The Ghost Of You

And All The Smiles That Are Ever Ever...

Y/N POV

The boys arrived home today. I didn't meet them at the airport, I couldn't do it. Rowan went with the others to see her Uncle Gee, but I stayed home.

I know that Mikey is here with me, he's proven that, but it's not the same. I only see him in my dreams. I can only hug and kiss him in my dreams. There are only so many hours in a day that a widowed mother can sleep. I'd sleep forever if I could, just to be with him, but I can't.

"Mikey, I don't know if you're here right now, but the boys are coming home today. I'd be there, but I can't stand the thought of waiting for you when you aren't there," I paused, wiping the tears away, "I know they'll all be a wreck as well. I'll try my hardest to be strong for them. I don't know how seeing as I'm barely holding it together, but I'll try."

I could seriously be speaking to nothing right now. Even if I was, it felt relieving to even speak at all. I knew no one would believe me if I told them about what's going on, so I had to do this while I could. While I was alone.

I continued talking. I talked about the pregnancy, about Rowan and Bandit. I talked about anything, really. Then the front door opened, letting a large group of people enter. My daughter ran up to me first. I scooped her up and kissed her lightly on the nose, then turned to the others. They all looked at me with pity. I didn't want their pity, I want my husband.

I took a deep breath as I put my daughter down, then quickly walked over to Gerard, who was already crying. I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried with my brother-in-law. He was the only one who could truly feel the exact same pain as me.

After a few minutes of hugging and crying, I backed away and hugged Frank and Ray as well.

"How far along?" Frank asked, glancing at my belly.

"Seven and a half, almost eight, I think. Time has kind of been a blur lately. Nevertheless, I have a strong feeling that they'll be here early." I replied with a sad smile on my face.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with quiet conversations. The children, all six of them, quietly played upstairs. They knew just as well as we did that this was a time to grieve, not to fool around.

Lindsey began helping me with dinner, since we were cooking for thirteen. I had to stop a few times while preparing it due to dizziness. No matter how hard Lindsey tried, I wouldn't stop. I needed the distraction.

"Y/N, you look really pale, please go sit. If not for me, then the baby." She begged. I finally gave in and let her guide me to the couch. I curled up in a ball and stared off into space for what felt like hours. That was until the baby started kicking again, bringing me out of my trance.

"Ow." I quietly groaned, which attracted Gerard's attention. He made his way towards me and sat right beside me. "Hey." I whispered.

"Kicking?" He asked, to which I replied with a simple nod. "Can I feel?" I nodded again and he placed his hands on the swollen area. I bright smile crept up onto his face as he felt the movement. For the first time since he got here, he wasn't faking a smile, which did make me happy.

"They sure are rowdy. Gets it from their Uncle Gerard, I suppose." I joked, making us both chuckle. We continued to talk about the baby and the future until dinner was ready.

"Before we eat, I'd like to thank you all for being here. I don't know what I'd do without you all right now." I spoke sadly.

We ate in silence. The same thing was on everyone's mind; Mikey. I wonder what he's doing right now. Is he watching us eat? Has he been here the entire time? Did he see Gerard and I break down together?

"Earth to Y/N." Frank said, waving a hand in front of my face.

"Hm, what? Sorry." I looked up at him.

"I asked if you wanted help putting the food away."

"Oh, no, it's fine. I can take care of it. Go spend time with your family." I told him. He knew not to argue with me right now, so he did as I said and went to his children.

I couldn't watch any of the interactions. I took my time putting the leftovers in the refrigerator as well as doing the dishes. I hated myself for not being more social, for not spending time with the people that were like my own family while I still had the chance, but I just couldn't. not right now.