ruby

4.4.20

woke up this morning,

felt sorry for myself,

sorry that i didn't wake to the feel of your arms around me or a good morning text.

that was followed by yard work in the afternoon

felt sorry for myself,

sorry that i wasn't at the place in my life where i have my own lovably tiny slice of suburbia,

a front yard,

one i could spend a lazy Saturday morning tending to with the love of my life,

attacking him with sticks we're supposed to take to the corner of the curb

and spreading dirt all over his white t-shirt,

making it my goal to annoy him until he chases me around with the hose and picks me up like i'm weightless.

i ate out after leaving that front yard,

felt sorry for myself again.

sorry that i didn't have his company 

and sorry i would never get to show him the fountain to the left of the moe's,

the Chinese place nearby that will blow your socks off.

went to the park after that and hiked 

and felt oh so sorry for myself. 

sorry as every other couple walked by, hand in hand,

while mine held air.

sorry that i had to adventure and get muddy shoes with nobody else. 

sorry that i had no one to annoy with pleas for piggy back rides or stories. 

took a nap later that day and played the piano and wrote

and felt sorry for myself. 

sorry that his actions speak louder than words,

sorry that i haven't facetimed him in 20 days,

sorry that another woman who declared her feelings for him and looks like a freaking Disney princess has been in closer touch with the love of my life than i have.

these days,

all i am, 

is sorry. 

                                               - i just need someone to tell me to stop apologizing for it all.