To Be So Lonely // Ben Solo

26

With the suppression of Ben, Kylo was used to turning off his emotions, as he had done it successfully for six years. He felt like a robot as he returned to the ship, flew from Exegol, and back into the emptiness of space. He put the ship on autopilot and instantly, his eyes flew to where he tossed the discarded lightsaber. He stared at it, imagining her small, sleek fingers wrapped around it, and it took seconds for him to recognize tears filling his eyes. So maybe it wasn't as easy to suppress his emotions.

"What is wrong with you?" he snapped at himself, grabbing his knees. He wanted to hurt himself. Allowing himself to feel the pain hurt more than any physical pain could. His heart ached. He wanted to grab it, he wanted a hug, he wanted her hug.

He couldn't say why he switched on Cyra. He didn't know what happened in his mind. He saw those ships, those thousands of Star Destroyers, each equipped with planet killing devices, and everything he agreed on with Cyra had to be scrapped. Even if they did kill Palpatine, they wouldn't make it out alive, not with those ships working against them. They hadn't planned for a change in the scenario because they made the mistake of thinking it was going to be cut and dry... He should have known. He should have moved faster to enter her mind and beg her to stand down.

She could have told Palpatine they both planned to kill him, but she didn't. She called herself to take all of his wrath, because she was the outlier, the one they didn't plan for. Even after he let her down, she still saved him. He let her down. He promised to her they were going to kill him and he let her down. That was her last memory, her last feeling--betrayal by the man who told her he wanted to marry her.

Ben grabbed the lightsaber and threw it at the wall. He ignited his own lightsaber and slashed through the back of the ship, slashing, screaming, crying. She was gone. It was his fault. Luke and his mother, Cyra, Rey-- they were all right. She was gone and it was his fault.

But he could only allow himself to grieve for a few moments before something inside of him pushed him to console himself. If he allowed himself to feel more than a sliver of what came over him, she would never get justice. He had to push away his grief until it was over. Until the war was over, until Palpatine was dead. Ben knew that Palpatine would die, if it was the last thing he did, but he knew more than anything else that with Cyra gone, his time as Supreme Leader was over.

He had half a plan by the time he returned to the Finalizer. He needed his mask at once. Cyra's death reverted him back to a place of wanting to hide from the world, but hiding especially the thoughts on his face around the ship. He could not let anyone know of his plan and he could not trust his facial expressions to maintain objectiveness, not when he spent a year with her trying to remember how to smile again...

He ordered someone to engineer his mask back together, and he ordered another to gather the Knights of Ren, wherever they were. They hadn't been used on a mission in quite a few years, due to Ren's rise in power, but now, he wanted their aid to locate Rey. The faster he could get to her, the faster this would be over.

Ben returned to their corridor. He avoided their room and instead went into the chamber where the Vader helmet was located. He wanted to connect with his grandfather again, this time, as Ben. He hoped the presence of his grandfather would connect as Anakin and not Vader, show him guidance, support, when he needed it the most.

Instead, he found Rey. His eyes shot open when he felt her presence behind him. He turned, seeing the white chamber no more, but the familiar blurred surrounding around her. She looked comfortable now, in their connection. No longer scared, but annoyed by their continuous meeting.

Ben nodded at her as a subtle greeting. "Palpatine wants you dead."

She looked unimpressed. "Serving another master?"