My Rogue

Chapter 17: The tapes

Mika's POV

A few days had passed since I had woken up for the second time from an unexpected sleep and needless to say, I was in no way tired and thus, had way too much time to think.

I know I should probably be happy and jumping out of my hospital bed in joy. Adriel said he loved me. Me! And for some odd reason, I believed him.

I don't know if it was the bond we shared as mates or that time we... uh... kissed in his bedroom. Either way, it just felt so sincere to me.

Truth be told, I don't know if anyone ever said those words to me before. As far as I can remember, I was at the mercy of my pack and they were, needless to say, not too fond of me.

So yes, I heard Adriel loud and clear and I believed him. I admit for a brief second I was overwhelmed with a happiness I didn't know was possible. I'm sure my face had to light up like a cherry tomato when he said the words. And as I was so wrapped up in the moment, I came quite close to saying it back.

Luckily, the bucket of cold water being my reality poured over me like a punch to the gut. I know he wanted to hear me say it back but I couldn't. I couldn't love him. Maybe I did, but I couldn't.

I didn't even have enough love for myself, how was I supposed to give it to another?

So, instead of hugging my mate and enjoying the warmth of mutual love, I cried. I was doing that a lot lately and it was starting to get on my nerves.I didn't mean to, but any sort of words got caught in my throat and the pain that washed over me from the realization that I would never be able to give to him what he offered to me had sent my cold heart shattering into a million pieces and the tears streamed down my face like rivers.

And yet, Adriel said nothing. He didn't yell or get angry at me, he didn't even cry. He just looked... sad? I'm not sure. It didn't feel like he was sad I didn't say anything back. It looked more like he felt my pain with me. Of course, that only made me cry more.

He just held me as I cried, kept those warm and strong arms around me as I wallowed in the knowledge that very soon he would no longer be crying with me but because of me.

I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay here and love him.

I had put the pack at risk and if anything were to happen to them again, I know I wouldn't be able to take it.

Over the past few days, Adriel had been religious with visiting me every day and spending as much time as he could at my side. By now I had completely recovered. In actuality, I wasn't even hurt to begin with. Ayana said I had no visible wounds so it was a complete mystery as to why I was so badly injured.

I tried to tell them it was just me, I'm naturally weak. That's what my old pack said at least. They would never let me go on any hunts or whatnot. I trained, alone... when others weren't watching, but the fact I had made it as far as I did on my own was most likely a mixture of adrenaline and pure luck.

Today was a little odd, actually. Three days ago, he left on a scout trying to find those rogues who attacked. He said three days exactly. Now, it was four o'clock and Adriel still hadn't returned. I know these scouting missions take time and really, finding the rogues was much more important than visiting me but still...

Wait... what was I even thinking? It wasn't like he was required to come see me. He sure as hell shouldn't if I planned to be out of here soon. My hand reached up as if with a life of its own to grab the sweatshirt right above my heart. No, I wasn't allowed to have these feelings. It's not right. It's not fair to Adriel, nor the pack.