Enheduanna: The First Author - Wattys Winner 2021

3. Hear And Obey

"What were you thinking?" Father's question sounded more like a threat than anything else. His voice rose above the sacred silence of the garden. His face brightened, just a tone lighter than my own crimson as I countered, "I felt compelled to help."

"Help? By sacrificing yourself? No, I will not have it. You will not go to Ur, not as long as I'm the king." he shouted so loud all sounds of the night fell silent. No cricket or owl made a squeak as the king bouldered through the dark. Still, that voice inside shouted louder than anything, ringing in my ears as father's tirade carried on. "You are my daughter. I will not let those Sumerians lay a finger on you. They'll eat you up alive. You will stay here with your mother where you are safe."

The thumping in my head made me spin, blurring my vision, and pulling all air from my lunges. If abandonment had a face, this is what it would look like. My father, the embodiment of power with his long oiled beard, golden crown, and panther's skin across his shoulder, suddenly had the face of a man who had just lost everything. My abandonment of loyalty was a betrayal in his eyes. So why did the idea of giving in to my father's wishes appal me?

"For how long?" I sneered.

"Excuse me?"

"For how long will I stay here?" I asked. "Akkad is all I have known my entire life. Manishtushu and Rimush get to leave, they get to build their own legacy. When will I get to build mine?"

"Don't compare yourself with your brothers, young lady! They will one day have to rule this kingdom, you-"

"Only get to rule by the side of a man? Like mother does. I don't want that! I no longer want to remain without purpose. I want to make a difference." Life was unfolding before me now, constantly and visibly like the flowers of summer that drop fanlike petals on eternal soil. It made me deviant.

"And how are you, serving as high priestess in Ur, going to make a difference?" My deviance was put on the stand instantly. Father rolled his shoulders back, standing as tall as a mountain, his voice rumbling like thunder.

I opened my mouth before my mind thought of the words, "I can unite Sumer to the rest of Akkad through religion. I speak Sumerian. I know the prayers."

The calm, silent glare of frustration from father was the only warning before he unleashed a flood wave of counterarguments. I might have known Sumerian, but he knew the Sumerians better than anyone. He knew their pride, their hate. He had seen them beg of their lives or threaten his own. I was but a child in his eyes, naïve for thinking I could bring these people to their knees. Foolish for believing they would not mistreat me, the daughter of the king who killed their leaders. With each word, he landed another blow on my pride, holding back no punches until tears were rolling down my face.

"Nanna has chosen me. You can't deny a god!" I cried out.

"I can, and I will, in order to protect you!" There was a heat in his voice that could rival the sun. And I was blind for the desperation that simmered below, yelling at the top of my lunges in order to match him in force. "By making me a prisoner in my own life? Am I to remain a wallflower in your garden forever?" 

From the look in father's eyes, I knew instantly that my words hit their mark. "Is that how you think of yourself? Do you see yourself as merely a flower?"

"yes," I answered, knowing the word hurt him more than me. This was not the time to spare feelings.

"You are so much more than that." Father softened his eyes and held out his hands. "My sweeting, you are the only daughter Inanna has given me. I wouldn't be able to bear it if you got hurt."

I placed my hands on his quiveringly. "Abba, having no purpose is what hurts me." 

"Oh, my child. You don't know what you 're asking of me. The offer you made in such well-intentioned purity scares me more than a thousand men in arms." 

Hearing the genuine fear within him made my fury simmer down like a smoldering fire. "I guess the feeling is mutual. Your offer of remaining here scares me more than the brazen uncertainty of the outside world." The open arms wrapped around me as I pressed my tears into the panther's fur. At that moment, a silent treaty had been reached. An unspoken understanding that we acknowledged each other's fears. But a treaty wouldn't be satisfactory for me. Not this time. It was either take it all or lose it all, and that meant fighting to the end. "But I am your daughter, and you raised me with the notion that we are all in service of our divine gods and goddesses. So, now that Nanna chose me to serve him as his high priestess, I must obey." 

I saw father's soul in his hazel eyes and knew in a moment that we, in very different ways, both wanted the same thing. "I'll help bridge the two cultures," I spoke softly, realizing that with love, we will gain a new kind of sight, that which is a sort of illumination. Father's defeated sigh aged him into a tired old man. He shook his head as if he refused to hear my words.

"Sargon, my king." mother interrupted. "The royal diviners are inquiring about your decision on the matter of the next high priestess." 

"I will talk to them later," Father said, but mother pressed on. "Darling, they are adamant." With another deep sigh, the king resumed his role and walked into the room with a mask of confidence. A hand was upon my shoulder before I met my mother's eyes, smiling weakly at me. "Go to your room, my darling. I will visit you later."

"But father hasn't agreed that I will become the high priestess yet."

"I will see to that. Now, get some rest."