterday?" He came straight to the point.

"Hey, yeah sorry. I was looking for Dan."

"And did you find him?" He asked and I already heard his mocking undertone, which I just didn't really care about. He didn't know anything.

"No." I said therefore sheepishly and ran into the bathroom, where I was looking for any painkillers "He didn't contact you either?"

"No, Phil."

"You are not worried about him?" I asked while pouring myself a glass of water.

"Sometimes." He said honestly and in fact his answer surprised me first. "But we can't treat him like a little child forever. We aren't his parents. You have to get out of this role."

I hated that he thought that way. In theory, he was right and if everything would've been okay with Dan it wouldn't be that difficult for me either. But Dan wasn't okay at all, which is why his statement only made me angry.

"Can you still try to call him? He doesn't answer me, we actually wanted to make a video for the Gaming Chanel." I lied.

"Why should he pick up my call?"

"Because you are Oliver. Come on, don't make me beg." I was tired.

"Okay." he sighed.

"Thanks." I muttered into my phone before hanging up.

Dan's POV

My phone kept ringing, but I couldn't bring myself to answer it.

Just stared at the display and waited until it stopped whirring, until his name disappeared.

I just didn't know where to go last night, which was why I had been on my feet all the time. I wasn't tired anyway. And I also knew why.

The substances in my body kept me from getting tired until the effects wore off.

Yes, I did it. I had relapsed.

I hated myself for it, even though it felt so good to feel it again. I could at least rely on that.

I could get it whenever I wanted and that feeling wouldn't let me down, it wouldn't disappoint. It was predictable. I could control it. Not like my feelings or thoughts.

Could I still face Phil like this? Now that I was weak, where I had broken my promise. We had fought together so that I could get over it and now everything was over.

It was now daylight again. Just as I got used to the darkness, to the silence that almost drove me crazy shortly after I took the coke. All my impulses had resisted this calm and I could hardly bear to be alone, but now that the streets of London were slowly filling up with people again, the first dog owners took the morning walk and the first people jogged past me I longed again not to be seen by anyone.