Album 1: "The Emotional Monster"

7. "Do you forgive me"?

Number 78 in my journal

I completely messed up that day.
I brought up the topic.
I didn't realize what I said,
Until it hit me,
Only when you said the word no.
Then I felt you turned the tables.
Turned all the mirrors toward me,
In the slyest way.

You and I have many commonalities.
I thought we were at least ninety percent alike.
Practically the same wavelength.
We thought the same words,
When you didn't greet me.
You said I'm disappointed in you.
I thought the same about you.

When I got home, I was embarrassed.
Kept wondering why,
You threw shade in that way.
Wondering why you would say it that way.
Why would I even say it?

Maybe I deserve it.
Kept bringing up the topic when I know I shouldn't.
Unless you're sly in that sense.
The sense of relations, feelings.
I can't look up to you anymore.
Can't talk to your face anymore.

But if we were thinking the same,
I can be sly,
Especially what I resolved back then.
But that was a while ago.
Not even two years have passed yet.
It keeps us up all night.
But my life changed,
When I met you.
And I might have told you everything,
Now I'll never get a chance for sure.

I'm thinking of going on acquaintance terms.
Not friends with you anymore.
But I deserve it.

I crossed a line.
I shouldn't but I can't even aware of it.
What I said, wasn't like me.
Please believe me.
I want to apologize,
But my lack of confidence to face you,
Is making this impossible.

Even before I asked you,
You gave me a hug.
Something special, that'll never happen again.
I regret both.
I wish I never met you.
Turning the tables on me.
But what can I do for my revenge?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
The only other option is to not be friends at all.

But when I thought of the worst,
I thought you were immature.
I'm not being fair, no.
I crossed a line.
A line of privacy, solitude.
Then with my naive self,
I asked for a hug and your reply was no.
I'm so sorry.

I think:
Oh, my life, and why it stayed this way?
How has it become this?
What went over me?
What was I thinking?
I never feel like myself anymore.
My energy drains,
Especially the next day,
Aftermath of something heartbreaking happening.

It's not a lie.
We must face the truth.
My freedom fantasy,
Won't feel the same further on.
Nothing will.
My mind blank and exhausted, fatigued.

The promise I made with you?
It was all a plastic, weak attempt,
Just to end up as preposterous, pretentious,
All in the long run?
You may not see it that way.
I wish that day in the heavy rain,
I could've walked slower.
But I have to go home.
What would I have known then?

I again understand, the saying
"Sorry can't save me now",
All at another perspective.
Today it really cant.
But this is all my fault.
But these emotions are extensive, endless.
I guess me saying we're no good for each other is true.
But it's all becoming worse.
This is only going to hurt if you tolerate it.

But I did something I shouldn't.
I crossed an important boundary.
Nothing is something satisfactory,
Than not developing our relationship reasonably better.
Like saying our goodbyes.
But that day was not conclusive.

Then I guess you're right,
" Let's just leave it in the past".
We must let each other go.
You already did, I need to now.
We have to let this day go you know.
And there's no lie between us,
Of something usual, heartbreak.
Especially if it end back to you.

Even if life subtly tells us,
The real truth clenches the barrier,
Then forces me to let go.
As it forces, you le me go in the worst way.
Now I have to go, so do you.
Then I'm all alone in my mind again.
But I ain't even holding a lie.

I can never, now.
But this might not be our last.
So goodbye, I love you.
(Do you forgive me?)

12.7.19. . 4.22.20.

"It was a plastic, weak attempt, to end up preposterous, pretentious" - it was a preposterous attempt to win his heart. I think he saw it as pretentious, and I saw it as preposterous. But that was only the day I messed up.

Credit to Billie Eilish "Sorry can't save me now". This line inspired me to elaborate and connect it with my personal experiences.