Let Me Go

Cover

a/n: I'm living for the comments! 😂 y'all have me weak!

*Billie's POV*

I told Hayden that I love her. It just...slipped out. I didn't mean to say it, but I also didn't 'not' mean it when I said it. My brain has been going a thousand mile an hour since I dropped the L word and I'm freaking out. I'm scared I'll break her heart or worse, that she'll break mine. She's worth it though.

We got back to my house awhile ago and right now I'm laying on the couch while she's at the opposite end with her legs tangled in mine, drawing in her sketchbook. She looks so cute when she's focused. My thoughts are interrupted by my phone dinging. I check it and reply.

Bitch ass ex best friend
-I'm sorry. Can we talk?-

B
-fuck you. Come near me or my girl again and see what happens bitch-

BAEBF
-I really really am sorry Billie. I don't know what I was thinking, but I do know I want to make it up to you.-

I miss my best friend. I miss being able to tell her everything. I miss out pointless conversations about goofy ass shit. I miss Zoe.

B
-I'm listening...-

BAEBF
-meet me at the swings-

The swings at the park down the road was our favorite place to go as kids. We would try and see who could swing the highest. One time, me being the clumsy ass that I am, decided it was smart to let go. I ended up breaking my fucking ankle when I landed. I smile at the memory.

B
-be there in 5-

I nudge Hayden's leg, "Hey I'm going out for a bit I'll be back soon" "Last time you said that you cheated," she glares at me. My heart sinking knowing what I had done was still hurting her. "No funny business, I promise baby," I vow. She taps her cheek and I take the hint and crawl over her and kiss her cheek. She scrunches her nose and giggles.

I slip on my shoes and make my way to the park. Zoe already there sitting on the swings. "Hey..." we both sat at the same time resulting in us both letting out a laugh. I've missed this. I sit in the swing next to her and look over waiting for her to speak. "I'm sorry that what I did hurt you..." she starts, "but I'm not sorry that I did it, and I'm not sorry about the way that I feel about you." she confesses. No. This can't be happening. "I don't know why it took me so long to realize that I'm in love with you Billie." I open my mouth and before I can say no to this whole situation, without thinking I automatically say, "I love you too." It's a conditioned response. I know it is because we've said it to each other for as long as we've known each other. But this time it means something different to her and I've just fed into her feelings. I don't want to lose my best friend by hurting her, nor do I want to lead her on and hurt Hayden in the process. So I say the best thing I can think of on such short notice.

"Hayden can't know."

I regret what I've said the moment it leaves my lips. I hate Zoe for putting me in this position, but it's means that I don't lose my best friend. She nods in agreement, leaning towards me. She wants me to kiss her. So I do. I kiss her roughly biting her lip as I pull away and she moans lightly. Fuck that sounds so cute. "Look... I'm glad we talked. But I've gotta run and grab some things before I head back home," I state before walking to the corner store down the street. I need to pick up some stuff so I can cover up where I was at without sounding sus.

I return home with a bag full of snacks to see Hayden asleep on the couch. She looks so precious. I slip behind her and pull a blanket up over us. I don't deserve her. She's given me everything without me having to ask for it, and I've given nothing in return. I broke her trust and she stayed. I broke her heart and she said she loves me. She gives me a second chance and I fuck it up. She gives me hope but a broken part of me that says I don't deserve it, rejects it. It's right. I don't deserve someone so selfless.

Hayden stirs in her sleep, waking up with a worried look on her face. She turns to face me, cupping my cheek wiping away tears that I didn't realize had fallen, "Hey, whats wrong baby?" she whispers. I force a smile, "You're just so fucking adorable and I don't deserve you." I explain, leaving out the minor detail that I agreed for my best friend to be my side chick. "Aww," she coos and then kisses me as if her life depended on it. "I'm gonna go take a shower," I say as I get up. I look back to see her snuggling into the warmth of the couch and smile. I feel disgusting. I need a change. I go upstairs and rummage through the bathroom cabinet. I find the box of black hair dye I was looking for. This will match my soul perfectly. It's an empty void because I'm a horrible human being. As I work the dye through my hair covering up the blue, thoughts invade. You know, the ones that are haunting and creep out from the shadows within.

You're worthless.

Nothing you do will ever be good enough.

You know she's better off without you.

Without you.

Without.

You.

It takes all the restraint I have within me not to punch the mirror. I look into it and the reflection I see staring back at me is unrecognizable. Eyes dark. Pale skin. My eyebrow twitches. I want out. I take a breath and try to relax, stepping into the shower. I rinse the dye out watching the blackness go down the drain. I let the hot water hit my skin before scrubbing my skin until it's almost raw. Why isn't this feeling washing away?

a/n: I kinda wanna throat punch Zoe.