The Ghost Of You

Never Coming Home, Never Coming Home Could I? Should I?

Mikey POV

Every second of every day, I felt guilty. Y/N wasn't herself anymore, neither was Gerard. Rowan's spark had died and Lindsey was exhausted from taking care of everyone. This is my fault. Their pain and exhaustion, it's my fault. If I would've just stayed where I was, like Gerard said, I would still be here.

I watch them constantly. It makes things worse for me, but at the same time, it's nice knowing that they're okay. I mean, they're coping, but they're alive.

Y/N's pregnancy is nearing its end, and I won't be there to help her through it. I won't be there to meet them. I won't be there to raise them. They'll never know who I am, or who I was, I suppose. I've heard them talk about it, how it's twins. How will she care for three children on her own? I mean, she isn't completely alone, I guess. She has Gerard and Lindsey with her.

"You know this isn't helping you or them, right?" I heard my grandmother whisper from behind me, startling me out of my thoughts.

"I know, but I can't help it. I need to be there with them, with her. Our children." I sniffled.

"I know you want to be, I know you feel that way, but you can't right now," she paused, "We need to prepare."

"Prepare? Prepare for what?" I questioned.

"I can't tell you that, but you will find out soon." Her words both confused me, and terrified me. 

Y/N POV

Days kept passing, but the pain never subsided. Some would say the hormones had amplified all feelings, but I know for a fact that I would feel this way whether I was pregnant or not. He was the love of my life, my reason for existing. 

Acting like everything is okay may be the hardest part of this. I have to stay strong in front of our daughter and I try to stay strong in front of everyone else, but no matter what I do, he is always on my mind. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, I am always thinking of him.

Like right now, brushing my teeth, and all I can think about is our morning routine. Wake up, smile at each other for ten minutes, brush our teeth, shower, make breakfast, and do whatever we had to do that day. 

My morning routine hasn't been that way since he left, and it's gotten even worse since he died. I sleep two or three hours a night, then get up around three or four in the morning. I either lay in bed and cry, go downstairs and cry, or attempt to take a shower and cry in there. Lindsey makes breakfast most mornings now, which makes me feel awful. She says she understands, but I know how tired she is.

So today, I am going to try my hardest to keep it together and let her rest.

"What are you doing?" I heard Gerard ask as he walked into the room.

"Making breakfast. Lindsey deserves a break and I need to start facing reality." I sighed as I poured the fresh coffee in a mug for him. 

"Thank you," he smiled as I handed him the mug, "but you know, it's okay to not be okay. We understand."

"I know that, but she's been doing nearly everything around here lately so I'm going to change that." As I spoke, I heard small footsteps come down the stairs. "Hey, Ro."

"Hi, mommy!" She exclaimed, running towards me.

"How'd you sleep?" I asked while picking her up, which was hard to do now that my stomach was the size of two basketballs put together.

"Good! I dreamt of daddy though, he said he misses us." She frowned. I told myself I was going to keep it together today, so I just kissed her on the head and ended it at that.

"Why don't you go wake Aunt Lindsey up?" She nodded in agreement, so I put her down, then watched as she ran out of the room.

"I'm sure Lindsey is going to appreciate this." Gerard spoke softly. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Lindsey gasped as she walked into the room, shocked that I had everything cooked and set up already.

"Giving you a break. You need it." I grinned. "Is Bandit up?"

"Speak of the devil." Gerard giggled as she wandered into the room.

"Alright, good, lets eat!" I prepared Rowan's plate for her first, then got my own. It was nothing special due to the scarcity of most foods at the moment, but it was still nice.

"I think we should go to the park today." I spoke up, which got the girls' attention.

"That sounds nice! It'd be nice to get out of here for a little bit." Lindsey agreed.

After we finished eating, I cleaned up the kitchen while the others got dressed and prepared for the day. The kids loved the playground there, and getting some fresh air wouldn't hurt.

The five of us piled into the car and ventured a few blocks down the road. The girls ran to the playground as soon as they were able to get out of the car, which made us three adults laugh. Gerard sat and watched them while Lindsey and I walked a little.

"So how are you feeling today?" She asked cautiously.

"Honestly, better than I was. It still hurts like hell, but I really need to accept what happened and get back to daily life." I sighed. "Is that wrong of me?"

"That's nowhere near wrong! Y/N, you have been unable to function since the funeral. Getting out of the house is a big step for you." She smiled.

"It feels wrong to feel okay th-" 

"Mommy! Come here!" I heard Rowan yell. Lindsey and I both chuckled and walked over to see the girls swinging, with Gerard's help, of course. "Look at me!"

"That's awesome, Ro!" I grinned. She stopped herself, then came over to hug me. "Thanks, honey."

Everything was a blur from there. Rowan fell backwards when she let go of me. Me, being the mother I am, bent over to pick up my child. After that was nothing but excruciating pain radiating throughout my entire body.

"Y/N!" I heard Lindsey and Gerard scream as I crash-landed on the rough ground below me.

"Y/N, we're gonna get you to a hospital, okay? Can you hear me? Stay with us, Y/N." Lindsey said frantically as Gerard got the kids in the car. "Gee, hurry!"

I didn't know what was happening or why I was in pain. One minute I was being carried to the car by Gerard and Lindsey, then everything went black.