Album 1: "The Emotional Monster"

12. "The difference between asking to be let in, than already being let in"

Number 83 in my journal :

This doesn't make sense anymore,
Why I don't feel as heartbroken as I used to.
Almost the same is happening,
As it used to.
I went through two more months,
Which felt close to about six months.
I wish we didn't fly away as friends then.

You're not the only person I said that to
-In my head -
But I remember when I began to miss you,
For that interlude.
I began to believe the idea,
Maybe from my past,
You held the same eyes as him.
I am not sure why my mind had just dropped that idea.
That only sojourned,
Then it made its swift journey out my head.

But in other terms,
Could I have been too direct?
But something told me, in my past,
"Don't hold his hand".
Yes, I should've listened.
But, I was too young then.

Solutions, today I would've saw,
If I knew to keep my mouth shut.
Certainly.
But it could be true,
In the sense of both,
Not having a word to say to me.
A little odd they share a similar quality.

At first they spoke often,
Then when life took its turn,
My past asked me out,
But today, you rejected me.
Then little to no effort,
No more sharing commonalities.
That could've continued,
When it had the chance.
No support or anything.

But my past was nothing like you.
My past and I did have a similar wavelength.
But that all changed when he became a player.
It was very disappointing.
Like how I'm disappointed in you...
But to both of em,
There is a difference.

There's a difference from asking to be let in,
Than already being let in.
I tried and I felt I received in return were lies.
" You must know them thoroughly, in order to try",
One of my teachers told us a time.
But no, you can never know someone thoroughly, truly.
You have to trust and listen,
To the instincts, that little voice in your head.
But that's only if you genuinely care.

But I already was in before all of this.
I was in a past relationship.
But abruptly, you changed.
This time, I stepped up.
I feel like I'm slowly, subconsciously,
Flying back to my arena,
Of one of the hardest hits,
The hardest times of my entire life.
An honor, gratitude, an achievement,
To finally graduate from that hellhole.

Some days were worse than others.
Actually most days, you'd expect hell,
Because it was every day.
And I didn't have a soul by my side.
Only when I met a good friend,
Who always gave me good advice,
In the final year,
Who helped me bust my past down...
All at the end.
Thank you, my friend.
But before, no soul, only myself.
I didn't even tell her everything...

But back to the present.
Why am I not upset like before?
Because I had learned my lesson,
In terms of experience.
"There's a difference then asking to be let in,
Than to already be let in".

I learned that the moment I was told no,
Faster than I thought.
I'm already experienced in heartbreak.
I now have such limited time,
And that started from the day we met.

My time couldn't have been minimized any more,
Than it already was.
Oh, we are no good for each other.
And as nice as you are,
As much of the subtle snake you are,
You turned out to be the bitter opposite,
Then what I was convinced,
Was my "carbon copy".
But we're all told that it isn't always best to look for your carbon copy.

Oh, I need to fix this.
I'll know what to do,
When the time is right.
I must face the truth,
And we'll see if you do too.

12.11.19. . 4.25.20