Album 1: "The Emotional Monster"

2. "It ends back to you"

#69 in my journal

He was like a painkiller
Running through my mind every day.
Even though we met less than a month ago.
We met on October 16, 2019.
Today is November 4th,  2019,  7:36 A.M

His niceness gives the company
However, it doesn't fulfill my soul.
It doesn't, not in that way;      
Not romantic love, not even a sprinkle.

I hardly have any friends,  
It's been two weeks since we crossed paths.  Since we talked;  
Where did you go?          
I can't stop wanting your everyday company ;        
For your sake, I hope to see you again, soon.

I look for you,
I see you with your friends
I see your popular
I can see they enjoy
What I never want to end

If you don't want to be friends,    
I'll be more lonely,    
Nobody to mend my broken soul.                       
Knowing someone who leads their friendship,
changes their mind all too fast,
to the alternative ending.        
Show me some sympathy,
It doesn't have to end this way.                         
I've caught on quickly to your patterns;   
Coming, walking through the campus in the mornings,                                                                But not after school...                   
                                                                                                             
  Oh no, I think I'm focusing on you too much, abnormally.                                                              Sorry, I'm corrupted.
Have I interrupted you by existing?
You might think so...
I have all the scary features,
The devil eyes, you claim I have a scary smile,
The interests, the humor, all of me... corrupted
I even have an allergy to the sun.
Exposure for too long will cause discoloration
Turning pale, only parts of my face.

I know, some kids call me a vampire.
There is something wrong with me,
Socially, emotionally and mentally
Doesn't teach the standards of humans.
So 'low' humans may consider me...
Maybe I need help.

But you don't know me that well.
It's only been 2 weeks.
Last time we spoke, you think I'm innocent
Not dirty-minded like other kids.
I'm innocent in that way...
I laughed internally...

I hope to see you again soon.
You were fun to talk to.
But subconsciously, you're always appearing in my head.
This never happened before... but...
I didn't realize this until after I finished a project.
The way we met inspired me,
Computer science visual arts project,
I called the abstract art project...
I didn't think of you throughout the project...
But the way it inspired me...
when I realized it looked similar to how we met.

When I look in your eyes,
I don't see a soul from my past.
Your bright bold eyes,
The masculine voice,
The feminine features,
Your feminine tone,
I deep sound,
But your tone sounds like a female.

Or even your taste...
I haven't gotten to taste.
But I have a new face, look, and voice,

I new faces I see, as a freshman,
Older or younger,
I don't get to look closely at their eyes.
I glance knowing when to look away.
Either something isn't right with them,
Or they remind me of an impatient, silent enemy from my past.
Their windows of their Soul shed the light...
Sometimes the face of my past returns...
But you, I don't wanna look away from you...

Just like how this shows subtly,
I get a slight shard of emotion,
Slightly feeling puzzled.
Something never feels right with myself,
And the back of my mind.
But since I haven't seen you in quite a minute,
I think I'm seeing a major enemy.
Those emotions every day.
But In my head, this might just be my imagination.

Because my brain Craves you and your company.
But reality doesn't conceal the surface,
It only covers up its true self,
Containing the secrets of the choosing paths of each person you chose.
Desperate desire, but karma strikes like a sheath.

After traveling and Effort, the final layer opens.
By the touch, it sucks you in.
Based on your material inside, you may never want to get out.
Unless a part of reality, nobody's friend -time-,
Separates us from what we do best, -company-.
I may not see you the last day inside your realm,
But time unconsciously pushed me out.
Feeling free from my new world.
The one I "moved" in, feeling imaginary.
Then I won't see you outside or at the bus stop.

But the memory remains.
All I'll see is the honesty sunlight,
Finally shining on me, honestly embracing me, love.
I'll see the soul-lifting blue skies,
puffy clouds, the colorful sunset,
Lavender, pink, orange, red, yellow, with blue fading.

It's like a piece of art.
That only the human eye can interpret.
Not even electronics can.
The sun peeking through thick clouds.
Looking like angels, repairing little by little.
Even the calming, peaceful rain you find depressing.
Beauty of your colors are the side effects of my world.
No longer color blinded by every beauty.
Clouds of another color, holding another emotion.
Alive, didn't remind me of you though.
I don't see my world colorful.

The great may feel depressing
May connect back to you.
From the vines of nature, lasting a lifetime.
I love the rain you find depressing.
Sometimes rain may be heavy.
Am umbrella is a must.
But that's how I met you.

In the cool calming thick fog
Felt like fog was further away,
visibility was clear In our area.
Natural water, was soaking silently in your soaking skin.
Intuition of nature,
As embrace runs through your body,
To the starting point of embrace fulfilling you
Yet hints of loneliness running through your mind.
That's when you know you met someone, not just average...
New, nice, different, so... attracting...

Your company, your voice, just how you talk
That's when you become my painkiller.
I hope I see you again. It's lovely,
I have empathy for you.
Do you feel the same way?
I have no clue.
Time will tell.
And your eyes make time to interpret you.

11.5.19.     .    4.19.20
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