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i sat in my morning math class with my head on my desk as i tried to imagine that man in my dream. he seemed so familiar but i was sure i'd never seen him before. "miss valkit?" my teacher called. i raised my head and hummed to ease her mind. everyone is always so worried about me dying that i'm not sure i'm even scared of it anymore.
throughout this week i didn't really talk with tate. it was dreadful and i felt even worse for being the one to avoid him. he means a lot to me... in fact he's the only person i ever think about other than that other guy in my dreams. he's been in every single dream i've had since then but he often doesn't say anything.
i was brought away from my day dream when somebody knocked on my door. i opened it with tired eyes and shaking hands. i haven't slept much due to the strange man in my dreams. "hello mrs. langdon." i greet the woman. she sighed and blew her cigarette smoke into the air behind her. "can i help you with anything?"
"we're going shopping for your dress, honey. let's go." i didn't have much of a choice but to agree. i got inside of her car and loaded my oxygen tank into the front seat with me. "tate tells me you have CF."
"i do, yes." we didn't talk much. constance would say something and i'd respond shortly.
"i'm paying for your dress, honey. pick whatever you'd like. no matter the cost. oh and whatever color you shall pick, we have to get tate a matching tie." i nod and began to pick through the dresses. i remembered tate saying his favorite color was red so i decided to look through that color category first. "his favorite color." constance smiled and ran her fingers along the dresses. i picked out a short dress that had little roses sewed into the bottom and top of the dress. it had poofy sleeves and the skirt was slightly flared.
"do you think he'll like it?" i ask and pretended like i was wearing it. his mom smiled from ear to ear and nodded.
"he'll love it, darling." we picked out his tie to match my dress. i've never seen his mother so happy even though she was spending money on something totally meaningless to her. "when you announced the two of you were going together i just knew i had to take you to find your dress."
"i was nervous. you didn't seem to thrilled about it at first." i confessed and saw her face go straight. "sorry i mentioned it, mrs. langdon."
"no, no. it's fine. i just wished i never got with that man." she turned to me and kept her cigarette out the window. "he's a hell of a man. drives me insane each day. i'm glad he's out working on that damn theater shit." i giggled and looked out the window. to get away from her smoke.
"he seems like a nice man."
"too nice if you ask me. nothing ever bothers that man. his own family burning alive didn't even change the man. it's a pity." she pulled up to my house and dropped me off. inside awaited my mom and father at the dinner table.
"i was afraid you died," i say to my father as i grab a plate from the cabinet. he gave me a confused look as he poured himself a glass of wine. "you haven't been home in days, father."
"i have made vowes, adeline."
"and you also made a family." my eyebrows furrowed as i sat at the table. mother slapped my wrist and warned me to stop. "but you're right, the church is far more important."
"my purpose in life is to serve the church. i've told you this before my child." mother drank her wine like there was no tomorrow but didn't pour another glass.
"i'm dying." i coughed as i lifted my fork. "i'll be dead in a matter of 5-7 years and yet you still value the church more than me?" i coughed again and fell into a spell. "i'm fine." i say and push my mother away from me. "i'm fine..." i sighed and stood from the table. "i'm not hungry anymore. excuse me." i left up to my room. praying almost seemed too ironic for the time being but still i prayed for forgiveness and hope.
i dreamt again last night but it wasn't of that same man. it was of tate. he sat on my bed and hummed along to the song creep as it played in the background. his hands were holding his head as he rocked back and forth. "tate?" i reached for his shoulder but he didn't move after i placed my hand on him. he turned toward me as tears slipped down his rosy cheeks and his brown eyes became clogged with water. "what's wrong?" i asked and pulled him close to me. he didn't say a word, he just wept and laid next to me in my bed. i fell asleep after he did as well.
i woke up that morning to find that wasn't a dream. tate laid next to me with his face stained with the tears he cried last night. i caressed his cheek as he slept and just laid there with him until he finally woke up. i had thoughts asking me how he got into my house but i pushed them away. "hey," i smiled and pushed his hair out from his face.
"hi." he smiled back and looked around my room. "i'm so sorry," his voice cracked as he apologized for something unknown. my hand reached from under the blanket and rested on his chest in a sign of comfort. "i didn't know where else to go."
"what happened?" just from lying here and seeing him so hysterical made my eyes begin to water. tate had something about him that triggered my emotions to become overwhelmingly sensitive.
"don't cry," he began to panic and turned onto his stomach so he could have a better view of my face. "don't cry," he repeated. i laughed lightly and tried to stifle my tears. "i'm scared. i'm scared of myself... the things i'm capable of." he sat up fully and so did i. "are you scared of me?" i pulled him into my arms and hugged him as he continued to cry softly.
"i'll never be afraid of you, tate. if you ever need anything i'm here, okay? always." we sat there embracing each other for a moment before the sudden sound of my front door slamming open alarmed us.
