ruby

4.8.20

the only thing that makes any of this better

is praying

my time will come.

...

a letter to a now acquaintance

what you did, friend

was cold, calloused,

cutthroat.

i trained him to be a good flirter?

why yes,

yes i did.

that i take responsibility for.

the parts i don't take responsibility for?

his absolute lack of loyalty,

the way his tongue swirled lies in my mouth and my head,

i'm dizzy.

i had no part in him giving this about as much effort as is in his pinky,

in his denial so strong he believes anything he has crafted in this shaky period

is substantial. that anything he has created after me.

will last.

at least not this soon after the wreckage.

i claim no part in his carelessness with hearts,

in a pain now armed with ways to delegate it to others,

instead of carrying his own burden of heartache like we were all meant to.

lilli, he is still my soulmate, a man

who i cannot defame in good conscience.

he is my home, my haven, my harbor.

i am now a refugee on the run thanks to you.

but for some reason,

i still believe his heart drips pure gold.

however, i take no responsibility for his actions,

if he did all of this to me...

imagine what he will do to you.

that, i will not, i cannot have anything to do with.

i tried and was told i was not worth any of your justification anymore.

i claim responsibility for negligence,

for making a snapshot judgement

and i claim my sorrow in not digging my heels into the ground

pulling on the last, weak tether i had around his heart.

i don't know if that is love. or healthy. or good. but i will forever feel like i owed him more of a fight than i put up.

i should have made him survey the damage he had caused before he decided he liked only the act but that he would leave before the aftermath could grab a hold of his remorse.

he's all i had. i was set.

and then you barge in,

walking up to me only to plunge lethal injections into what little hope and clarity i have.

my gut twisted and contorted just on reading these lines. congrats.

"i still want you and him to be together."

"i don't ever see us being together."

"it's all for fun."

the magnitude to which that makes me question your actions, your intentions, your heart?

you make busy work of a soul in pain.

are you happy?

are you satisfied?

proud?

fulfilled?

this period of rest and ease has been anything but for me.

it's your time to own up to what you have done.

it was done so soon after the hurt, it was so willfully malicious.

at least be proud of your headstrongness, your cunning

come on,

let's all praise it.

you won over the one beam i had occupying my dismal stormcloud of a life.

b r a v o .

isn't this what you wanted?

don't be weak and feel regret.

he does not deserve a woman half given, half sure, half committed.

maybe he does.

but if you are going to completely redefine the word deceive for me,

if you are going to forever change how this soul views you,

if you are going to rip him away before he is ready,

and this is not my jealousy or deep rooted sorrow speaking,

this is just clear reasoning, something it seems you are not capable of. no one's heart would be ready after such a pitiful compilation of days.

is it too much to ask you to commit now?

seduce him wholeheartedly.

steal him wholedheartedly.

flaunt him wholeheartedly.

you are in possession of the thing i value most in this world,

i beg you to treasure it,

because once you lose him, you don't ever get to get him back.

you made a villanous choice, and lilli, it wasn't a one time thing.

you made a villanous commitment.

so play the role.

this seems to be who you are now.

and a message to the both of you?

if i am only in your lives to have pain inflicted upon me.

i'm out.

...

i miss the smallest things about him. us.

the way his stubble felt against my hands and face.

his laugh.

our bench.

stupid arguments about how close my ketchup was to him.

danny and my dream and my world

and walks to the dorm.

it's never going to be the same again...is it?

he has to forgive me for that to ever happen, and i. i undid him.

- somebody do me a favor and send a time machine my way