To Be So Lonely // Ben Solo

15

Soon after Ben left, a crew of mechanics came into her room to fix the wall he tore through. She distracted from the commotion by scrolling through the data-pad assigned to her. They were finished in a much short time than she would have thought, which prompted her to ask one of the men if this sort of thing happened often. In his hesitation, she found her answer.

So, Ben still remained a bit of a brat, it seemed. He was always feisty, arrogant, but it wasn't until she knew him as he was now that she saw true anger inside of him. Her words hurt him enough to ignite rage. She was trying to decide if she regretted what she said. Part of her did not. She was safe, that was true, but did it mean anything if he still chose to take over as the Supreme Leader and choose the First Order over his promise to her?

She worried if she made a choice too quickly in deciding to try to turn him. He showed her his heart in that elevator, all of his thoughts, his worries, his feelings. He was still tip-toeing the line between a full succumb and the chance of being saved. But in choosing to own the title of Supreme Leader, he took one step towards the Dark, while also trying to step towards the Light in Cyra's presence. She felt his shame when he told her of his new title. He was afraid of her reaction. He feared she would leave.

Cyra had no intent to leave. She was furious he was submitting to the ideals of the First Order once more, but as she was left with more time alone to think, it started to make some sort of sense. If he allowed someone else to control the First Order, it meant he would need to serve under a controlled leadership; with him leading, he would need not to worry about him or Cyra's relations because no one could dictate his actions. It started to become clear that he took the role to protect he and Cyra's relationship.

She started to realize he carefully chose his words to her. He intended to maintain the First Order where they were, not to continue spreading their reach. He implied no intention to track down the Resistance. Maybe it was his arrogance, in assuming they were too small to make a difference to their fleet, or maybe it was because he cared not of the Resistance anymore after facing Luke.

She wondered if Ben was thinking about Luke. She was sure, in the moment, he was too enthralled by seeing his former Master to accept his apology. It took Luke six years to admit his fault to the one person who deserved to hear it. They both could never return to the past and change their actions, but it was clear Luke tried to be sincere with his nephew, in what he knew were going to be his final moments.

So now there were a number of causal moments causing Ben's heart to waver. It was in his father, his mother, Cyra's return, Luke's apology. It seemed lately he could not escape his past.

Cyra didn't see Ben for the remainder of the time she was recovering. He didn't visit her. She was sure she was allowed to leave from the hospital wing, but with a bathroom in her residence and scheduled meals, she had no need. Instead, Cyra used her data-pad to read up on the galaxy history she missed in the last number of years and she listened to the music of old Bith musicians her father used to play when she was a child.

She practiced her physical therapy in both her leg and shoulder to regain the strength. She was regaining her strength in the Force by protecting her mind from Ben, although she was sure he had no inkling to see inside of it. She continued to practice lifting various objects throughout the room.

She regained even her mediation practice, if not to center herself in the Force once more, but to divulge in her memories. The maneuver pulled by the Resistance destroyed the Finalizer and with it, the backpack she carried for the last six years. Her lightsaber was now all she had left of the past, but even that wasn't truly hers.

In the quiet of the night, where she could be engulfed by the silence of her room, she tried to imagine the content of those letters. She tried to recall the scribbled handwriting of a boy who was writing quickly, trying to relay the information he learned to the eager girl who wanted to train from home. They were the letters of she and Ben, where he wrote every lesson he learned for her to practice and master. It was not fair, he kept telling her, that she was Force-sensitive and Luke denied her, when the other Padawan's were equally as powerful as Cyra.