one shots - dazai osamu

08 - EVERYTHING PASSES

EVERYTHING PASSES
すべてが合格

everyone just realized how cold and off the agency was without dazai. the office was dead silent, laughter was nowhere to be heard, and the atmosphere was spooky enough.

all of you had a bad feeling, but no one was worried for dazai as much as you were. it's been five hours and he isn't here yet.

despite his laziness and several complaints, he'd usually be on time. but today was different.

he's five hours late and his phone is off. kunikida would be venting about dazai at the moment, but he knew better than that. he knew something was wrong.

then it clicked.

you quickly grabbed all you things that were scattered on your desk, hurriedly handing your laptop to the silver-haired boy in front of you. "atsushi, please finish my work on my laptop, i owe you one." you said, before running off.

dazai wouldn't be five hours late and have his phone off, something was definitely going on. but you had doubts in that, simply because of your ability.

your ability was not much for others, but it has helped you a lot. in times of danger, regardless of who the person was, if the person on your mind was in danger, your pulse would grow faster.

but your heart beat was normal, but that wouldn't stop you from knowing where dazai would be.

after twenty minutes of running, you finally reached his apartment. you hung out with him in his apartment with the others when a job goes well, drinks would be on him too.

you sighed, raising your fist to knock on his door.

then you felt your heartbeat rising. there it goes, your ability. it didn't take too long for you to kick down his wooden door and find him. "dazai! dazai!"

you screamed his name over and over again until you reached his bedroom. your face went pale when you saw him, unharmed, but on his palm were different types of pills.

he would be optimistic before he throws himself into a river, and still optimistic once you fish him out of the river. as he mentioned, he wanted to end his life without burdening anyone.

but the look on his face was very odd, as he seemed lifeless already. "dazai, what is this? what's going on?" you kneeled down as you sat on the floor with him.

you threw out the pills he had in hand, he sadly looks at the medicine just rolling around his floor. he sighed. "why did you come?" he asks, as he refuses to have an eye contact with you.

"i knew something was off. see, i was right." dazai didn't reply, instead his gaze was focused on those pills on the ground.

then you knew, that he was serious with everything. he really wanted to end his life badly, and this was the last blow.

"too many suicide attempts lead me to too many failures." he says, before sighing again heavily. you once thought that you couldn't help this man, but you were definitely wrong on that part.

"i don't really see the value of living, you know. suicide for me has been seen as a lovely event to accomplish.

nothing is permanent, you see? everything passes. sadness gets replaced by happiness, and happiness gets replaced by sadness. is it that, i've been blinded with despair and the only escape is to end everything?

or maybe i just want to be permanently happy. that would probably feel like paradise everyday. at times where i have tried killing myself, i'd always fail. i don't actually know if it's a sign that i should just stop and live on.

but it's tiring because things don't get along. it is really selfish on my part, i have to agree, every single move drives me to end my own life. i don't even feel like i'm useful anyway.

is it that, i just need all pain or agony to end? but i've thought of that, how can i experience bliss if i end it now? i've been having second thoughts, third thoughts, fourth thoughts, in the very end, i'll lose my mind and eventually kill myself.

everything would end like that, because everything passes." he stares at the ceiling, then at you.

you didn't think twice, but you gave him a tight hug, and unexpectedly he quickly returned it.

"i know things have been rough for you, dazai. i can't even count how many suicide attempts you have done for your whole life.

but, i beg. stop this, this is not worth it. yes, nothing is permanent and everything passes, that doesn't mean we should end it!" you cried, shocking him as he didn't expect this reaction from you.

"there are times where we have to face challenges, not alone, but together. i'd help you, dazai. i know that you've been alone for so long, but i'm kindly volunteering to help you be stronger than ever.

you mean a lot to me, and maybe i would lose my reason to live if you were gone."

a moment of silence was granted, while both of you were wrapping each other's body with your arms.

"i'm truly sorry." you felt something wet on your shoulder, as it didn't take long for you to realize that he was crying.

both of you were speechless, as no words can be found to exchange with each other. all that can be seen is both of you holding each other.

"don't leave." dazai whispers, as he holds your body closer to him. never have you seen this man in such pain, never have you seen him as an open book.

never have you seen him so vulnerable. his fragile state made you pity him more. you loved this man and you were willing to give everything to him.

you were ready to be beside him at all times now that he has revealed his sensitive side in which he was supposed to keep it a secret to everyone he interacts with.

but times like this were very hard for him, as it has been a long time enough for him to keep bottling up his feelings and thoughts. that was one of the reasons why suicide would be an accomplishment for him.

both of you knew that death wasn't and never will be the answer, of course he knew better than that. he was just tired with everything, after all.

you promised. "i won't leave you, i'm here for you." you gently say, as you run your fingers through his brown locks. "don't worry, i'll always be here. you don't have to be alone."

in a few seconds, dazai had already found a reason to keep living.