The Ghost Of You

Could I? Should I?

Y/N POV

Misery. All I feel is misery.

It's been two days since we got the letter. I've barely moved from my bed since then, I've slept maybe two out of the last forty-eight hours, and I've only eaten because Lindsey forced me to.

They're shipping his body home tomorrow. The funeral will be next week. They're letting the boys come home for it, so at least that's something.

No. It's not. Call me selfish, but seeing them come home to their wives while I wait for a man who is never coming home is going to crush me.

Bandit and Rowan have been with Jamia while Lindsey and I discussed how to break it to them. That, and I can't stand the thought of Rowan seeing me this way. I know I need to pull myself together for her and for the baby, but I just can't seem to do it.

"Y/N, Jamia and the girls are downstairs. I think it's time we talk to them." Lindsey said from my doorway. I wiped the tears off of my face and stood up for the first time in hours.

"Let's go." I whispered. I slowly made my way down the stairs, delaying this as long as possible. But it was inevitable.

"Mommy!"

"Auntie Y/N!" Bandit and Rowan yelled simultaneously. I kneeled down as the two ran into my arms.

"Mommy, why are you crying?" My daughter asked me. I felt my lip quiver uncontrollably. I don't know if I can do this.

"Come over here girls. Sit on the couch." I ushered them towards the living room. As the two sat, I kneeled in front of them while Lindsey and Jamia stood behind me. I felt Lindsey's hand rest on my shoulder.

"Rowan, Bandit, as you know your daddies have been away for a while. N-" I was cut off by Rowan.

"Is daddy coming home?!" She squealed excitedly. My heart dropped and tears filled my eyes.

"Please don't interrupt me, baby. Now, I know this is going to be hard for you, it's hard for me too, but Ro," I paused, taking a deep breath, "Daddy isn't coming home this time."

"What do you mean, mommy? Is he staying longer?" She asked, not quite grasping what I was saying. I looked up to Lindsey, silently asking for help.

"What your mom is trying to say is, well, your daddy got hurt. Really badly hurt." Lindsey chimed in.

"So make him go to the doctor!" She yelled out. I could tell she was starting to get frustrated, as was I.

"Your father is dead, Rowan! He's dead. He's gone. He isn't coming back." I finally said, tears streaming down my face as I did. I didn't mean to burst like that, I really didn't. "Baby, I'm sorry." Rowan and Bandit both started crying, as did we.

As I was sobbing into my hands, I felt two pairs of small arms wrap around me. Both girls cried into my shoulders.

"It's going to be okay, Auntie Y/N. Uncle Mikey visits me in my sleep, maybe he'll visit you too!" Bandit whispered through her sniffles. She slowly backed away and ran over to her mother.

"I w-want d-dadd-dy." Rowan sobbed. She's never cried this hard, neither have I.

"I know, baby, I want him too." I cried. I picked her up and sat down on the couch. She was wrapped around me like my own little monkey. We cried for what felt like hours, maybe it was. Time seemed to run together lately.

"I-I have to get back to the kids. I'll be back over as soon as possible, okay?" Jamia said as she ran her fingers through my hair. I nodded at her and smiled as best as I could.

I heard the door gently open and close as I rubbed my daughter's back. Her sobs have silenced, though I could still feel her body quaking.

"We have to stay strong, baby girl. Daddy would want us to be strong." I whispered into her hair. I felt her nod slightly as she continued to cling to me.

After about fifteen minutes, Rowan had fallen asleep. I laid her down on the couch gently and covered her with an old blanket Mikey's mom had made.

"Ow, shit!" I whisper-yelled. The baby was kicking again, but it was kicking really hard right now.

"Are you okay?" Lindsey asked in a panicked manner.

"Yeah, the baby is just kicking really hard right now." I mumbled.

"Can I feel?" Bandit excitedly asked. I nodded and placed her hands on my stomach. She began to giggle as she felt the kicking. "Hi, baby! I'm your cousin, Bandit! We're gonna have lots of fun when you're older."

In all of the darkness that was my life right now, these children were my only source of light.