To Be So Lonely // Ben Solo

10

If there was one thing she knew for sure in the few seconds after Ben left her alone, it was that she was absolutely not going to use the Force to follow him. It seemed desperate. Weak. She was going to wait for him to pull that trick again, or wait for him to find her, if it meant proving he was true in his words. Cyra was not pressed to believe in him fully.

Instead, she grabbed her backpack from the X-Wing, then walked throughout the Rebel Base to acquaint herself with it. It was bigger than she needed. It was cold, desolate, but it was warmer than being outside or in a cave. There was a bay above her that allowed for a window into the outside, with old, webbed up consoles that hadn't been used in decades. There were ships in a hangar bay above the door. They were old, too. She had never seen their type before in her own hangar in her youth.

Cyra decided on staying in the control room. It provided a window to look out, it would be the warmest place in the Base, and it was small enough to be able to protect herself from intruders. She pulled the door closed behind her and carried a chair from across the room to prop against it. Tossing her bag on the console, Cyra fell backwards into a chair, and kicked her feet up. Although it wasn't the usual on-the-floor, legs crossed, hands on your knees type mediation, Cyra needed her mind to be quiet, and so she tilted her head back, and closed her eyes to think about the reality of her  situation.

Since the fateful day Luke and Leia denied Cyra to be trained as a Jedi, her place in the Force wavered. In the days Luke trained Ben and the Apprentices, there was no Dark Side rising. They had no worries about the children being trained being turned because Luke did teach them about the temptations of the Force. He taught them better than the Jedi of old, when it came to the Dark Side, and he told them to embrace the love in their lives, because that would be what saved them from the Dark.

How Cyra came to know all of Luke's lessons, of course, was in the letters Ben feverishly sent to her while in training. He made it his own mission to be relaying Luke's lessons to Cyra.

But it seemed Cyra could not escape choosing a side of the Force to live upon even after she tried to cut herself out of its reach. Although unspoken, Leia would have sent her with Rey to train with Luke. But that meant almost nothing. Not only was Rey was stronger than Cyra with the Force, but in the obvious fact that Luke also ran away from the life he knew, there left little hope that he would even agree to train another Jedi. Nor did Cyra want to become a Jedi. The legacy of the Jedi was failure. She would bring no honor to the religion. Beyond the Force living in her body, Cyra had nothing else to offer Leia.

Arguably, Cyra had nothing to offer Ben, either. They were connected, sure, their lives were intertwined, whatever that meant. In joining him, she would not fight against the Resistance, she would not kill innocents, she would never commit to the First Order propaganda. She offered nothing else besides a sense of comfort and familiarity for she and Ben.

She assumed Snoke would not agree to it, despite what Ben said. Snoke might trust him enough to not stay in his head consistently, but it did not mean he could not sense the feelings stirring inside Ben, like she had in their short time together. Cyra wondered if Ben was able to mask his hatred for Snoke. It was one of the more overwhelming feelings, when Cyra was inside his head.

"If you choose me, you choose me," he had said. "I'll figure everything else out."

She wondered if his arrogance was due to his growing strength. She had to assume there were lengths Ben was going to take to assure her placement with him was safe. What those lengths consisted of, she did not know. She didn't know if she wanted to inquire, but it was clear Ben had something in mind. He expected nothing of her. His want for her in his life was desperate, so much so that he was potentially going to betray his superior to ensure her. He would not do this for his mother, for Han, because in his mind, they betrayed him. Cyra ran from him due to fright and he never gave up the hope in his vision that Cyra would turn to the Dark Side.

So, she decided needed to play into his vision. She needed to forget all he became and focus on the feeling in his heart. Focusing her hope on the grief, the revenge, the confusion that she felt while in his mind, she was going to use his love for her to exploit it. Maybe Luke was right. Maybe love truly was the only way to turn one from the Dark. She just needed to convince herself she was a teenager again, madly in love with the boy next door, and ignorant to the world around her. Easy enough.

With a plan in mind, one she would have to practice hiding in the depths of her mind, Cyra opened her eyes. Slowly, the world around her came to reform. With this, she noticed a muffled ringing coming from her backpack. She scrambled to grab her com-link from her backpack.

"It's Cyra, what, what is it? Who's calling?" she asked hurriedly.

"Cyra, it's Rey," she said. A Wookie yell in the background announced that Chewbacca was also with her. "I got your line from Leia. The Resistance is in trouble, Cyra, and she said you're not with them, but she's asking for your help."

"Why are you calling me, then? I thought you were with Skywalker," said Cyra.

"I've left him. I saw something. Ben turning. I've seen his future. Just the shape of it, but solid, and clear. Luke told me about your relationship with him, Cyra, and if we go now, if we go together, we can save him. I know we can," said Rey.

Cyra sighed. It seemed her game of chicken was not going to pass. If Leia was in enough trouble to provide Rey with her contact information, it was serious. It was time to stop thinking Leia was going to survive if she continued not interfering when she clearly demonstrated a need for her assistance. She wouldn't have asked if it wasn't vital, not after she let her go so easily.

"I'll meet you there," she told Rey.

"What? Chewie and I can get you--"

"I can find him, trust me," said Cyra. "I'll see you soon. Fly safe."

She closed her Comlink. She took a seat on the floor, crossing her legs, and folding her hands tightly in her lap. Ben hadn't been in contact with her for a number of hours. She didn't need to try to emulate their Force connection. All she had to do was focus on speaking to him and she knew she would find him. He was open to her now through their minds.

Cyra, he acknowledged, and her eyes shut, trying to keep the connection.

"Ben--"

"You're close," he said, through his mouth. She heard him in her head. "I feel you. Where? I'll send a transport."

"I can use the X-Wing if you're that close. Just stay open to me. Tell your crew it's me. I'll be with you soon."

"Okay," he told her softly. "I'll be in the hangar waiting."

"I don't doubt it," she mumbled, and opened her eyes.

Cyra deeply sighed. She stood and collected her backpack, which she barely had time to unpack. She used the Force to slide the chair from blocking the door and hurried down the stairs to the opened hangar. She punched the button on the wall to open the hangar door, stopping it where it was only opened wide enough for her to exit.

She tossed her bag into the cockpit, after taking out the lightsaber and hooking it to her belt, climbed in, and was off into the galaxy again, only this time, she was chasing for a man it was time for her to run to and not from.