Enheduanna: The First Author - Wattys Winner 2021

23. Heart Of A Thousand

Like Inanna, I must be strong. When facing Rimush, I had defended my freedom. When facing Kituzda, I defended my legacy. Even when facing Lugal-ane, I had defended those I loved.

But when I was faced with the hunger-pained face of a child, my strength crumbled.

His bony hands were scrawled out before him in the dust as he begged for some food.

Glancing at Dingira standing beside me, I recalled how scrawny she was when she arrived here. Her time in the temple had done wonders for her body. Her feminine features were now filled out, especially on her beautiful hips. And her once skinny arms now carried some meat and muscles that tightened as she stared at the body before us, muttering prayer only I could hear.

"Grant the child the food he requires," I ordered. Idal handed the child a loaf of bread and some dates. He smiled warmly at the child before he returned to his place beside me. It was at times like these where his harsh features glowed with happiness. "With you, I bring life. Enrich life. You inspire me to be a better person every day," is what he said to me, that night in Lagash, and looking at him now, his words rang true. But his muscles tensed when he stood beside me, holding up the golden-tipped spear. His fingers clenched around it as if got ready to throw it any second.

Perhaps the news of Rimush's conquest awakened something within him. A desire to be out there on the battlefield again. After all, what was there left here for him in Ur.

"My Great Lady, Enheduanna. I seek your wise counsel," A small man in red robes and extravagant furs bowed before me. His clothes were that of a lord, but his greying beard and thinning hair gave him the appearance of a beggar.

"Our king is rampaging through Sumer like a thunderstorm, leaving nothing but destruction in his path. How long before he reaches Ur? I hear whispers that people are preparing for war. Should I ready myself as well, high priestess?"

I opened my mouth, only to close it again. Rimush wouldn't attack Ur, right? He knew I led this city, and I wouldn't rebel against him. But what if the lords were preparing for war? Could that be enough cause for Rimush to send his armies to my gates? Panic rose up in my chest, making me nauseous, and I struggled to not show it on my face.

"Where have you heard these whispers, good lord?" I asked.

"They are everywhere, high priestess. In the streets, on the market. I thought you knew."

No, but I should have known. This is why Lugal-ane sought me out yesterday. To make sure I wouldn't stand in their way, and I, like a naïve child, shoved him away. "No more petitions. We are finished."

"But, My Great Lady! You haven't answered my concern."

"I said no more." In a moment of desperation, I stepped back from the other priestesses and made haste through the passageways within the temple. I could hear Idal's footsteps behind me, rhythmic like a soldier's march. When the tears blurred my vision, I stopped, letting myself slide down to the ground.

Why was it so hard to be strong?

"Enheduanna, are you alright?"

I glanced up into that hard face that hid battle scares. "Why do they make me choose? I don't agree with Rimush's tactics, but I don't want to betray him either. I tried to talk some sense into him, but he won't listen to me. I tried to show through my hymns that I didn't agree with him, but now Ur is out for his blood."

Pulling my knees up to my chest, I buried my head between my knees. "What must I do Idal?"

Idal wrapped his arms around me. "It is not your fault. The lords have been out for blood ever since king Sargon died. If they didn't have their arrows pointed at Rimush, they would have pointed them to you."

"But why? Am I not providing for this city? Have I not saved these people from the flood?"

"You could have given them mountains full of gold, but that still wouldn't change a thing. Nothing can compare once you have tasted real power. Everything afterwards, just savours of anti-climax."

"Do you speak from experience?"

"No, your father once said those words to me. They stayed with me, making me think I could never be anything else than a soldier. And look at me now."

I smile despite my tears. For all the wisdom those words held, they could never ring true for everyone. Just like the seasons we humans were ever changing, the old would soon have to make way for the new. But which was the old and which the new? And could either of those ever see eye to eye with the other?

"Send me to Rimush." Idal stated firmly. "I'll explain the situation to him and won't return unless he sends his best troops."

With a shock, I shook off Idal's arms. "No. I will not bring war to Ur. Not again. We just rebuild everything. The people finally have some peace."

"And for how long do you think that will last?" Idal argued, "You heard what the man said. The lords are already preparing their troops. Who is to say they won't point their arrows at you first?"

"I am their high priestess. Harming me would mean ensuring the wrath of Nanna. They won't do that."

"Are you sure of that, Enheduanna?" question sounded more like a threat than anything else. His voice rose above the sacred silence of temple and for a moment I felt like a helpless princess again.

"I will ask Rimush for an army and that is final."

The silence hang between us like a heavy blanket until Kituzda came with a pile of tablets in her arm.

"I need to speak with Enheduanna," she said, more to Idal than me and before I could even interject, Idal left in a huff while one of the tablets was shoved in my face.

"What is this?"

I took a moment to compose myself before I took a look at the clay tablet. "It is the word 'I', a word used to refer to the writer or speaker."

"I know what the word means, but why is it placed within this hymn?"

The banging in my head was so overwhelming that I needed to rub my temples to even understand what Kituzda was going on about. "Because it describes what I saw. Honestly, Kituzda, I do not see what you are getting so worked up over."

"I am getting worked up over the fact that you are acting like a god, when your flesh has no different colour than mine. Your blood will run just as red as mine. You cannot keep writing yourself into the hymns that are meant for the gods."

Pacing around like a rampant fire, her arguments became screeches within my mind, making the banging so unbearable that I screamed it out. "And Nanna has shown ME those visions, which I wrote down from my perspective. And look, the sun still rises in the east."

"Your position is weak as it is. If the lord, even the people, will hear these hymns, they will think you are placing yourself above them, Enheduanna."

"I am placed above them. My bed is raised higher than any other, and even on the same level I sit upon a dais."

"O almighty An, you are impossible." Kituzda threw her hands up in the sky, breaking the remaining tablets. I picked up the pieces, soothing them as a mother would soothe her crying child. Their love, their emotions, could not be lost. I had birthed them with such care.

Another hand covered my own, feeling warm and gentle. It matched the warm amber eyes of Dingira. "Shall I help you?"