(idk if these poems are even good anymore 😂 pardon me trying to write out whatever the heck is going on right now)
*aaaaand cue scene
...
love,
do you know the little sister
still sleeps with the stuffed animal
you bought her?
she wanted explanations too.
i caught tears a ten year old had to cry on our behalf.
but how do you even begin to describe
commitment issues
to a girl who's just missing
the boy who gave her the best piggy back rides she ever had?
...
tell me,
what made you look at
the people who had turned my bones and voice to dust
in the past
and go,
with the cruellest of smirks,
"you haven't seen anything yet."
...
what do i do
if i am living in the
coexistence of those craved for concepts,
time.
and distance.
and nothing has changed and my happiness has stalemated and the first thing and last thing on my mind every single day is still eyes that frustrate me because i never did pin down what color they were.
what do i do
just two short months from now,
when i will have neither the convenience of distance or time on my side?
how am i supposed to live different if i don't feel different? i even went through the bother of thinking differently and that didn't change much.
...
i remember the night we first met so clearly it's almost like i knew you would play some monumental role in my life
my brain covertly hit record,
grinned,
and leaned back
while i just experienced another october night with no expectations and no places to be.
i told you about switzerland
and you told me that damn play that started it all,
i shouldn't have heard you liked dickens and automatically assumed you must be the most dashing intellectual of them all.
we watched that peter hollen video
and you walked me from menial place to menial place.
i got to my dorm that night,
god,
i texted my mom.
and i slumped against my door to the ground beaming from ear to ear.
its maddening,
the memory of that first night of us
isn't tainted
even though it has every right to be.
i miss having dizzying thoughts
that curve my lips into a form that actually wants to be placed against you.
i don't know what they're doing nowadays.
...
he tried to provoke me through poetry.
now he's speaking my language.
- tee AND a vest AND that hat. keep visualizing that until it makes you sober up.
...
i'm tired of the word no and i've only used it a handful of times.
- autobiography of a woman.
...
it's always the one who doesn't fully commit that suffers the most.
ironic.
because you haven't committed to being the man you acted like,
i think you'll suffer the most.
- i made my foolish decisions wholeheartedly.
...
i wonder what it's like
living with no closure.
love,
consequentially,
every relationship in your life is open.
life wasn't meant to be lived in an existence full of swinging doors
with endlessly forgiving hinges.
i am sorry.
- i wish i could take it all. i used to be in a spot where i could and you fired me.
...
darling,
an apology in the form of touch
would more than suffice right now.
i know you're not stubborn enough
to not be thinking of that.
- touch is temporary. touch is temporary. touch is temporary. touch holds intentions. reparation holds lasting respect.
...
i just want your lips to cover
what the apologies cannot.
...
why are you acting like you were cast aside,
the non-essential one?
i would have never stuck my arms out in self defense, knees sunken on the ground and face scrunched,
my legs wobbling with insecurity
because my body was rejecting everything i was telling it to do.
i would've never done that first,
you have to believe that.
you lost interest
in me.
you decided you could live without me,
so i decided that must naturally be the case for me too.
- that's just cause and effect, baby.
YOU ARE READING
ruby
Poetrypoems about the next stage of my life, hopefully about new experiences but also about hanging onto something the heart has desperately longed for and isn't quite ready to give up
