-popular: liked or admired by many people or by a particular person or group.
"Morning Jonah"
I slid into my seat next to Cyrus in chemistry. I had woken up a little late today since I couldn't sleep again the other night I didn't have time for breakfast.
"Hey how are you?" I asked
"I'm great what about you?"
"Fine" I said to him trying to ignore the growling in my stomach.
Our teacher was at the front of the classroom and she started talking I tried my best to focus and take notes but there's too much on my mind.
I remember after my first panic attack I kept anticipating another one. Which eventually led me to have one. I was like a deer in headlights or prey waiting for its predator the smallest things would scare me. The last one has given my that same feeling or maybe I'm just over thinking things.
"Jonah... Jonah?" Cyrus waved a hand in front of my face I looked at him abruptly.
"Yeah?"
"I was asking if you wanted to hang out with some new people at lunch?"
"U-uh I don't know" I said
"Why not you usually like too meet new people"
I realised I might of come off as rude. I just don't have a lot of confidence after the first day.
"I-I mean... forget I said that it's fine."
"If you're sure-"
"Yes I'm sure" I quickly cut him off.
"Cool" he said ending the conversation.
Me and Cyrus had classes near each other so we walked together I stopped at my locker and Cyrus went to his which only had one locker that was between us. I remembered it was history. I feel stupid that one class is making me nervous all because of a small incident on the first day
"Everything okay?" I heard Cyrus say next to me.
"Y-yes" I threw him a smile stuffing my chemistry book in my locker.
My legs went weak standing in front of my history class. My mind told me too run but my tecaher noticed me and ushered me inside. I quickly made my way to the back of the class. It was like I was paranoid still thinking about what everyone around me might be thinking.
"Hey"
I heard a whisper to my left it was from the same girl in the spoon the other day Lexi I think.
"Are you good?" She asked me slowly
"Y-yeah" I breathed but I don't think she bought it.
"If this is about the other day don't take it personally they're bound to torment most people or the easy targets unpopular and stuff"
Some how that made feel worse. I've gone from 'The Jonah Beck' to weak and unpopular it feels like I've made that transition over night. My hands began to shake it wasn't an oncoming attack at least just anxiety rising in me. Does everyone see me that way? I don't know.
Lunch finally rolled around but that didn't ease any of my nerves knowing I'd be sitting with some new people. My hands hadn't stopped shaking. I just latched onto the straps on my backpack to have some feel of control.
My friends were at our usual table the there were people I didn't know already sitting in most of the seats. The way they laughed together and chatted getting along so easily only added to my feeling of replacement. My brain had gone into fight or flight mode and before I could think for myself I was turning and leaving the cafeteria exhaling deeply.
I suddenly didn't have much of an appetite anymore.
Unsure of what to do next I remembered the music hall. I got in once I showed my pass too the teacher I went into the storage closest taking the same acoustic guitar I choose the other day playing a song I started writing in the red rooster the other day. It had no lyrics it was just chordes I liked the sound of. My hands finally stopped shaking I sighed relaxing a little.
However a big part of me felt bad for ditching my friends. No wonder they spend less time with me.
I had math after lunch. I don't find it hard but I'm not particularly fond of the subject why do we need to learn how to give change in some problem when there are machines to do it for us? But I still walk into the class 4 times a week and sit at a desk and try to figure out why the person in the problem always needs to buy 24 melons or something.
It dawned on me that TJ was in my maths class. He's going to ask about my absence what do I say? Oh I suddenly felt insecure started to question our friendship and flaked on you guys so I wouldn't get hurt. That's stupid.
My whole life is stupid.
Surely enough TJ came in and took at the desk next to me.
"Hey Jonah there you are" he said fist bumping me.
"Hi" I muttered
"Where were you at lunch? We thought you may of gone home or something" he asked
"I u-uh w-wasn't hungry suddenly I needed to be alone to c-clear my head" technically I'm not lying.
"Oh alright fair enough" he shrugged "you alright though?" The blonde asked
"Yes" I responded
That's starting to become automatic like I'm just saying it for the sake of it I don't want him too know how I really feel.
TJ kept speaking with other people as we got into the lesson. Why have I suddenly become really anti-social? I guess I have to except I'm not going to be as popular as I was in middle school but I can still make some friends. That's what people expect right? To go through high school making friends getting a girlfriend or whatever Mr Perfect. Or maybe that's what they expect from me?
"Jonah?" TJ whispered to me I winced slightly being taken a little by surprise.
"Yeah?"
"Did I copy this out right?" He asked quietly. I think it was more from embarrassment. I looked at him smiled and glanced at his work.
"That should be fourty-two" I corrected "But you're getting really good at math I bet you'll smash high school"
"Thanks" he smiled warmly
"Also." I spoke getting his attention "At lunch I went to this music hall that's next too room C-15 where if you play an instrument you can go there to play, record, rehearse or relax" I told him.
"They got pianos?" He asked me
"Yep loads of them different colors and sizes... keyboards too talk to Mr. Felton he'll give you a pass" I informed
"I'll definitely check it out." He spoke enthusiastically. "And uh... are you sure you're alright? Cyrus told me you had a panic..."
I gestured him not to say it out loud the last thing I wanted was people to listen
"Sorry a 'you know what' at the spoon the other day and he said you look... on edge I was just checking in on you"
Should I tell him? How I'm having sleepless nights and feeling more anxious. That I can't seem to interact with others without stuttering, how insecure I've been feeling. How I always feel...lonely.
I just smile and nod.
"I'm good thanks for c-caring though"
He shot me one last concerned look and paid his attention back to his work.
I had the feeling he might be onto me. But I'm stubborn enough to continue denying everything.
Things be moving slowly and there's a lot of Jonah and his messy thoughts but there's more to come my luvs <3
Love lj xx
YOU ARE READING
Feelings are fatal
Fanfiction"I'm always sad and I'm always lonely but I'd never tell you that I'm breaking slowly" As Jonah enters high school with his friends it appears harder than he expected. With the feeling that he's losing his friends and his anxiety getting worse he kn...
