T/W- arguments, general angst
Lonesome- solitary or lonely.
Entering the fourth week of high school I look as if I've been there for all four years.
I've let myself go it's embarrassing I just lose a lot more motivation as the days go by. My panic attacks are becoming more frequent to the point where if it was up to me I wouldn't leave my house. My mom keeps breathing down my kneck about school work, house work and how much time I've spent in my room recently.
"Jonah eat up your gonna be late"
"I don't want to go mom I feel sick" I said trying to sell it she put a hand on my forehead
"You feel fine Jonah I'm not falling for that"
I grumbled in defeat ditching my breakfast that I didn't really want. I stood up getting my bag so I could leave.
---
I realised when I got to school I had forgotten a homework assignment that was due in so I pulled out my phone to call my mom but I'd forgotten that too.
It was going to be a long day.
I went to the washroom before chemistry to try and peice myself together tears stung my eyes I let a few of them fall to get them out before I go. I washed my face but it still looked red and tear stained I couldn't do anything about it. The ball rang I dashed to chemistry. I got there and walked in to see the lesson had already started.
"Nice of you to join us Mr. Beck sit down" Miss West gestured to my seat.
As I sat I felt Cyrus's eyes fixed on me.
"Hey" he whispered "Are you alright?"
"Fine" I swallowed opening my book.
"Didn't you wear this on Friday?" He asked
"Yes so what?" I snapped
"Sorry" he quickly said "why were you late?"
"It doesn't matter" I told him weakly.
He dropped the conversation as Miss West went on to talk about ions.
---
By lunch I was drained quite a bit trying to stay sane until I can isolate myself in my room.
"And then she high fived me she's nice but a little patronising"
TJ was ranting about his math tutor outside of school and her teaching methods I fiddled with my hands the cafeteria was noisy and it made me anxious I didn't feel much like eating.
"Did you forget your money?" Marty asked me commenting on my lack of food "Take half my sandwich man"
He slid his tray over in my direction I slid it back to him.
"No thanks"
"C'mon Jonah you need to eat something we have Math and social studies next I don't know about you but I always end up with a headache by the end" TJ groaned.
The whole group started to chime in trying to get me to eat something but I couldn't take it.
"I said no! I just don't want anything okay leave me alone"
I stormed out the cafetiere and went to the bathroom and washed my face and took deep breathes to stop my hands from shaking I know they were trying to help but I couldn't I felt physically sick lying to them but the truth hurt a little to much.
I had gone home early that day saying I threw up in the bathroom didn't want to face the rest of the day.
"Jonah honey I'm sorry I didn't realise you were actually sick" my mom apologised as we walked through the door
"It's fine I'm going to lie down" I walked off to my room.
I was lying down looking up at the ceiling not realising how much time had passed. Until a knock on my door got my attention.
"Come in" I slurred bringing myself out of my daze.
To my surprise Cyrus is the one that walked in smiling faintly.
"Hey TJ asked me if I could give you your math homework since you weren't there apparently"
"Thanks" I said as he put it on my desk
"Were you sick or something?" He asked sitting on my bed
"Y-yes" I lied
"Jonah I know you weren't you do this thing when you lie you make this face that looks like you're on a game show and you don't know the answer" he joked.
"I-I'm not hiding anything" I muttered
"Jonah you've changed anyone can see that you're more distant less social you're jumpy all the time and you look exhausted" he rambled
"Why do you care?" I snapped
"Because I'm your frie-"
"No your not" I cut him off
"W-what yes I am Jonah I want to help you"
"Really then why does it feel like you're so quick to forget about me?"
"I don't even know what you're talking about" he stood up getting annoyed
But I've been holding this anger for too long.
"You coming into high school and telling me I should find it so easy because I'm Jonah Beck" I huffed crossing my arms
It was a lame excuse I knew that. It goes way deeper than that.
"I'm sorry it's not my fault you can't make friends"
I grunted running my hands through my hair
"What is up with you? You're acting all crazy and you won't tell anyone anything you're so imcable of opening up you expect people to tell from just looking at you? It's annoying whatever you're thinking just spit it out" He said his voice being raised slightly
"Get out" I said
"Why? What did I do?"
"Just get out Cyrus" I told him in danger of letting my tears be seen.
"Fine don't say I never tried to help you you're impossible sometimes Jonah Beck"
He walked out irritated slamming our front door. I punched my wall breathing heavily.
"Jonah what happened?" My mom asked at my door for me to close it in her face
"Leave me alone" I shouted back at her
"I deserve to be alone" I muttered
As I slid down my door I finally let tears of frustration I've been trying to keep them in but the fact I just hurt Cyrus is enough to send me over the edge.
Maybe I am going crazy.
YOU ARE READING
Feelings are fatal
Fanfiction"I'm always sad and I'm always lonely but I'd never tell you that I'm breaking slowly" As Jonah enters high school with his friends it appears harder than he expected. With the feeling that he's losing his friends and his anxiety getting worse he kn...
