XXXIV

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Phil's POV

It had been a week since we had been at home. Dan and I had stopped talking about what happened in the woods. About our conversation and the fact that we kissed. Several times.

At some point, we left and went back to my house without saying anything. Since then we hadn't brought it up again and treated each other the same way we had before. No close contact, just friends. Oliver realized something had happened, but I didn't want to talk about it.

Maybe I wanted to think about it myself or maybe I just wanted to give Dan some time. In the end, though, after a few days, it was me who asked if he wanted to come over. We had enough time to think about it and I knew what I wanted. I wanted him.

I sat on my couch and stared impatiently at the clock

After everything that had happened, after all that shit, I still wanted him. Sometimes at night I'd lay in bed and wonder how you could love somebody that much. How fucked up it actually is to love someone so much. But it actually made sense. I'd seen him on his worst days, and still all I wanted was him.

After a few minutes the doorbell rang and I jumped up immediately and ran to the door. After I opened it, Dan was standing in front of me and it knocked me out again.

"Hey." He said out of breath.

"Hey." I tried to say it as calmly as I could, and I was managing to say it reasonably well.

I stepped aside so he could come into the apartment, and he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Do you want a drink?" I asked, but he shook his head, and we both automatically went into the living room and sat down on the couch. Each of us sat at the other end of the couch and we both kept silent for the first moment.

"Do you want to say something?" I started tentatively, wanted him to make the first move and Dan looked up, seemed to think for a while.

"I don't know what." he said. "I swear, five minutes ago I wanted to say a thousand things to you, and then suddenly you're standing in front of me and now I feel like I've forgotten every language that exists."

I laughed embarrassed and it started to feel like that moment when you're standing at your front door after a rendezvous and you don't know if you should kiss goodbye or not.

I looked up and from that moment on I couldn't look away. Somehow I had forgotten what kind of hell Dan and I went through together. He wasn't that fragile boy from a year ago. He looked healthy, radiated peace, could be happy.

It occurred to me that Dan was now a person with whom you could easily have a relationship without fear that something terrible would happen. He was ready for a relationship, not like a year ago. He was okay.

"I was glad you texted me." He suddenly said it and I smiled. "Do you want to talk about what happened there?"

I paused for a moment until I nodded and then looked down again at my hands. Everything we were about to say would determine our future. No matter how this conversation would end. Actually, we both knew exactly how it would end, but we had to talk about it. To have an intense, serious conversation about what would happen to both of us now.

"Do you regret it?" Dan asked, probably because I hadn't said anything for so long and I shook my head immediately.

"No, absolutely not." I said it, and Dan breathed in relieve. "I just need a moment right now. I know what I want. I just need to build sentences."

Dan laughed slightly, and no one would understand how beautiful he looked at that moment. His face was no longer so pale and thin, his skin was no longer pale. His smile was beautiful and his curls were better than ever. Suddenly I noticed every detail and he looked so different as he did a year ago.

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