Powder [phan]

XI

WARNINGS: DRUG USE, MENTION OF SEX, ANGST, DEPRESSION

Dan's POV

I woke up on Santa Monica Beach in Los Angeles, USA. The sun rose at the other end of the horizon. I let my eyes wander over the beautiful but at the same time intimidating sea.

The waves rustled and everything around me was wrapped in a deep orange, which made this place seem even more breathtaking than it already was.

The first people were already at the pier to work, others had been with me all night.

It was only when I slowly rose from the sand that I noticed the stinging headache and the nausea that I was probably getting used to anyway.

In L.A. it was so much easier to get drugs, go to good parties, forget the consequences.

Meanwhile, it was no longer just cocaine. Exactly as it had been with Tyler back then. Just like him, I just took everything that was offered to me. Everything I could get.

My body already showed me after 10 days how much it resisted it, but I didn't care.

We had stayed in a hotel and had no financial problems so far, but they would come someday. If I still lived until then.

As I walked past the stalls near the Santa Monica Pier to head to our hotel, where Tyler was surely waiting for me with a sermon, my thoughts were all about Phil.

I couldn't stop thinking about what he said before I left.

He wanted to tell me that he loved me. I didn't want him to say it. I absolutely didn't know how to deal with it, so he should let it go, but know I knew it. Despite the knowledge that he loved me, needed me, I left. I hoped that he would get along with it and would eventually find someone worthy of him. Phil was a good guy, a good person.

Sometimes, however, I imagined what my life could be like if I hadn't left. When I imagined myself lying in Phil's arms again, it was a feeling that I have only been able to describe since I had been here on the beach in Los Angeles again.

It filled me with warmth, a warmth that felt so incredibly good, but on the other hand, I was constantly aware that I couldn't stay here forever.

The sun would go down and I had to leave the beach at some point.

It was exactly the same with Phil.

Even though there was nothing better for me than to be with him, knowing that he loved me, I couldn't be certain that I would ruin it with my addiction.

"Well, where did you sleep tonight? Did you do that at all? Or did you rather sleep with someone?" Tyler greeted me grumpily when I entered our hotel room.

"Shut up." I steered against it.

"Sorry for worrying about you, I guess." he replied after shutting his mouth for a few seconds and I had now walked past him into the room and started taking off my sandy clothes.

"I'll go take a shower now. It's been a long night." I announced.

"Daniel, please just tell me where you've been!" He stopped me before I could disappear into the bathroom with fresh clothes under my arm. I stopped with a sigh and gave in. He wouldn't let go after all and I really didn't feel like asking questions from him all day.

"Jesus Christ." I started. "I slept on the beach, okay?"

"At the beach? Why on the beach?" He kept boring.

"I don't know. I can't remember anything that happened last night. So I strongly assume that I was high as a fucking kite." I replied annoyed. When I tried to reconstruct yesterday evening, only blackness appeared in my head.