MY Pregnancy

August 14th 2014: My heartbroken memory

Today was the day I turned 17 weeks pregnant. The day I had to do blood work, and the possible day I could find out if I was having a boy or a girl. Jay had gotten off of work just so he could take me to my doctors appointment. On the way to doctor Korenstein's office in wellington, Florida Jay and I seemed to be very excited. For some odd reason the past few days I haven't been feeling munchkin move inside of me. When we reached the building, my nerves were on full display. I wore a black dress, and jay had on black as well and it was raining that day.

Once we were signed in and seated, about a good 5 minutes later I was called to have my vitals checked. Jay was told to stay up front until I came to get him so we could go to a room. Dr. Kornstein came in and as usual was messing with Jay.

He said to me "What happened to the other man you brought here last time?" I laughed. And Jay smiled and said, "she brought another dude here, I hope he the daddy Cuz she gone get put out." We all laughed. Dr. Kornstein told me to lay back so he could use the Doppler to hear munchkins heartbeat. Once he placed the Doppler on my abdomen, and I didn't hear anything, I got very teary eyed.

"I Dont hear a heartbeat, Kia, so we're gonna take you to do a sonogram okay?" Dr. Kornstein said to me. I didn't look at him as he spoke, I could feel Jay staring at me. Once the Dr. And the nurse left so I could get ready to go do a aonogram, Jay says, "baby you crying and it probably isn't anything, just wait and let's see, OK?" I just nodded.

Once we were placed inside the ultrasound room, the tech told me to lay back and lift up my dress, so she can squirt the warm lubricant gel on my tummy to get started. As she was moving the tube on my beely jay and I stared at the monitor to see if we could see movement where the heartbeat should be. After about 10 minutes of being in the ultrasound room the tech left to get Dr. Kornstein, taking the pics with her. They all came back and Dr. Kornstein told me to take off my panties so he can check me. After he placed gloves on his hands and put his fingers inside me and placed one hand on my tummy, he told me to get dressed and come into his office; right then I knew something was wrong, I knew I had lost my child. Heading inside his office, I dreaded the long walk down the hallway. Once jay and I were seated, I looked anywhere but at my doctor and Jay.

"Kia, look at me please sweetheart." Dr. Kornstein said. I did as I was told. "I'm so sorry." And that's when I broke. Jay looked at me, with teary eyes but he didn't let them fall. My head was pounding, my heart was thrown out of my chest my stomach turned inside out, I felt like I had to throw up. Dr. kornstein told Jay to be very understanding towards me for the next few, months, because it was gonna be hard for me. He then handed jay a card told me to go to a clinic so they can remove my child. I knew something was wrong with what he said, but at that moment I didn't give a damn. I was angry at God, I was mad at my doctor, myself, my body, my health. I was mad at everyone and everything, but I wasn't mad at Jay for some reason. I was crying hysterically, as Dr. Kornstein grabbed me from falling and held me tight like I was gonna leave this earth. I wanted that to be Jay, but I understood, he couldn't understand it either. He was just watching my every movement.

Dr. Kornstein asked us to come back after the procedure for a follow up appointment. After we mad the appointment, I basically ran to the car, and cried my eyes out. Jay just watched me intently as I cried my eyes out I laid my seat back and buried my hands inside, of a towel I had to cover myself from the rain.

He then asked, "Baby you mad at me?" I shook my head no, and said was I sure, I nodded my head yes and he called my Nana as we pulled out of the parking lot. He told her what happened, and she wanted to speak to me. He said "Hey Mrs. Wright, I need you to speak to your granddaughter, because I Dont know what to tell her, we just found out she lost the baby." All I heard her say was WHAT. And after that I blacked out and cried even more. My head began hurting, and he handed me the phone. I could barely hear her over my crying. But I did hear her pray for me and asking God to give me strength and to not be upset if I was mad at him, she said she's just speaking out of a mothers broken heart. She then told me to go to my auntie buffs house to help get my mind off of things. After I hung up with her my mother called saying how sorry she was, and how hurt she knew I was, and told me she loved me. I called my dad and told him the news and he told me to stop crying, because we can try again. Jay called his boss and told him what happened and that he wouldn't be in for the next few days, and Patrick understood, so he shared his sympathy, and his condolences. Once we pulled up at my aunts house, I broke down some more, my heart couldn't take it, Jay grabbed me by my waist and held me tight as I cried, into his shirt. I punched him and pushed him trying to get him to feel the pain I was feeling, and not once did he let me go. Instead he said in a very shaky voice "its okay baby I'm hurt too, but I'm here for you Dont push me away, and Dont be mad at God he knows what he's doing." Right then I felt my body go limp and weak and he picked me up bridal style as I cried more into the crook of his neck as he walked up to my aunts door. My uncle Dre said, "damn man, I'm really sorry for y'all." My cousins came in asking jay what was wrong, and uncle Dre told them I was hurting right now. Jay sat down with me in his lap, and it took me at least, 20 more minutes to calm down. Then my aunt came inside....
TO BE CONTINUED......