T/W- panic attack
Pieces- emotionally broken, cracked or collapsed
On the not so good days the days that are so hard I can't even play guitar to make myself feel better. I either go and sit outside to clear my head or lay on my bed looking up at the ceiling generally doing nothing I don't know what it achieves but I feel unmotivated to anything else.
I had the feeling today might be one of those days but I didn't want it to be. It was a Saturday. The weekend it should be happy for everyone my age. I was determined to do something. I contacted my friends.
[Heteros&Homos™]
Justin Beiber: Can anyone hang out today?
Mom friend: I'm with TJ all day
Basketball gay: ^^^
Better Kippen: working sorry
Craftyman: Doing things for SAVA
Mrs. The party: I'm practising for try outs
Mr. The party: ^^^ I'm with her
Justin Beiber: some other time ig
Maybe it will be one of those days.
---
Shakily I close the bathroom door. Trying to suck in a breath of some kind.
It's happening again my heartbeat quickening the feeling of disorientation and helplessness and sweat drenching my forehead. No one to help me this time. Am I going mad? it feels like I am trying to restrain the sounds coming out my mouth which sound like sobs running my hands though my hair as I sink to the floor in the corner I felt pathetic.
"T-this will end" I choked out in a whisper.
"T-this w-will en-end, thi-this will end, this will-"
A sudden knock on the door cause my heart to go in my throat.
"Jonah are you in there?" My dad's voice boomed from outside.
Rubbing my hands against my knees I tried to talk
"Y-yes b-be out in a s-second" I said quickly trying to hoist myself up.
I turned on the tap washing my face with cold water looking in the mirror I looked a wreck. My hair sticking out in random places my hands still shaking dark bags under my eyes. Tears sprug too my eyes which I quickly got rid of washing my face again to hide it. I opened the door to my dad standing impatiently.
"Thankyo-"
I didn't give him time to finish and I dashed to my bedroom and closed the door sliding down against it trying to control my breathing.
"Jonah are you okay?" My dad's voice asked once again from the outside
"Y-yeah I'm good just... just cleaning my room"
What is going on with me? Three weeks into high school and I'm falling apart.
[Incoming call from Cy-guy🌈]
Hey Cyrus
Hi Jonah I felt bad we all kinda...rejected you just checking you are actually okay
I paused not really sure what to say I knew Cyrus would help me he always does maybe that's the problem I feel like I'm a mess but I also feel like telling someone will make them feel sorry for me and I don't want people to be worrying about me
Self pity won't get me anywhere it'll just hurt everyone around me.
I'm fine Cyrus no worries
Okay then see you at school
Yeah bye
He hung up. I let out a sigh leaning my head against the door. Maybe I'll go to the red rooster.
---
The red rooster has been turning into my safe place sometimes I just come in here to sit and gather my thoughts whatever I do I always walk out ten pounds lighter. I never realised how much I would need this place it's the one good thing my panic attacks have given me.
well that and some kind of emotional connection with Cyrus the fact I can confide him so easily. Except in this case.
"Jonah he- woah..."
I was greeted by Bowie when I walked in but he looked at me kind of... shocked.
"What is it?"
"Nothing man you just... look pretty tired did you sleep last night?"
"Well... not really" I muttered
"Something on your mind?"
"No just must be one of those nights" I quickly said before taking a guitar off a stand because I had left mine at home.
"Jonah you know if there's anything you want to talk about I'm here for you" Bowie spoke sincerely
"I'm fine really it's been a rough few weeks I had a few more panic attacks and school is hard but that's it nothing major"
"Jonah maybe it would be worth talking to a professional" he told me
"No one knows that there getting worse... only you" I admitted "please don't tell anyone I'm having problems I don't want people to feel guilty or worry about me"
"I won't say anything but Jonah I'm worried about you now I hope you do the right thing soon" he said before heading to the back
I let that sit with me for a little now I just feel as I'm a coward I just don't know how to tell people about my feelings I hate talking about my feelings but the more this goes on
The more I hate myself
There is some tea in the next chapter it's gonna be pretty intense buckle up ;)
Love lj xx
YOU ARE READING
Feelings are fatal
Fanfiction"I'm always sad and I'm always lonely but I'd never tell you that I'm breaking slowly" As Jonah enters high school with his friends it appears harder than he expected. With the feeling that he's losing his friends and his anxiety getting worse he kn...
