Powder [phan]

XXXII

Phil's POV

The deep plates were filled with spaghetti and sauce on the table and a lighted candle flickered between us, creating an atmosphere that felt beautiful but also strange and unfamiliar.

I was usually not the type of person who valued such things like eating pasta garnished with green herbs, whose names I didn't even know, by candlelight and relaxed music. There had never been anything like that with Dan and me and I had never missed it. On the contrary, it would have been kind of weird.

"So why did you cook for me?" I asked, which was actually a much more appropriate response to all the fuss he was making.

He was always very attentive, but that he was overly and above all so clichédly romantic, I wouldn't actually have claimed. I turned the spaghetti on my spoon around the fork and led it to my mouth, whereupon I looked at him chewing and waited for his answer.

"Well, because you deserve it." he muttered, and I nearly choked.

I became suspicious.

Was this one of those I'll do something sweet so whatever I screwed up won't look so bad actions?

"I wanted to ask you something, too."

"What do you want to ask me?"

"Well, we've been together three months today and I know that's not really long, but-" He looked me in the eye and he grabbed my hand by the plate. What was that? Was he about to propose? After four months? I was still looking for the perfect moment to tell him that we weren't really right for each other. I wanted to take some more time in case things changed, but the longer I sat here, the more I wanted to get away.

"I wanted to ask you to move in with me." he interrupted my thoughts and took a deep breath without exhaling for the next few seconds.

"I mean, you're here most of the time anyway. Why pay so much rent when you could only pay half? Besides, it would probably be nice, I mean, a lot wouldn't change, but somehow it's a good feeling to know you're sharing something so important and there's either always someone there when you come home or at least they'll come home sometime during the day."

He talked and talked, and I didn't know what to think first. Pragmatically, he was right, but I didn't want that. I spent a lot of time at his apartment because ever since Dan came back, I've had a hard time being at our- no, my apartment. But I didn't want to leave that apartment either because I was emotionally attached to it. I was supposed to move out, but I never had the heart to.

John was so kind to me, did exactly what was good for me. Never would John let me down or betray me, I knew that for sure. He was too perfect.

And then the thought came into my head that I wanted to avoid so much.

Daniel.

I would be lying if I said that his appearance hadn't thrown me off track and the two months that had passed since then had calmed things down, but in moments like these, moments when things got serious, everything came back to the surface, which I tried to suppress rigorously.

The past with him, our first kiss, the first confession of love, Los Angeles. The nights when he almost went crazy from withdrawal and I held him. Those minutes to hours with him that had been just perfect. They had never been as flawless as every single day with John and yet they were what I thought perfect was. But unfortunately always overshadowed by everything that was playing against us.

There was no denying that I had never been happier than in those moments when, for a short time, there were no problems between Dan and me, and even though we had suffered so much, it was not without reason that I stayed with him until it was no longer possible.

He was the love of my life, corny as that sounded.

John wasn't, but he apparently didn't question it at all and I felt bad that I did. And I've been questioning it ever since we got together. Before that I had slept with some guys, but that was just to take my mind off everything else. But John wouldn't let go, so I got involved with him. In fact, I knew we were doomed from the start.

I wouldn't go running back to Dan right now, but still. I couldn't help but notice what I felt around Dan. It was like a premonition when he was near me. As if I would dive into a parallel world where Dan and I would try again and it was fucking nice there.

"Babe?" John brought me back and for a split second I imagined hearing Dan call me that.

"Sorry." I stammered before I shook my head, because I was cursing myself for my behavior. He simply deserved a better reaction. "I'm sorry." I apologized and I wanted to sink to the ground when I saw the disillusioned look on his face.

"Sorry for what? Don't you want to move in with me? Then please say it a bit more explicitly so that I understand it too." he demanded and smiled convulsively.

"I-" That was as far as I got, and I looked around in confusion.

"What's stopping you? Well, I mean, what's going on in your head that makes you think that's not a good idea?"

"I can't do this." I mumbled to myself quietly and for a moment I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

"Are you going too fast? It was just a suggestion, we don't have to do it right away. I just wanted to let you know the door will be open when you're ready."

Shit, can he stop being so fucking perfect? It's driving you crazy.

"I generally can't do this." I finally said it honestly. After that I kept quiet and waited for John to kill me, because we were both on completely different sides.

"It's him, isn't it?" he suddenly asked and my heart stopped. I looked at him in shock. There's no way he could have overheard anything. Or had someone told him what had happened between Dan and me?

"Who?"

"Your ex."

I took a deep breath of relief. He still didn't understand that Dan and my ex were the same person. Sometimes we talked about him for different reasons, but I never let him know that it was Dan. Which I'm sure was for the best.

"What makes you think so?"

"I see the look on your face when you talk about him, Phil. No matter how negative you say it, no matter how much he hurt you, you got that look in your eye and it says it all. Besides, you never let a conversation about him go out without making it clear that he is not such a bad person as it sometimes sounds. Why would you do that, defend him when he means nothing to you? You love him, you still do, and that's okay. I'm mature enough to live with the fact that I'm not the only one you care about. But he's not with you anymore, independently of me, it's over and you're gonna have to move on eventually. And that doesn't only mean to enter a new relationship, but also to internalize that the way back is not possible anymore. Look ahead, with or without me, but don't tell yourself you're only looking forward."

"Fuck you." I said it calmly, so calmly it seemed scary to myself and John looked at me in shock.

On one hand, he was right. I wasn't over Dan, and I couldn't make anybody believe that. I would never get over him. But he wasn't everything in my life. And he took it upon himself to say that I wouldn't even try to get over Dan. Like I needed someone to. You don't need anyone to deal with your own problems. Maybe a therapist, but that wasn't fucking John.

"Come again?" asked John, still shocked.

"You're partly right, okay? And I'm sorry you're not the one to help me get over my ex. I don't know what it is, if we don't fit or if it's too soon for me. I don't fucking know, John." I said, cursing myself for sounding so angry.

"I didn't mean no harm." he tried to save the situation.

"I know." I calmed down. "I'm sorry."

"So you're breaking up with me?"

"Yes." I replied with my eyes closed and only heard him exhale in disappointment. He stood up and I opened my eyes. "I'm leaving."

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hated john, deleted him, haha. or i just wanted to annoy you.