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TATE
i bit my nail as i sat in my room alone. tears slipped down my cheeks but i didn't mind. i couldn't feel anything. i didn't want it to stop. adele hasn't spoken to be in days and before i was attacked by nothingness i was beginning to worry. today is her birthday and i still haven't heard a word from her. maybe she finally saw that dark part of me everyone else sees. that part that feels nothing.
the last time i saw her was the day after christmas. she woke up and laid beside me until i woke up. she said something to me but i wasn't listening, i couldn't. my mind was being possessed by the thought that she didn't want to be mine anymore. that wasn't it though. the way she looked at me when i didn't respond sent me off. "don't look at me like that," i scoffed and sat up. she didn't understand what had gotten into me and if i were her i wouldn't blame her.
"what's wrong with you?" she asked and began to pack her things up.
"with me? i'm not the one who spat on a girl and called her a skank." there was worse things we said to each other that morning. adele slapped me across the face for the first time that day and it finally set me straight. i got on my knees and begged her to stay but she wouldn't. not after what i said.
"tate," constance shouted down from the bottom of the stairs. i came out with a straight face that was stained with tears after i thought about what i had done. adele stood by the door by herself with tired eyes and shaking hands.
i ran to her and held her in my arms until tears slipped down my cheeks again, replacing my old dried ones. "i was so scared..." i admitted. she held onto me and cried with me, her body lightly shaking as she cried. "i'm so sorry." my hands pulled away from her and i grabbed onto the side of her face with care.
i didn't know how much she really meant to me until now... until i saw the tears i caused her to cry. she kissed me softly and continued to cry. "i love you." i took her to my room and let her get comfortable under my blankets. "i'll always be here for you if that's what you want," i say and held her hand underneath the black covers.
"i do." she nodded as i rubbed my thumb over her hand. "what happened to us?" she asked and shifted her body to face me. "that night-" she began to cough and cough until she almost couldn't breathe. "i'm okay," she sighed and sat up. "i'm okay."
i panicked every time she coughed... it made me think our moments together were short. "something in my head snapped. i really don't know." she stayed silent and stared down to me with broken eyes. "but-but i would never say anything like i did that night and mean it be-because i care about your feelings more than mine." i began to cry again only for her to wipe my tears away with her dainty fingers. "i love you adele. i would never want to hurt you."
"i love you too tate. i know you wouldn't... wouldn't say that all and mean it. i'm sorry i slapped you-"
"no i deserved it." she smiled down to me and shook her head. "i did. i shouldn't have said any of that." she leaned down and kissed me for a quick second. "will you stay with me tonight... i need you." adele nodded and rested her head on my chest as we laid on my bed. "happy birthday sunshine." she wore a yellow dress and it reminded me of the one thing i haven't seen in days.
"thank you," she sighed and began to fall asleep. will you kiss me?" she looked up to me and i smiled back down to her. i leaned down and kissed her lips. she put her hand on my face softly and didn't try to end our connection. i got up onto my hands and held myself up over her. her hands roamed my torso and chills cascaded down my spine just thinking of her skin against mine. she pulled at my shirt and began to slowly pull it up. i stopped her and pulled away with hesitation.
"can we stop?" i ask her with a shaking breath. she nodded as i fell back beside her. "i-i can't right now..." she placed her hand on my chest and kissed my cheek.
"that's okay. i don't think it's a good idea anyway... because i'm dying." we held each other through the night. i woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of her gasping for air. her cord had somehow fallen out and she was choking on the lack of air and saliva. i quickly sat her up and grabbed at her cord, putting it back in and watching as she slowly calmed down. "i-i thought i was going to die... i..." she cried hysterically and crumpled into a little ball.
"you're okay," i reminded her and rubbed her back. "you're okay." we fell back asleep after our small incident and when we woke back up constance was standing in the middle of my room with her cigarette lit. "what're you doing in here?"
"happy new year," she sighed and let a tear slip down her cheek. my mind was blank from the lack of ideas i had. why the hell was she in my room crying? "your brother, beauregard, passed away in his sleep last night."
"no-no..." i never truly went and talked with him but occasionally i'd go up to give him his food and i'd tell him a couple things that happened in my life because all he really could do was listen...
"don't be sad my boy, you're brother's in a better place. he suffered with every breath he took..." my mom walked closer to me and placed her hand on my shoulder and gave me a small hug.
"i want to be alone. leave." i knew i wasn't alone since adele was behind me, but i didn't want my mom here. she left and slammed the door behind herself.
"i didn't know you had a brother," she says and hugs me from behind. "i'm so sorry tate."
