Red vs Blue Season 1 /w Spartan Matthias

RvB S1 Ep15 "How the Other Half Lives"

"After Life"

Sarge is currently in the so called "After Life", and is standing in the middle of a dull version of Blood Gulch.

Sarge: (with a slight echo) Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?

To Church.

Church: (with a slight echo) Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.

Church runs up to Sarge.

Sarge: What is this place?

Church: Well, that's.. kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are.

Sarge: Am I dead?

Church: Are you dead? Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.

Sarge: Are you some kinda angel?

Church: (chuckling) Aheh heh heh.. am I an angel. Uh, (clears throat) yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.

Sarge: Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any.. I mean, my wallet's back in the car.

Church: Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well uh.. that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.

Sarge: I don't remember dyin'.

Church: Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.

Sarge: Hold on a second, that ain't fair.

Church: Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank.

To Sheila aiming at Church.

Sheila: Target locked.

Church: Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, g-get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo!

Sheila lowers her turret and drives off.

Red Base

Grif and Simmons are standing over Sarge's body in the real world; the picture is distorted, wavy anytime the real world is shown.

Grif: Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!

Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."

Sarge: Who is that? Who's there?

Church: Looks like your guys are trying to save you.

To Grif hitting Sarge in the chest with the butt end of his gun.

Grif: You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!

To Sarge in "Dead World."

Sarge: That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!

Church: He can't hear you.

To Simmons.

Simmons: Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else.

To Church in "Dead World."

Church: If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.

To Simmons.

Simmons: ...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.

To Church in "Dead World."

Church: I'm leaving.

Sarge: I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.

Church: Why wouldn't they? I mean, on my team, only my Colonel tried, but why wouldn't yours?

Sarge: I thought they didn't like me.

Church: Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.

Sarge: Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?

Church: Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?

Sarge: Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him.. he was my son.

Church: No way! The orange guy is your son?

Sarge: Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance.

To Grif rising to his feet.

Grif: He's breathing! We saved Sarge!

To Sarge in "Dead World."

Sarge: I'm what?

Church: He's what?

Sarge: Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.

Church: What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!

Sarge: Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella! (voice starts to fade away) Will I remember any of this?

Church: Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

Sarge regains consciousness and stands up between Grif and Simmons in the real world.

Sarge: (clears throat) There. What... What happened here?

Simmons: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.

Sarge: I always believed in you, Simmons.

Simmons: Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.

Sarge: Grif?

Simmons: Yes, sir.

Sarge: Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.

Grif: (sighs) You're welcome, sir.

Sarge: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe? (fade to black) Rub my neck with aloe vera? (Sarge says this in the Earlier Version) Hey there, Grif! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic mass-ag-es? ...Use your fingers, not your knuckles. ...That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. (long pause) ...oh yeah, shiatzu.

A bit further away, Matthias lowers hi sniper rifle.

Matthias: (dumbfounded) >The fuck did I just witness? Is this some sort of sorcery?<

Beatrice: (also dumbfounded) Let's just leave, before my brain fries itself.

Matthias: >Good idea.<