Album 1: "The Emotional Monster"

3. Title: "It was all a lie"

#70 in my journal-

The feelings slowly built up
Thoughts multiplied,
On a scale measured
Towards a new level in interest.

Yes its been a while
Jotting in my own personal world;
My head masking my mind,
From the sticks and stones of life;
When it's all thrown,
My head own person, Living in this world,
I'm all worn out.

As they say you are who you are,
You control the brain of yours.
But me, however,
Emotions talk out my mouth,
Controlling my head, displaced person altogether.

Emotions at my person.
Am nothing outside the back of my mind.
My poem books, and archived memory,
My brain filed by emotion,
Has no trained connection to keep memories stored.
So only my books store memories,
That'll soon be forgotten ones.

They always say,
I find myself falling for you.
On my scale of self control,
My voice, my eyes, but all - genuine -
The sympathy is showing - always -
But he doesn't know what my world is planning  to ask him...
Building up now.
Scale measuring the same interest.
As we may say, ' Falling for him'.

My world talking behind swirling thoughts.
Lost maze walls of wired watts
As soundproof as my ability to listen,
The important ones making its way through.
Me small, insignificant.
Knowing they all talk, fight,
One sometimes has control over the others.
I have never seen them combine into a monster
But the ground - base - holding my brain together,
It rumbles upsettingly, monster temporary of anger.
I immediately conceive the notion of danger.
Vibe of pandemic at first,
Shaoeshifts faster to my body, an unbeknownst creature.

My eyes look like the devils child.
I walk, imperfect posture,
Looks like I'll trip on weak, unbothered legs,
I process slowly,
Nothing feels right anymore,
No emotion,  not conscious of whats going on around me.

State of mind,  cant move... or process,
Cant escape my sanity level,
My mind goes blank.
Fused emotion,  turning the monster as activated,
Thinking of a knife, rope,
Just a plain first vibe that coming in. 
In the past,  I have thought of using both,
When times were most terrible.

     Oh, my emotions made me not get to the point.
Where was I planning to get in this poet?
He said no - rejected -
I'm not safe anywhere,
Regardless in my world, his,  or the Earth is safe...
But your human life continues
Colliding with my monster life continuing,
Tomorrow, I'll return normally.
Later today,  I'm knocked out...
We hope this doesn't happen again.

He doesn't know  me well,
Maybe he never will,.
The pill, is an effect, my sleeping pill,
Getting away from reality,
This will very better.
My bed,  the only safe spot.
Yet depression and I are great friends in that spot.
Sadness, sometimes - many times - in the fusion.
We all fall asleep,
Now rejection,  it is the time to sleep.
As he fades to separate paths,
Until next time,  just know I love you.

11.27.19.               4.20.20