I'll follow you into the dark

Part 8

Looking through the car window I see all these little kids running and playing in the beach, making me remember what it's like to be a child. Everything seems so simple and magical, I wish people could always see the world like little kids do, appreciating its beauty and simplicity. But as the car moves, they disappear from my sight, reminding me that it's really hard to see the world around you like that when you grow up and life happens.

 " Are you feeling better?" I hear Shawn's voice transporting my mind back to where we are.

 " I think so." I say without looking at him.

 I feel the car stop and he takes my hand, placing a kiss on it. I hate to do this, I don't want to ignore him but it's also hard to talk about it. I feel a tear roll down my eyes and almost immediately his hand goes up to my face to swipe it off. I look at him for the first time since we got in the car and I can see this hurts him just as much as it hurts me. I hug him tight as I feel more tears roll down my eyes because my mind insists on replaying that moment.

 " I'm sorry." I say pulling away and cleaning my face.

 " Hey, don't apologize for that. It's not your fault." He says holding my face so I'm looking into his eyes. " We knew this could happen eventually, I just hate that you have to go through that."

 I hold him again as he pulls me to his lap in the driver's seat. We stay like this for a long time as I try to forget those horrible flashbacks that I just had half an hour ago. He's right, I knew there was a possibility for that to happen while we were having sex, but I guess I tried to keep it out of my mind, so when it happened I wasn't prepared at all. Shawn stopped immediately when I asked but I knew he was feeling guilty in the back of his mind. I've never had such vivid flashbacks like these, so it made sense that I had my first panic attack in months. Shawn knew exactly what to do to calm me down, he was patient and caring, which makes me feel even more guilty about the whole thing. Deep down I know this is not my fault but the feeling is so overwhelming that I can't help but cry out of frustration.

 Shawn manages to get us out of his car and carries me inside my house in bridal style. I don't even open my eyes but I can hear Sophia's voice asking what happened as he guides me to my bedroom. He lays me down on the bed and tells her I had a panic attack, but doesn't explain anything else. He lays with me in the bed and I snuggle into him as I feel his familiar scent, which calms me down a little. As it starts getting dark outside I tell him I'm fine and he should go home, but he only agrees after I assure him Sophia will be here with me. When he leaves I go downstairs and see my sister sitting in the couch, she probably told my parents what she knew and asked to stay here instead of going to the diner.

 " How are you feeling?" She asks as I sit next to her.

 " Better." I say playing with the soft material of the couch.

 " Can I ask what happened exactly?" She asks with hesitation. " It's been awhile since you don't have a panic attack."

 In these last months, after I started dating Shawn, I felt more comfortable to talk about the assault. I told Sophie eventually all the details and I could see how broken she was for knowing I had to go through that. We've become even more close after that and lately I feel like I can tell her anything.

 " We were having sex." I simply say but I know she understands exactly what happened just by that. " It was all so clear in my head, those memories came back like they were happening right in that moment." I feel a tear roll down my eyes as she places a lock of my hair behind my ear. " I know Shawn is feeling a little guilty, even though he did everything right, and I also feel like it's my fault. I know neither of us are responsible for this and it makes me even more angry because there's nothing I can do about it. There will always be a part of my brain that remembers that night and it hate it so much."