MY Pregnancy

August 14, 2014 (continued)

My aunt came inside, and came to me as I was sitting on the couch, she looked happy in a way. My uncle was on the long couch, watching T.V.

"Aw key, im so sorry." She said, as she's hugged me and sat next to me on the couch. We all just sat there in Silence e for awhile. One of her daughters came in the house and she saw me and just gave me a hug.

"Kia are you ok you look like somethings wrong." Dre'Janah asked, she the second oldest of the three. My other two cousins came in and my aunt just told them to give me a hug.

"Imma be right back baby you gone stay here or come with me?" Jay asked. Of course I wanted to go with him but my legs wouldnt move, my body was so weak, all the crying has taken away all of my energy. I just shook my head no. Once he left my aunt stood up and looked me dead in my face, and with a smile she said,

"You know everything happens for a reason." Her words hurt, me to my soul. I mean I know she was referring to Jay because no one wants me to be with him. I just looked at her with a blank face, and she walked away.

"Is the baby still inside you?" My uncle Dre asked.

"Yea, my doctor told me to go to this clinic to remove it, because they arent allowed too, after so many weeks in the pregnancy." I told him.

"Thats not true they supposed to admit you into the hospital, not just send you home." My aunt told me. I knew something wasnt right. And to be completely honest, I liked my doctor, but something kept telling me its his fault my child didn't make it. I know its not true, because that's Gods plan but I just wanted to blame someone else other then God. I've been blaming him all day, and I know I shouldn't. I am so angry with him, my heart is destroyed, I dont wanna go on.

I felt myself getting teary eyed so I had to go to the bathroom. I broke down, I felt myself going weak my body going limp, my crying gave me a headache, I fell to the ground and balled up in a ball and just laid there, and cried. My eyes were producing tears, more then I ever thought I could produce. I felt like every breath in my body had left my soul, I couldnt move.

"Key you ok?" Dyemenn asked the oldest, child of my aunt buffys. I couldnt answer her, I couldnt move. She knocked a few times, and then the door opened. Arms wrapped around me, Jay just sat down with me and held me. We stayed like this for atlest 20 minutes. When I calmed down just a tad bit he picked me up bridal style, and carried me back to the living room.

"Imma just take her home, I dont think shes in the right state of mind to be around anyone right now. Ill make sure she calls you all." Jay told my aunt and uncle. I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck, and buried my face in his neck. I cried more.

"Its gonna be ok Ki tame your time. We love you." My aunt said and with that we left. Jay placed me in the car, and got in himself. No music played the only noise was my sniffing and hyperventilating.

"Baby you gonna make yourself sick please, calm down." Jay begged. I just turned my head towards the window, and watched as the clouds up above started getting gray, rain came down harder then it had before.

Once we reached the house, I was able to lift myself up and walk on my own. Once we were inside it was like 10:45 p.m. I gathered my things to go and take a shower. I grabbed my phone and played Daughtry "gone too soon", and Selah's "I will carry you" and some song called "hug him once for me". I cant remember the artist. I stood in the shower and cried my heart out, my hands rubbing my now visible bump. As soon as I really start to show, is when I had to lose my first child. Jay was in the bed with the light and T.V. off. It hurt me, so much that he hasnt shown any type of emotion. He lost a child just like I had, and not once did he shed a tear. When I got dressed, he told me Teetot told me to come talk to her. I honestly didnt want too, I really just wanted to get in the bed and curl up next to Jay Nd cry some more. After debating in my head I just went and talked to her. Her main words were "I'm really sorry", "I thought it was gonna be me, since I didnt want this baby at all" ,"I really hope you feel better soon" ,"dont be Angry at God", "its gonna be okay" ,"it happened for a reason." I only responded with yea everytime she said something I couldnt talk, I didnt want to talk, and after a few more minutes, I went back in the room. I laid down and curled up. Jay rubbed my back, andi felt more tears being produced, so I buried my face in the pillow.  That night I didnt sleep at all. I prayed hard and strong for my child to come back to me, I prayed for a heartbeat. Jay slept that whole night, But I couldnt. I was so dead inside. I didnt even en wanna get up to go to the restroom. Once I did, I cried .ore on the toilet, I finished pissing over thirty minutes ago, but I couldnt stop crying ling enough to get up.

Once I did and washed my hands, and headed back to bed, I felt myself drifting to sleep, so I allowed my body to do just that.

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So I decided tojust get it over with the next and probably final update will be January 22nd, I chose this date because it wouldve been my childs due date.

And just so you a know I lost this baby also, I lost her/him in december actually. So now ive decided to not put mysf through it anymore. Im on depo, and I will be until im emotionally, and mentally ready to try again.

Until next time.