The Ghost Of You

And All The Smiles That Are Ever Gonna Haunt Me

A/N

This is kind of short and probably shitty but it has me crying because I'm really emotional right now for some reason so yeah, here ya go.

Gerard POV

Mikey, No! Stay there!

Mikey, stop! Mikey!

Mikey! Mikey, no! Mikey! Mikey..

I bolted up, waking from the recurring dream.  Every night since I witnessed his death, I relive it in my dreams. Lindsey would wake up with me at first, being startled out of her sleep. Now, I suppose, her mind and body is used to it.

It was four in the morning, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep soon, so I decided to get up. I tiptoed through the hallway, trying my hardest not to wake up Y/N or the kids, only to find Y/N sobbing on the couch once I reached the bottom of the stairs. 

"Y/N?" I whispered.

"Oh, um, hi. Sorry if I, if I woke you." She wiped her tears away as she talked.

"No, you didn't, it's okay!" I walked over and sat down beside her, handing her the box of tissues I grabbed. "Nightmares?"

"Yeah. You?" She took a tissue from the box and wiped her face.

"Same." I sighed.

"I miss him, Gerard. I really really miss him." She began sobbing again, so I gently pulled her into my arms and cried along with her.

"I miss him too." I whispered.

"He comes to me in my dreams almost every night, but it's not the same. I want him here with me. I want him cuddling with Ro and I at night when she has bad dreams. I want to wake up next to him every morning and go to sleep next to him every night." She cried. "I can't handle this pain."

"I know exactly how you feel, trust me." I began to cry as well. "I tried stopping him, I really did. I don't know if he didn't hear me or if he just didn't listen but I tried so hard-"

"I know. I know you did. It's not your fault." She reassured me as I began to sob. 

I know it isn't my fault, but I feel like I could have stopped it. I could've stopped it and he would've been able to come home to his wife and daughter, to live with his growing family. But I couldn't stop it from happening. What kind of older brother am I?

"I feel like I could've somehow prevented it though." I spoke softly between sobs. She let go and looked up at me with a serious expression.

"Nothing you could've done would have stopped it, Gerard. If anything, it would have killed you as well. This family would not have been able to survive losing both of you. Please don't beat yourself up over this, because although we are all in pain, we are so grateful that we still have you and the others. We'll get through this, okay?" I nodded, feeling bad for upsetting her.

"I'm sorry. I should be helping you through this, not the other way around." I sighed, wiping the tears away.

"No, don't say that and don't be sorry. You lost him too." She whispered.

We talked until the sun came up. Neither of us got any sleep, so we knew today would be absolute hell, just like every other day since he died. I constantly wonder to myself if it would always be like this, or if we'll all heal eventually. Will Y/N move on one day? Will my nightmares end? Will the pain ever subside?

I feel like the answer to all of these are a big fat no.